Quote of the Day

Logistics and Organization

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.

If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

Diary of a Blonde Wife

*Monday:*

Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.


*Tuesday:*

We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.




*Wednesday:*

I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.


*Thursday:*

Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I'll try to be supportive.


*Friday:*

Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did,to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.


*Saturday:*

Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and it's little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of his work,or he wanted the chicken to dance. When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out "why me? why me ?" Hmmm....It must be his job.

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New Dating Dictionary

ATTRACTION..... the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT..... what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING..... the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL..... avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.
EASY..... a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT..... a method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND..... a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE..... a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to be "playing hard to get".

INTERESTING..... a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT..... what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY..... how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC..... a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

SOBER..... condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

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21st century bride !!

A newly wed girl was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner.

She was asked to give a little speech. She addressed as follows:

"My dear family members, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family",

she said "Firstly, with my presence I would not want to create any inconveniences by my being here. I mean that I don't want you all to change your way of life, your routine."

"What do you mean my child?" asked the patriarch of the family.

What I mean dad is:

Those who used to wash dishes must carry on washing them.
Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.
Those who cooked shouldn't stop on my account.
Those who used to clean should clean.

As for me, I am here just to control your son!

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This is called bride from 21st Century!!!!

Why men are happier

Men are just simply happier people, and here is why...

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President. You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car Mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conservations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all of your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

House of 1000 mirrors

Long ago in a small, far away village, there was place known as the House of 1000 Mirrors.

A small, happy little dog learned of this place and decided to visit. When he arrived, he bounced happily up the stairs to the doorway of the house.

He looked through the doorway with his ears lifted high and his tail wagging as fast as it could. To his great surprise, he found himself staring at 1000 other happy little dogs with their tails wagging just as fast as his. He smiled a great smile, and was answered with 1000 great smiles just as warm and friendly. As he left the House, he thought to himself, "This is a wonderful place. I will come back and visit it often."

In this same village, another little dog, who was not quite as happy as the first one, decided to visit the house. He slowly climbed the stairs and hung his head low as he looked into the door.

When he saw the 1000 unfriendly looking dogs staring back at him, he growled at them and was horrified to see 1000 little dogs growling back at him. As he left, he thought to himself, "That is a horrible place, and I will never go back there again."

All the faces in the world are mirrors. What kind of reflections do you see in the faces of the people you meet?
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Casual Day - Office Humor

A Company decides to adopt Fridays as Casual Day and they issued a Memo to all department intimating the same.

Week 1

Memo 1: Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.

Week 3

Memo 2: Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day.

Week 6

Memo 3: Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude.

Week 8

Memo 4: A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory.

Week 9

Memo No. 5: As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress.

Week 14

Memo 6: The Casual Day Task Force has distributed a 30-page manual entitled "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards." A copy has been distributed to every employee.

Week 18

Memo 7: Company is providing psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day.

Week 20

Memo 8: We are no longer able to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day is discontinued

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The power of prayers & The miracle at Dunkirk

During the 2nd world war several thousand allied soldiers, mostly British, were trapped by the Germans at a French coast called Dunkirk.

All escape routes were sealed off. The sea escape route was impossible as the German submarines and war ships were heavily guarding it.

The Germans were closing in from all other directions and a bloody massacre was expected the next day. No one was expected to live.

The British PM, Winston Churchill told the nation, "There is only one hope. Let's all pray for them."

Throughout that day and night the whole of Britain prayed for them. Special masses and prayers were conducted in every church.

That night, suddenly, there was a heavy and dense fog. It was totally the wrong season for fog and it never happened before. Under the cover of the heavy fog, the British ships crossed the French channel as the German subs and war ships could not detect them in the fog and rescued each and every one of the soldiers.

As soon as the ships returned home, the fog vanished.

How and why the heavy fog formed and vanished is still one of the biggest meteorological mysteries.

20 Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work ( Office Humor )

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increased job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.

16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.

17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

18. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of drinks.

19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

20. It's obviously a good idea ....

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THE POWER OF GIVING

It was a really hot summer's day many years ago. I was on my way to pick up two items at the grocery store. In those days, I was a frequent visitor to the supermarket because there never seemed to be enough money for a whole week's food-shopping at once.

You see, my young wife, after a tragic battle with cancer, had died just a few months earlier. There was no insurance -- just many expenses and a mountain of bills. I held a part-time job, which barely generated enough money to feed my two young children.

Things were bad -- really bad.

And so it was that day, with a heavy heart and four dollars in my pocket, I was on my way to the supermarket to purchase a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread. The children were hungry and I had to get them something to eat. As I came to a red traffic light, I noticed on my right a young man, a young woman and a child on the grass next to the road. The blistering noonday sun beat down on them without mercy.


