Change my room

The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room be changed.

"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."

"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.

"Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.

"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

*********

Wife's cat

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing.

As he was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.

At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?". "Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that damn cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"

Father and Son

One old man was sitting with his 25 years old son in the train.

Train is about to leave the station.

All passengers are settling down their seat.

As train started young man was filled with lot of joy and
curiosity.

He was sitting on the window side.

He went out one hand and feeling the passing air. He
shouted, "Papa see all trees are going behind".

Old man smile and admired son feelings.

Beside the young man one couple was sitting and listing all
the conversion between father and son.

They were little awkward with the attitude of 25
years old man behaving like a small child.

Suddenly young man again shouted, "Papa see the pond
and animals. Clouds are moving with train".

Couple was watching the young man in embarrassingly.

Now its start raining and some of water drops touches the
young man's hand.

He filled with joy and he closed the eyes.

He shouted again," Papa it's raining, water is
touching me, see papa".

Couple couldn't help themselves and ask the old man.

"Why don't you visit the Doctor and get treatment for your son."

Old man said,

" Yes, We are coming from the hospital as Today
only my son got his eye sight for first time in his life".

Moral: "Don't draw conclusions until you know all the facts".

Blood Business

A Lalloobhai Bihari needed a heart transplant.

A lots of blood was required in case of emergency need of his rare type of blood. This blood was nowhere to be found.

Finally, a Makhichus Marwari with matching blood came forward from Marwar, for this price-less gift to others and next life punya merit it brought for free, to Patna for this free trip at Bihari's expense.

Surgery was accomplished with success. Bihari sent a thank you note, a beautiful car, a diamond ring, and tons of political money to the Marwari for his sense of philanthropy.

Soon in a few months need to attend to Bihari's heart again became necessary.

Marwari was called upon from Rajasthan to Jharkhand at his own expense.

He came flying, stayed like king, gave the blood again and left.

Bihari was cured, sent a simple "Thank you and may God bless you" note.

Marwari was furious

Came running on his feet from one end of the country to the other, loosing half his weight, for his just reward in this life, demanded an explanation why it was such a miserly sense of gratitude from this world famous filthy rich political Bihari now.

Bihari calmly explained, "Ha Bhaia, what I do? I now have Marwari blood in me, remember, you are the one who gave it to me?"

*******

Work Attitude

An elderly carpenter was ready to retire. He told his employer-contractor of his plans to leave the house-building business and live a more leisurely life with his wife enjoying his extended family. He would miss the paycheck, but he needed to retire.

They could get by. The contractor was sorry to see his good worker go and asked if he could build just one more house as a personal favor. The carpenter said yes, but in time it was easy to see that his heart was not in his work.

He resorted to Shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials. It was an unfortunate way to end a dedicated career. When the carpenter finished his work the employer came to inspect the house. He handed the front-door key to the carpenter. "This is your house" he said, "my gift to you."

The carpenter was shocked! What a shame! If he had only known he was building his own house, he would have done it all so differently.

So it is with us. We build our lives, a day at a time, often putting less than our best into the building. Then with a shock we realize we have to live in the house we have built. If we could do it over, we'd do it much differently. But we cannot go back.

You are the carpenter. Each day you hammer a nail, place a board, or erect a Wall. "Life is a do-it-yourself project" someone has said . Your attitudes and the choices you make today, build the "house" you live in tomorrow. Build wisely!

******

Don't break the elastic

In April, Maya Angelou was interviewed by Oprah on her 70+ birthday.

Oprah asked her what she thought of growing older.
And there on television, she said it was 'exciting.'

Maya Angelou said this:

'I've learned that no matter what happens or how bad it seems today, life does go on and it will be better tomorrow.'

'I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage and tangled Christmas tree lights.'

'I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.'

'I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as 'making a life.'

'I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.'

'I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands . You need to be able to throw some things back.'

'I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.'

'I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.'

'I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug or just a friendly pat on the back.'

'I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.'

'I've learned that people will forget what you said; people will forget what you did; but people will never forget how you made them feel.'

Life is Nothing without Friends

My Mom always told me that we could never measure our wealth by money but by our friends. She would surely be glad to meet you and know how rich I turned out to be!