The man held up a cardboard sign which read, "Will Work for Food." The woman stood next to him. She just stared at the cars stopped at the red light. The child, probably about two years old, sat on the grass holding a one-armed doll. I noticed all this in the thirty seconds it took for the traffic light to change to green.

I wanted so desperately to give them a few dollars, but if I did that, there wouldn't be enough left to buy the milk and bread. Four dollars will only go so far. As the light changed, I took one last glance at the three of them and sped off feeling both guilty (for not helping them) and sad (because I didn't have enough money to share with them).

As 20I kept driving, I couldn't get the picture of the three of them out of my mind. The sad, haunting eyes of the young man and his family stayed with me for about a mile. I could take it no longer. I felt their pain and had to do something about it. I turned around and drove back to where I had last seen them.

I pulled up close to them and handed the man two of my four dollars. There were tears in his eyes as he thanked me. I smiled and drove on to the supermarket. Perhaps both milk and bread would be on sale, I thought. And what if I only got milk alone, or just the bread? Well, it would have to do.

I pulled into the parking lot, still thinking about the whole incident,=2 0yet feeling good about what I had done. As I stepped out of the car, my foot slid on something on the pavement. There by my feet was a twenty-dollar bill. I just couldn't believe it. I looked all around, picked it up with awe, went into the store and purchased not only bread and milk, but several other items I desperately needed.

I never forgot that incident. It reminded me that the universe was strange and mysterious. It confirmed my belief that you could never out give the universe. I gave away two dollars and got twenty in return. On my way back from the supermarket, I drove by the hungry family and shared five additional dollars with them.

This incident is only one of many that have 20occurred in my life. It seems that the more we give, the more we get. It is, perhaps, one of those universal laws that say, "If you want to receive, you must first give."

There is a little rhyme that goes like this:

"A man there was, and they called him mad,

The more he gave, the more he had."

Most times, we think that we don't have anything to give. Yet, if we look more closely, we 'll see that even the little we have could be shared with others. Let us not wait for a time when we think we'll have lots and then we'll give. By giving and sharing the little we have, we open up the storehouse of the universe and permit rivers of good to come our way.

Don't take my word for it. Just honestly try to give and you'll be surprised at the results. Generally, the returns do not come back from those we give to. It comes back from sources we could hardly imagine. So give your way to riches.

Take a chance on this universal principle. Take a chance on yourself. Universal principles always work.

Sometimes the return from giving happens very quickly as in the true story above. Other times, it takes much longer. But be assured of this: Give and you will receive -- and you'll receive lots more than you ever gave.

And when you give, don't do it with a heart of fear, but with a heart full of gratitude. You will be a mazed at how it all works out.

Open the gates of affluence in your life by giving a bit of what you have to those in need. As the great Teacher said, .Give and it will be given unto you..

Try it. You'll like it.
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Management Stories

Story # 1
It's a fine sunny day in the forest and a lion is sitting outside his cave, lying lazily in the sun. Along comes a fox, out on a walk.

Fox: "Do you know the time, because my watch is broken"
Lion: "Oh, I can easily fix the watch for you"
Fox: "Hmm... But it's a very complicated mechanism, and your big claws will only destroy it even more."
Lion: "Oh no, give it to me, and it will be fixed"
Fox: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that lazy lions with great claws cannot fix complicated watches"
Lion: "Sure they do, give it to me and it will be fixed"

The lion disappears into his cave, and after a while he comes back with the watch which is running perfectly. The fox is impressed, and the lion continues to lie lazily in the sun, looking very pleased with himself.


Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the lazy lion in the sun.

Wolf: "Can I come and watch TV tonight with you, because mine is broken"
Lion: "Oh, I can easily fix your TV for you"
Wolf: "You don't expect me to believe such rubbish, do you? There is no way that a lazy lion with big claws can fix a complicated TV.
Lion: "No problem. Do you want to try it?"

The lion goes into his cave, and after a while comes back with a perfectly fixed TV. The wolf goes away happily and amazed.

Scene : Inside the lion's cave. In one corner are half a dozen small and intelligent looking rabbits who are busily doing very complicated work with very detailed instruments. In the other corner lies a huge lion looking very pleased with himself.

Moral : IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY A MANAGER IS FAMOUS; LOOK AT THE WORK OF HIS SUBORDINATES.

Management Lesson in the context of the working world : IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY SOMEONE UNDESERVED IS PROMOTED; LOOK AT THE WORK OF HIS SUBORDINATES

Story # 2
It's a fine sunny day in the forest and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter. Along comes a fox, out for a walk.

Fox: "What are you working on?"
Rabbit: "My thesis."
Fox: "Hmm... What is it about?"
Rabbit: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes."
Fox: "That's ridiculous ! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes!
Rabbit: "Come with me and I'll show you!"

They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After few minutes, gnawing on a fox bone, the rabbit returns to his typewriter and resumes typing.

Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit.
Wolf: "What's that you are writing?"
Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves."
Wolf: "you don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?"
Rabbit: "No problem. Do you want to see why?"

The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow and again the rabbit returns by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing.
Finally a bear comes along and asks, "What are you doing?
Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat bears."
Bear: "Well that's absurd !"
Rabbit: "Come into my home and I'll show you"

Scene : As they enter the burrow, the rabbit introduces the bear to the lion.

Moral: IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW SILLY YOUR THESIS TOPIC IS; WHAT MATTERS IS WHOM YOU HAVE AS A SUPERVISOR.

Management Lesson in the context of the working world: IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW BAD YOUR PERFORMANCE IS; WHAT MATTERS IS WHETHER YOUR BOSS LIKES YOU OR NOT

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If Titanic was made in India:

1) There would be 10 times as many people on the ship

2) There would be a song with Kate Winslet in a white saree and of course singing in the rain

3) The movie would be called "Pyar Kiya To Marna Kya"

4) Hero and Heroine would float in cold water for days and still survive, but the villian would die on the first dip

5) The iceberg would be sent by the heroine's father to teach the hero a lesson

6) None of the women would float due to heavy designer sarees.

And last but not least

7) Half of the rescue boats would be reserved for SC/ST/OBC

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D Dream

D Dream is not wat u c in sleep.....dream is which does not let u sleep........

Wedding Ceremony

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom.

They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand.

Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.

The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something.

So he announced 'Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life.'

Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, 'My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me.'

The whole audience including priest started laughing....

But not the poor groom!

******

Women are so much smarter

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

( Women are so much smarter than men! )

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How to kill your mother in law

A long time ago in China , a girl named Li-Li got married & went to live with her husband and mother-in-law. In a very short time, Li-Li found that she couldn't get along with her mother-in-law at all.

Their personalities were very different, and Li-Li was angered by many of her mother-in-law's habits. In addition, she criticized Li-Li constantly.

Days passed, and weeks passed. Li-Li and her mother-in-law never stopped arguing and fighting.

But what made the situation even worse was that, according to ancient Chinese tradition, Li-Li had to bow to her mother-in-law and obey her every wish. All the anger and unhappiness in the house was causing Li-Li's poor husband! D great distress.

Finally, Li-Li could not stand her mother-in-! law's bad temper and dictatorship any longer, and she decided to do something about it! Li-Li went to see her father's good friend, Mr. Huang, who sold herbs.

She told him the situation and asked if he would give her some poison so that she could solve the problem once and for all.

Mr. Huang thought for awhile, and finally said, "Li-Li, I will help you solve your problem, but you must listen to me and obey what I tell you."

Li-Li said, "Yes, Mr. Huang, I will do whatever you tell me to do."Mr. Huang went into the back room, and returned in a few minutes with a package of herbs. He told Li-Li, "You can't use a quick-acting poison to get rid of your mother-in-law, because that would cause people to become suspicious Therefore, I have given you a number of herbs that will slowly build up poison in her body. Every other day prepare some delicious meal and put a little of these herbs in her serving.

Now, in order to make sure that nobody suspect you, when she dies, you must be very careful to act very friendly towards her. "Don't argue with her, obey her every wish, and treat her like a queen." Li-Li was so happy.

She thanked Mr. Huang and hurried home to start her plot of murdering her mother-in-law.

Weeks went by, and months went by, and every other day, Li-Li served the specially treated food to her mother-in-law. She remembered what Mr. Huang had said about avoiding suspicion, so she controlled her temper!r, obeyed her mother-in-law, and treated her like her own mother.

After six months had passed, the whole household had changed. Li-Li had practiced controlling her temper so much that she found that she almost never got mad or upset. She hadn't had an argument with her mother-in-law in six months because she now seemed much kinder and easier to get along with.

The mother-in-law's attitude toward Li-Li changed, and she began to love Li-Li like her own daughter. She kept telling friends and relatives that Li-Li was the best daughter-in-law one could ever find. Li-Li and her mother-in-law were now treating each other like a real mother and daughter.