Tiny but wonderful seeds of blessings are sprinkled on earth each day...and I just caught one that's so nice and true..

And it's you!

I may have forgotten to say that I care. I may have failed to open up and share, but though no words have been spoken, my promise of friendship won't be broken .

Time and distance are important between friends. When a friend is in your heart, they remain there forever. I may be busy, but I assure you, you are always in my heart!

Friends are like the walls of a house. Sometimes they hold you up, sometimes you lean on them. But sometimes, it's enough to know they're just standing by.

If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them; I'd be at the bottom to catch them.

One tree can start a forest, one smile can start a friendship.

One touch can show you care, one friend can make life worth living for.

Letter to God

A little boy wanted Rs.50 very badly and prayed for weeks,but nothing happened.

Finally he decided to write God a letter requesting the Rs.50. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God - INDIA ,they decided to forward it to the President of the India as a joke.

The President was amused, but thought Rs.50 would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy, and he did not want to spoil the kid.

So he instructed his secretary to send the little boy Rs.30.

The little boy was delighted with Rs. 30, and decided to write a thank you note to God,

which read: "Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money.. However, I noticed that you sent it through the President's Office . . and those donkeys
deducted Rs.20 as tax"

interesting facts

1) Human birth control pill work on gorillas.

2) The right lung takes in more air than the left.

3) it is illegal to own a red car in shanghai china.

4) A hard-boiled egg will spin. An uncooked or soft-boiled egg will not.

5) Astronauts cannot burp in space.

6) The snowiest city in the U.S.A. is blue canyon, California

7) Lake Nicaragua in Nicaragua is the only fresh water lake in the world that has sharks.

8) Kite flying is a professional sport in Thailand.

9) The great warrior Genghis khan died in bed while having sex.

10) No matter how cold it gets gasoline will not freeze.

30 Fascinating Cigarette Smoking Facts

The world’s view on smoking cigarettes has changed dramatically over the last century. The habit was once considered to be cool, sexy, good for your health, and widely enjoyed by many people. It was promoted by sportsmen, and advertised all over television. No one could be seen acting in a movie without a lit cigarette in their hand! Today, smoking is considered to be a nasty addictive habit that can kill you and those around you. You wont find them advertised anywhere - nor will you see anyone smoking inside a public building. It seems that these days smokers are considered to be anti-social and are often frowned at if seen smoking outside in crowded places. Below is a list of interesting facts about cigarettes.

1. Cigarettes are the single-most traded item on the planet, with approximately 1 trillion being sold from country to country each year. At a global take of more than $400 billion, it’s one of the world’s largest industries.

2. The nicotine content in several major brands is reportedly on the rise. Harvard University and the Massachusetts Health Department revealed that between 1997 and 2005 the amount of nicotine in Camel, Newport, and Doral cigarettes may have increased by as much as 11 percent.

3. In 1970, President Nixon signed the law that placed warning labels on cigarettes and banned television advertisements for cigarettes. The last date that cigarette ads were permitted on TV was extended by a day, from December 31, 1970 to January 1, 1971 to allow the television networks one last cash windfall from cigarette advertising in the New Year’s Day football games.

4. U.S. cigarette manufacturers now make more money selling cigarettes to countries around the globe than they do selling to Americans.

5. The American brands Marlboro, Kool, Camel and Kent own roughly 70% of the global cigarette market.

6. Cigarettes contain arsenic, formaldehyde, lead, hydrogen cyanide, nitrogen oxide, carbon monoxide, ammonia and 43 known carcinogens.

7. In the early 1950s, the Kent brand of cigarettes used crocidolite asbestos as part of the filter, a known active carcinogen.

8. Urea, a chemical compound that is a major component in urine, is used to add “flavor” to cigarettes.

9. The ‘Cork Tip’ filter was originally invented in 1925 by Hungarian inventor Boris Aivaz, who patented the process of making the cigarette filter from crepe paper. All kinds of filters were tested, although ‘cork’ is unlikely to have been one of them.

10. In most countries around the world, the legal age for the purchase of tobacco products is now 18, raised from 16, while in Japan the age minimum is 20 years old.

11. Contrary to popular social belief, it is NOT illegal to smoke tobacco products at any age. Parents are within the law to allow minors to smoke, and minors are within the law to smoke tobacco products freely. However, the SALE of tobacco products is highly regulated with legal legislation.