Li-Li's husband was very happy to see what was happening. One day, Li-Li came to see Mr. Huang and asked for his help again She said, "Dear Mr. Huang, please help me to keep the poison from killing my mother-in-law. She's changed into such a nice woman, and I love her like my own mother. I do not want her to die because of the poison I gave her."

Mr. Huang smiled and nodded his head. "Li-Li, there's nothing to worry about. I never gave you any poison. The herbs I gave you were vitamins to improve her health. The only poison was in your mind and your attitude toward her, but that has been all washed away by the love which you gave to her."

HAVE YOU REALIZED that how you treat others is exactly how they will treat you? There is a wise Chinese saying: "The person who loves others will also be loved in return." God might be trying to work in another person's life through you. Send this to your friends and spread the POWER OF LOVE.

Naughty mind....High expectations

It was professor smith's first day at St. Johns medical college as a faculty. Known for his teaching excellence, he made his entry into a classroom of 1st year medical students, where he received a warm welcome from the students, followed by their intro.

To start with, he planned to put forth a question to the class. He said, "Well students, before we start off with today's lecture, let me ask you a simple question on human anatomy".

He gazed across the classroom, spotted a female student Suzie, and said, "Tell me Suzie, which part of the human body grows 10 times its original size when excited?"

Hearing this question, Suzie's face grew pale in embarrassment, she replied:" you should be ashamed to ask such a question to a female. I am sorry, but I can't answer your, this question".

Thwarted by the girl's reply, professor smith rolled on his sight around the classroom afresh, to find out if there was anyone else who could satisfy his query.

This time he located a male student Henry, who had already raised his hand in affirmation to answer the question, and allowed the lad to go ahead.

Henry answered: "pupil of a human eye".

The professor applauded for the boy's accurate answer; then turned back to Suzie and said: "look, Suzie, I am sorry but, I must tell you a couple of things:
(1) You lack knowledge
(2) you have a dirty mind and
(3) Your Expectations are too high !!!!!!!(10 times..........huh......MY GOD!!)

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Men vs. Women

What is the difference between men and women?


1. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

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2. Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

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3. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

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4. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

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5. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman- before and after marriage.

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6. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

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7. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

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8. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

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9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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10. Women look at a wedding as the beginning of romance, while men look at a wedding as the ending of romance.

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Old carpenter

An elderly carpenter was ready to retire. He told his employer- contractor of his plans to leave the house- building business and live a more leisurely life with his wife enjoying his extended family. He would miss the paycheck, but he needed to retire. They could get by.

The contractor was sorry to see his good worker go and asked if he could build just one more house as a personal favor. The carpenter said yes, but in time it was easy to see that his heart was not in his work. He resorted to shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials. It was an unfortunate way to end a dedicated career.

When the carpenter finished his work the employer came to inspect the house. He handed the front-door key to the carpenter.

This is your house, he said, my gift to you.

The carpenter was shocked! What a shame!

If he had only known he was building his own, he would have done it all so differently.

We do the most of the things having such thoughts in our mind. But we only realize when it comes back to us.

So it is with us. We build our lives, a day at a time, often putting less than our best into the building. Then with a shock we realize we have to live in the house that we have built. If we could do it over, we'd do it much differently. But we cannot go back.

You are the carpenter. Each day you hammer a nail, place a board, or erect a wall. Life is a do-it-yourself project, someone has said. Your attitudes and the choices you make today, build the house you live in tomorrow. Build wisely!

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Present for husband

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"

The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl !!!" The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good, thank you." "And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" She asked.

"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"

"Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!"

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No more headaches?

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those

Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat

"I do not Have a Headache;

I do not have a headache,

I do not have a headache."

It Worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball

Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the

Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his

Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He Puts her on The bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes

Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With

That, He goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom,

She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

"She's not my Wife.

She's Not my wife.

She's not my wife..."

.
.
.
.

His funeral services will be held on Friday.

*********

Childless couple

There once was a husband and wife who were unable to have children. After consulting everyone who would listen to their problem, they were still unsatisfied. Finally, they consulted their family priest.

"My children," the priest began, "The Lord will listen to your prayers, and I am sure that you will be blessed with children shortly. In fact, I am planning an extended stay in Rome, and while I'm visiting the Vatican, I will light a candle for you."

"Thank you, Father, thank you!" said the couple.

Before leaving, the priest turned and said, "I am sure everything will work out just fine for you. My stay in Rome will be for quite some time--15 years. But when I return, I will be sure to pay you a visit."

And so, 15 years came and went, and the priest returned to the States.


While resting on his porch one mid-summer morning, he remembered the promise of paying a visit that he had made 15 years ago. So he made his way to their home, and upon arriving at the residence of the couple who'd sought his council years earlier, he rang the doorbell.

Sounds of crying and screaming children filled the air! Overjoyed by the thought that their prayers had been answered, he entered the house. More than a DOZEN children filled the house from top to bottom! In the midst of all the chaos, stood the wife.


"My dear," the priest said, "your prayers have been answered! And where is your husband? I wish to congratulate him too on your miracle!"

"He just left for Rome," she said in a very desperate tone.

"Rome? Why did he go to Rome?" asked the priest.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.


"To blow out that candle you lit!"

*********

Don't Call Home For Money

A 16-year-old boy comes home with a brand-new Porsche one day. As you might expect, his parents freak out a little bit.

"Where on Earth did you get that car?" demands his mother.

"I bought it today," the boy calmly replies

"With what money?" his parents exclaim. "We know what a Porsche costs."

"With my allowance money," answers the boy. "It was just 15 bucks. And look, here's the title to it!"

This gets the parents even more worked up. "Fifteen bucks??? Who the heck sells a brand-new Porsche for fifteen bucks?" they ask.

"It was the lady that just moved in up the street," says the boy. "I don't know her name. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Well, there must have been some kind of mistake," says the mother. Turning to her husband, she says, "John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walks up the street, where he finds an attractive middle-aged woman in the front yard planting petunias.

He introduces himself and says he's looking for a woman who just sold a Porsche to his son.

"Oh, yes," she responds. "That was me. I hope he's enjoying it!"

"Er... Yes, very much," replies the father. "But to tell you the truth, we can't understand what just happened. Why in the world did you sell it for such a low price?"

"Well," she says, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend that he ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't plan to come back.

He said he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

*******

WHAT WOMAN SAY & WHAT IT MEANS

CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.

*********
I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
.... Without you in it.

*********
DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.

*********
NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
.... You cheap slob!

*********
I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

*********
I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.

*********
COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.

*********
I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.

*********
OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
.... Just not in that way.

*********
YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.

*********
WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.

*********
I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

*********
OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.

*********
OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

*********
I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

*********

The Begger's Rags

A beggar lived near the king's palace. One day he saw a proclamation posted outside the palace gate. The king was giving a great dinner. Anyone dressed in royal garments was invited to the party.

The beggar went on his way. He looked at the rags he was wearing and sighed. Surely only kings and their families wore royal robes, he thought. Slowly an idea crept into his mind. The audacity of it made him tremble. Would he dare?

He made his way back to the palace. He approached the guard at the gate. "Please, sire, I would like to speak to the king."

"Wait here," the guard replied. In a few minutes, he was back. "His majesty will see you," he said, and led the beggar in.

"You wish to see me?" asked the king.

"Yes, your majesty. I want so much to attend the banquet, but I have no royal robes to wear. Please, sir, if I may be so bold, may I have one of your old garments so that I, too, may come to the banquet?"

The beggar shook so hard that he could not see the faint smile that was on the king's face. "You have been wise in coming to me," the king said. He called to his son, the young prince. "Take this man to your room and array him in some of your clothes."

The prince did as he was told and soon the beggar was standing before a mirror, clothed in garments that he had never dared hope for.

"You are now eligible to attend the king's banquet tomorrow night," said the prince. "But even more important, you will never need any other clothes. These garments will last forever."

The beggar dropped to his knees. "Oh, thank you," he cried. But as he started to leave, he looked back at his pile of dirty rags on the floor. He hesitated. What if the prince was wrong? What if he would need his old clothes again. Quickly he gathered them up.

The banquet was far greater than he had ever imagined, but he could not enjoy himself as he should. He had made a small bundle of his old rags and it kept falling off his lap. The food was passed quickly and the beggar missed some of the greatest delicacies.

Time proved that the prince was right. The clothes lasted forever. Still the poor beggar grew fonder and fonder of his old rags. As time passed people seemed to forget the royal robes he was wearing. They saw only the little bundle of filthy rags that he clung to wherever he went. They even spoke of him as the old man with the rags.One day as he lay dying, the king visited him.

The beggar saw the sad look on the king's face when he looked at the small bundle of rags by the bed.Suddenly the beggar remembered the prince's words and he realized that his bundle of rags had cost him a lifetime of true royalty. He wept bitterly at his folly. And the king wept with him.

******

When we put our faith in God, we must let go of the sin in our life, and our old ways of living.

******

40 Tips for Better Life

1. Take a 10-30 minutes walk every day. And while you walk, smile.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.

3. Sleep for at least 7 hours.

4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.