12. Smoking bans in many parts of the world have been employed as a means to stop smokers smoking in public. As a result, many social businesses have claimed a significant drop in the number of people who go out to pubs, bars and restaurants.

13. Scientists claim the average smoker will lose 14 years of their life due to smoking. This however does not necessarily mean that a smoker will die young - and they may still live out a ‘normal’ lifespan.

14. The U.S. states with the highest percentage of smokers are Kentucky (28.7%), Indiana (27.3%), and Tennessee (26.8%), while the states with the fewest are Utah (11.5%), California ( 15.2%), and Connecticut (16.5%).

15. Cigarettes can contain more than 4,000 ingredients, which, when burned, can also produce over 200 ‘compound’ chemicals. Many of these ‘compounds’ have been linked to lung damage.

16. The United States is the only major cigarette market in the world in which the percentage of women smoking cigarettes (22%) comes close to the number of men who smoke (35%). Europe has a slightly larger gap (46% of men smoke, 26% of women smoke), while most other regions have few women smokers. The stats: Africa (29% of men smoke, 4% of women smoke); Southeast Asia (44% of men, 4% of women), Western Pacific (60% of men, 8% of women)

17. Nicotine reaches the brain within 10 seconds after smoke is inhaled. It has been found in every part of the body and in breast milk.

18. Sugar approximates to roughly 20% of a cigarette, and many diabetics are unaware of this secret sugar intake. Also, the effect of burning sugar is unknown.

19. ‘Lite’ cigarettes are produced by infusing tobacco with CO2 and superheating it until the tobacco ‘puffs up’ like expanding foam. The expanded tobacco then fills the same paper tube as ‘regular’ tobacco.

20. Smokers draw on ‘lite’ and menthol cigarettes harder (on average) than regular cigarettes; causing the same overall levels of tar and nicotine to be consumed.

21. ‘Lite’ cigarettes are manufactured with air holes around the filter to aerate the smoke as it is drawn in. Many smokers have learned to cover these holes with their fingers or their lips to get a stronger hit.

22. The immune systems of smokers has to work harder every day than non-smokers. As a result, a smokers’ blood will contain less antioxidants, although a smokers immune system may be quicker to respond to virus attacks due to its more active nature.

23. Smokers often smoke after meals to ‘allow food to digest easier’. In fact, this works because the bodies priority moves away from the digestion of food in favor of protecting the blood cells and flushing toxins from the brain.

24. Some people (mostly males) can be aroused by the sight of smoker smoking (usually females). This is called the Smoking Fetish, and affects a small number of the population. As with most fetishes, the reason for this arousal can usually be traced back to incidents in childhood. However, cigarettes - particularly menthols, force blood away from the penis if smoked while aroused.

25. According to the World Health Organization, approximately 25% of cigarettes sold around the world are smuggled.

26. Most smokers take up the habit in their mid teens, well before the legal age for purchasing them, and is seen as a right of passage towards adulthood. Other perceived rights of passage include: aftershave, wearing stilettos, alcohol, drugs and sexual intercourse; with a combination of these sometimes being cited as the main causes of teenage pregnancy.

27. Smoking tobacco is the ultimate gateway drug in that it is legally available, and involves mastering a unique method of intake - much more so than alcohol (which has such a significant effect that users need look no further for stimulation). Smokers looking to get ‘high’ will very rarely do so from cigarettes after the initial stages of taking up the habit.

28. Smokers generally report a variety of after-effects; such as calmness, relaxation, alertness, stimulation, concentration and many others. In fact, smoking will produce a different effect in each individual depending on ‘what they expect to get’; turning the cigarette into the worlds most popular placebo (satisfying the brains hunger for nicotine being the only ‘relaxing’ factor). The smoker will then use these expectations as a means to continue the habit.

29. Several active ingredients and special methods of production are involved in making sure the nicotine in a cigarette is many times more potent than that of a tobacco plant.

30. ‘Toppings’ are added to the blended tobacco mix to add flavor and a taste unique to the manufacturer. Some of these toppings have included; clove, licorice, orange oil, apricot stone, lime oil, lavender oil, dill seed oil, cocoa, carrot oil, mace oil, myrrh, beet juice, bay leaf, oak, rum, vanilla, and vinegar.