5. Play more games.

6. Read more books than you did last year.

7. Make time to practice meditation, yoga, and prayer. They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.

8. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.

9. Dream more while you are awake.

10. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

11. Drink plenty of water.

12. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

13. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.

14. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his / her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.

15. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

16. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

17. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.

18. Smile and laugh more.

19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.

20. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

21. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

22. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

23. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about. Don't compare your partner with others'.

24. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

25. Forgive every one for every thing.

26. What other people think of you is none of your business.

27. GOD heals everything.

28. However good or bad a situation is -- it will change.

29. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Friends will. Stay in touch. . .

30. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

31. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

32. The best is yet to come.

33. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

34. Do the right thing !

35. Call your family often.

36. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

37. Each day give something good to others.

38. Don't over do. Keep your limits.

39. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.

40. Please Forward this to everyone you care about.


TAKE CARE...... LOVE YOURSELF....

Shameless Visitor

The Grandmother of a just got married American Desi phoned that he was coming to present his beautiful lovely wife to grandma.

The delighted Grandma Desi started giving instructions how to come to their high rise Desi colony retirement Apartment.

She started blabbering, "When you come to the front door of the apartment building inside vestibule, My son there is a push button, push it with your Elbow, I will hear and open the door from my apartment for you.

You will hear the pi……pi buzz. You push the door with your Elbow and open. Enter and walk to the Elevator.

Push the UP button with your Elbow and elevator opens. Enter. Push the #4 button with your Elbow carefully and elevator comes to fourth floor. Walk to the room number 420 and push the button with your Elbow. I will open the door for you."

The polite grand son said, "Dear Grand Ma, my wife and I can handle all these, we have been born here. Don't worry. But explain one thing, why do you want me to push all the buttons with my Elbow."

The Grandma Desi yelled, "What? Shameless, you are coming without gifts in your hands for Grandma?"

Love VS Marriage

Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.

Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is a take home packet.

Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.

Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.

Love is a romantic drive.
Marriage is arrive on tops curvy tarmac .

Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.

Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.

Tv has no place in love.
Marriage is a fight for remote control.

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".

Conclusion: "Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener!"

Wacky Greeting Cards

Wacky Greeting Cards For Unloved Ones!


1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am...
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me.

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go...
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

5. Someday I hope to marry...
(Inside card) - Someone other than you.

6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!

7.. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

8. We've been friends for a very long time...
(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?

9. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.

10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?

11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday...
(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.

13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Arkansas, Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia.)

14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
(Inside card) - What was I thinking?

15. Congratulations on your wedding day!...
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.

******

No God or Know God?

An atheist professor of philosophy speaks to his class on the problem Science has with God, The Almighty.

He asks one of his new students to stand and.....

Prof: So you believe in God?

Student: Absolutely, sir.

Prof: Is God good?

Student: Sure.

Prof: Is God all-powerful?

Student: Yes.

Prof: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to God to heal him.

Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But God didn't. How is this God good then? Hmm? (Student is silent.)

Prof: You can't answer, can you? Let's start again, young fellow. Is God good?

Student: Yes.

Prof: Is Satan good?

Student: No.

Prof: Where does Satan come from?

Student: From...God.. .

Prof: That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?

Student: Yes.

Prof: Evil is everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything. Correct?

Student: Yes.

Prof: So who created evil?

(Student does not answer.)

Prof: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don't they?

Student: Yes, sir.

Prof: So, who created them?

(Student has no answer.)

Prof: Science says you have 5 senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son...Have you ever seen God?

Student: No, sir.

Prof: Tell us if you have ever heard your God?

Student: No, sir.

Prof: Have you ever felt your God, tasted your God, smelt your God? Have you ever had any sensory perception of God for that matter?

Student: No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.

Prof: Yet you still believe in Him?

Student: Yes.

Prof: According to empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your GOD doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?

Student: Nothing. I only have my faith.

Prof: Yes. Faith. And that is the problem science has.

Student: Professor, is there such a thing as heat?

Prof: Yes.

Student: And is there such a thing as cold?

Prof: Yes.

Student: No sir. There isn't.

(The lecture theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events.)

Student: Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don't have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat,

But we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold.

Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.

(There is pin-drop silence in the lecture theatre.)

Student: What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?

Prof: Yes. What is night if there isn't darkness?

Student: You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light....But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and its called darkness, isn't it? In reality, darkness isn't.

If it were you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?

Prof: So what is the point you are making, young man?

Student: Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.

Prof: Flawed? Can you explain how?

Student: Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure.

Sir, science can't even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one.

To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?

Prof: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.

Student: Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?

(The Professor shakes his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument is going.)

Student: Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavour, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher?