*****

Sensible Humour

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel... Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her
speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75. He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..

Up to 80. "I want the car, too," he continues.

85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he asks, "so
what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph.The wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

**********
Moral of the Story :
Women are crazy!!!!
Don't mess with them!!

**********

THE MOST THINGS TO KNOW

The most useless thing to do.......... ...... Worry

The greatest Joy.......... ...... Giving.

The greatest loss.......... ...... Loss of self-respect.

The most satisfying work.......... ...... Helping others.

The ugliest personality trait.......... ...... Selfishness.

The most endangered species.......... ...... Dedicated leaders.

The greatest "shot in the arm".......... ...... Encouragement.

The greatest problem to overcome.......... ...... Fear.

The most Effective sleeping pill.......... ...... Peace of mind.

The most crippling failure disease.......... ...... Excuses.

The most powerful force in life.......... ...... Love.

The most dangerous pariah.......... ...... A Gossiper.

The world's most incredible computer.......... ...... The Brain.

The worst thing to be without.......... ...... Hope.

The deadliest weapon.......... ...... The tongue.

The two most power-filled words.......... ...... "I Can".

The greatest asset.......... ...... Faith.

The most worthless emotion.......... ...... Self-pity.

The most prized possession.......... ...... Integrity.

The most beautiful attire.......... ...... A Smile.

The most powerful channel of communication.......... ...... Prayer.

The most contagious spirit.......... ...... Enthusiasm.

The most important thing in the life.......... ...... God.

Four Old Ladies

Four older ladies are sitting around playing bridge.

The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But, don't worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long."

The second lady says, "Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a nymphomaniac. But don't worry, I have not hit on your husbands. They don't interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long."

"Well," says the third lady, "I, too, must confess something. I am a lesbian. But do not worry, I will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship."

The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!"

Lovely Reasoning

A saint asked his disciples, 'Why do we shout in anger? Why do people shout at each other when they are upset?'

Disciples thought for a while, one of them said, 'Because we lose our calm, we shout for that.'

'But, why to shout when the other person is just next to you?' asked the saint. 'Isn't it possible to speak to him or her with a soft voice? Why do you shout at a person when you're angry?'

Disciples gave some other answers but none satisfied the saint.

Finally he explained, 'When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other through that great distance.'

Then the saint asked, 'What happens when two people fall in love? They don't shout at each other but talk softly, why? Because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is very small...'

The saint continued, 'When they love each other even more, what happens?

They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other in their love. Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at each other and that's all. That is how close two people are when they love each other..'

MORAL: When you argue do not let your hearts get distant, do not say words that distance each other more, else there will come a day when the distance is so great that you will not find the path to return.

The Final Prediction

A low cost budget film crew was shooting on an Indian Reservoir beach about natural psychic abilities of ancient American Indians.

Suddenly an Indian shows up, walks to the Director and says, “Tomorrow wind Storm, No shooting please. “ Sure enough a storm came and Director saved lots of money.

A few days later, again shooting preparedness was made and the Indian shows up.

“Tomorrow hurricane, no shooting please.” Sure enough a hurricane came and Director saved the money.

The amazing accurate predictive ability of the Indian on snow, rain, ice, blizzard, lightning, thunderstorm, was financially benefiting the Director that he got fond of him.

Now he was reaching towards the climax of the important shooting and waiting for the Indian to come and predict the weather.

The Indian was no where to be found. So he personally went looking for him and found him in a stinking smoking chimney hut. He went inside, bowed to him in a manners of their ancient customs, praised him and prayed that he bless him with the prediction for tomorrow’s finale.

The Indian says, “Tomorrow no prediction. My Radio broke down please.”
*********

defective parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

**************

Thank You For Touching My life

Keep me as a friend and
I will keep you in my heart and lock it up.
I'll throw away the key
So that no one can take you away from me.

**************
BIRTH IS START OF LIFE
BEAUTY IS ART OF LIFE
LOVE IS PART OF LIFE
DEATH IS LAST OF LIFE
BUT
FRIEND IS HEART OF LIFE

**************
Thank you for touching my life
In ways you may never know.
My riches do not lie in material wealth
But in having friends
Like you a precious gift from God!