(The class is in uproar.)

Student: Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor's brain?

(The class breaks out into laughter.)

Student: Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor's brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, sir.

With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?

(The room is silent. The professor stares at the student, his face unfathomable. )

Prof: I guess you'll have to take them on faith, son.

Student: That is it sir... The link between man & god is FAITH.

That is all that keeps things moving & alive..................

*********

A Million Frogs

A farmer came into town and asked the owner of a restaurant if he could use a million frog legs.The restaurant owner was shocked and asked the man where he could get so many frog legs! The farmer replied, "There is a pond near my house that is full of frogs--millions of them. They croak all during the night and are about to drive me crazy!"

So the restaurant owner and the farmer made an agreement that the farmer would deliver frogs to the restaurant five hundred at a time for the next several weeks.

The first week, the farmer returned to the restaurant looking rather sheepish, with two scrawny little frogs. The restaurant owner said, "Well...where are all the frogs?" The farmer said, "I was mistaken. There were only these two frogs in the pond. But they sure were making a lot of noise!"

Next time you hear somebody criticizing or making fun of you, remember it's probably just a couple of noisy frogs. Also--remember that problems always seem bigger in the dark.

Have you ever lain in your bed at might worrying about things which seem almost overwhelming--like a million frogs croaking? Chances are pretty good that when the morning comes, and you take a closer look, you'll wonder what all the fuss was about.

******

Fairy Tale

Many years ago in a small Indian village,


A farmer had the misfortune Of owing a large sum of money to a village moneylender.


The Moneylender, who was old and ugly, fancied the farmer's beautiful Daughter. So he proposed a bargain.


He said he would forgo the farmer's debt if he could marry his Daughter. Both the farmer and his daughter were horrified by the Proposal.


So the cunning money-lender suggested that they let Providence decide the matter.


He told them that he would put a black Pebble and a white pebble into an empty money bag. Then the girl would Have to pick one pebble from the bag.


1) If she picked the black pebble, she would become his wife and her father's debt would be forgiven.


2) If she picked the white pebble she need not marry him and her father's debt would still be forgiven.


3) But if she refused to pick a pebble, her father would be thrown into Jail.


They were standing on a pebble strewn path in the farmer's field. As They talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up two pebbles. As he Picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl noticed that he had picked up two Black pebbles and put them into the bag.


He then asked the girl to pick A pebble from the bag.



Now, imagine that you were standing in the field. What would you have Done if you were the girl? If you had to advise her, what would you Have told her?



Careful analysis would produce three possibilities:


1. The girl should refuse to take a pebble.


2. The girl should show that there were two black pebbles in the bag And expose the money-lender as a cheat.


3. The girl should pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself in order To save her father from his debt and imprisonment.


Take a moment to ponder over the story. The above story is used with The hope that it will make us appreciate the difference between lateral And logical thinking.


The girl's dilemma cannot be solved with Traditional logical thinking. Think of the consequences if she chooses


The above logical answers.


What would you recommend to the Girl to do?


Well, here is what she did ....


The girl put her hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble. Without Looking at it, she fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble-strewn path Where it immediately became lost among all the other pebbles.


"Oh, how clumsy of me," she said. "But never mind, if you look into the Bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which pebble I Picked."


Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be assumed that she had Picked the white one. And since the money-lender dared not admit his Dishonesty, the girl changed what seemed an impossible situation into An extremely advantageous one.


MORAL OF THE STORY:

Most complex problems do have a solution. It is only that we don't Attempt to think.

Sand and Stone

This story tells of two friends walking through the desert. During some point of the journey, they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face.


The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand:



They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath.


The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him. After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone:


The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him, "After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand, and now, you write on a stone. Why?"


The other friend replied, "When someone hurts us, we should write it down in sand, where winds of forgiveness can erase it away. When someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone, where no wind can ever erase it."


Learn to write your hurts in sand, and to carve your benefits in stone.

Little Johnny

A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.

''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''

The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like the way you think.''

Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''

''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like the way you think.''

******

Arrested for laughing

This is from an actual trial in the UK : A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.

When She Noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on Account of her condition.

She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.

She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing...................She had him arrested.

Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.

His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant..

She sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'.

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'.

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'

The case was dismissed.........!!!!!!!!

*******

The Cow & The Pig

There was once a man who was very rich and very miserly at the same time. The villagers disliked him intensely. One day he said to them, "Either you're jealous of me or you don't understand my love of money-God alone knows. But you dislike me; that much I know. When I die, I won't take anything with me. I will leave it all for others. I will make a will, and I will give everything to charity. Then everyone will be happy."

Even then people mocked and laughed at him. The rich man said to them, "What is the matter with you? Can't you wait a few years to see my money go to charity?"

The villagers didn't believe him. He said, "Do you think I'm immortal? I'll die like everyone else, and then my money will go to charities." He couldn't understand why they didn't believe him.

One day he went for a walk. All of a sudden it started raining heavily, so he took shelter under a tree. Under this tree he saw a pig and a cow. The pig and the cow entered into conversation, and the man overheard what they were saying.

The pig said to the cow, "How is it that everybody appreciates you and nobody appreciates me? When I die, I provide people with bacon, ham and sausage. People can also use my bristles. I give three or four things, whereas you give only one thing: milk. Why do people appreciate you all the time and not me?"

The cow said to the pig, "Look, I give them milk while I'm alive. They see that I am generous with what I have. But you don't give them anything while you're alive. Only after you're dead do you give ham, bacon and so forth. People don't believe in the future; they believe in the present. If you give while you are alive, people will appreciate you. It is quite simple."

From that moment on, the rich man gave all he had to the poor.

********

Women are evil

Women are evil if they don't get what they need....

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.


'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. 'Actually, no,' he replied.

'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.


'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do?'

'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued,

Running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.

'Tell him, There's no toilet paper, hand soap or paper towels in the ladies room.'

Doubts..

I've some doubts.. Can u please clarify me..
1. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? (to be given a thought)

2. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? (very good thinking)

3. Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (who knows)
4. Can you cry under water? (let me try)

5. Why do people say, "you've been working like adog" when dogs just sitaround all day? (I think they meant something else)

6. Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? (God knows)

7. Do fish ever get thirsty? (let me ask and tell)

8. Can you get cornered in a round room? (by oneseyes)

9. Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (tonight I will stayand watch)

10. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oilis made from vegetables,then what is baby oil made from? (No comments)

11. What should one call a male ladybird? (Nocomments)

12. If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they rememberthat they forgot? (can somebody help )

13. Can you blow a balloon up under water? (yes u can)

14. Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? (strange isn't it)

15. If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be ! Able to hear it? (got to think scientifically)

16. If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?

17. Why is it called a TV set when theres only one? (very nice)

18. Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?

19. If drink & drive is not allowed why the hell they have parking in Bars?

******

Bicycles are better.....!

1. Bicycles don't pregnant.

2. You can ride your bicycle any time of the month.

3. Bicycles don't have parents.

4. Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.

5. You can share your bicycles with your friends.

6. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you've ridden.

7. When riding, you and your bicycle can arrive at the same time.

8. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you have now.

9. Bicycles don't care if you look at other bicycles.

10. Bicycles don't care if you buy bicycle magazines.

11. You'll never hear, "Suprise, you're goning to own a new bicycle" unless you go out and buy one yourself.

12. If your bicycle goes flat, you can fix it.

13. If your bicycle is too loose, you can tighten it.

14. If your bicycle gets misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.

15. You can have a black bicycle and bring it home to your parents.

16. You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your bicycle.

17. If you say bad things to your bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.

18. You can ride your bicycle as long as you want and it wont get sore.

19. You can stop riding your bicycle as soon as you want and it wont get frustrated.

20. Your parents wont remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it.

21. Bicycles don't get headaches.

22. Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.

23. Your bicyle never wants a night out with other bicycles.

24. Bicycles don't care if you're late.

25. You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.

26. If your bicycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.

27. You can ride your bicycle the first time you meet it without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.

28. The only protection you need to wear when riding your bicycle is a decent helment.

29. When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your bicycle

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Zodiac Signs and the way they Kiss

Aries: Your kisses are quick and passionate fits of lustful pleasure that are there and then gone.

Taurus: Your kisses linger; they are deliberate, heartfelt and they can go on and on and on.

Gemini: Your kisses are interrupted by spasms of giggles, smiles and funny observations.

Cancer: Your kisses are warm and tender, and you never want to let them go.

Leo: Your kisses are wild and uninhibited, biting and clawing, you expect applause for your performance.

Virgo: Your kisses are so subtle and tidy, your lover only notices them once you've finished.

Libra: You're too busy worrying about your breath to really get into your kisses.

Scorpio: You skip the kiss and get straight to whatever comes next for you.

Sagittarius: Your kisses are surprising, spontaneous affairs that leave the kissed wanting more.

Capricorn: Your kisses are intense moments of sublime relief from the stress of your day.

Aquarius: Your kisses are wet and messy, and you tend to keep your eyes open.

Pisces: Your kisses are starry-eyed, amorous and long-lasting.

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