**************
Longest Love Is Mothers Love....
Shortest Love Is Others Love....
Sweetest Loves Is Lovers Love...
But Strongest Love Is Friends Love...
Like U & Me........

**************
True friends are rare to find.
True friends are always very kind.
True friends are ornaments so beautiful.
True friends always make us cheerful.
True friends are the work of perfection.
True friends give us right direction.
True friends always shine like moon.
True friends are the greatest boon.

**************

Sick a child and his mother

A child came crying to his mother and complained that he has severe stomach-ache. She told him, “It is because your belly is empty. Come and have some food.” The child obeyed.

The next day the mother had a heavy head ache.The child consoled her, saying innocently, “Mommy, it is because your head is empty!”

On another occasion, the curious child asked his mother, “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?” She tried to use this occasion to reform him. “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!” The child replied innocently, “Now I know why your mother has only grey hairs on her head.”

Hard & Fast Reply....

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea-captain.

'What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?'

'Throw out an anchor, sir.'

'What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?'

'Throw out another anchor, sir.'

'And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?'

'Throw out another anchor.'

'Hold on,' said the Captain, 'where are you getting all your anchors from?'

'From the same place you're getting your storms, sir.'

**********

Score Board

A couple has a male friend who's visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeps him from traveling.

Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning.

"Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we're all friends here."

The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right.

After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her.

Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant.

"We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me."

"Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair off of his butt. He won't even wake up."

So the friend yanks a hair off the husband's anus, and sure enough, she's right.

Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked out of his butt.

So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of the bed.

After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the bed, asking him to do it again.

The same argument follows, another hair is yanked from the husband's corn hole, and again they have sex.

This keeps up for about half the night, until after about the sixth time, when the wife goes back to her side.

Then the husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend, "I don't mind that you're shagging my wife, but do you really have to use my butthole as your scoreboard?"

God is in joking mood

A man was praying to god.

He said, "God?"

God responded, "Yes?"

And the Guy said, "Can I ask a question?"

"Go right ahead", God said.

"God, what is a million years to you?"

God said, "A million years to me is only a second."

The man wondered.

Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"

God said, "A million dollars to me is a penny."

So the man said, "God can I have a penny?"

And God cheerfully said,"Sure!....... just a second."

********

Pause and ponder

A man came out of his home to admire his new truck. To his puzzlement, his three-year-old son was happily hammering dents into the shiny paint.

The man ran to his son, knocked him away, hammered the little boy's hands into a pulp as punishment. When the father calmed down, he rushed his son to the hospital.

Although the doctor tried desperately to save the crushed bones, he finally had to amputate the fingers from both the boy's hands.

When the boy woke up from the surgery & saw his bandaged stubs, he innocently said, "Daddy, I'm sorry about your truck." Then he asked, "but when are my fingers going to grow back?"

The father went home and committed suicide.

Think about the story the next time you see someone spill milk at a dinner table or hear a baby crying. Think first before you lose your patience with someone u love.

Trucks can be repaired. Broken bones & hurt feelings often can't. Too often we fail to recognize the difference between the person and the performance. People make mistakes. We are allowed to make mistakes. But the actions we take while in a rage will haunt us forever.

********
Pause and ponder. Think before you act. Be patient. Understand and love.

********

Adam and God

After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her.

Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?

God: So you will always want to look at her.

Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?

God: So you will always want to touch her.

Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?

God: So you will always want to be near her.

Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?

God: So she would love you.

Coconut Water Facts

Here is some information about Coconut Water:

'It's a natural isotonic beverage, with the same level of electrolytic balance as we have in our blood. It's the fluid of life, so to speak.'

During the Pacific War of 1941-45, both sides in the conflict regularly used coconut water - siphoned directly from the nut - to give emergency plasma transfusions to wounded soldiers..

Most coconut water is still consumed fresh in tropical coastal areas - once exposed to air, the liquid rapidly loses most of its organoleptic and nutritional characteristics, and begins to ferment.

Coconut Water is More Nutritious than whole milk - Less fat and NO cholesterol!

Coconut Water is More Healthy than Orange Juice - Much lower calories

Coconut Water is Better than processed baby milk- It contains lauric acid, which is present in human mother's milk

Coconut water is naturally sterile -- Water permeates though the filtering husk!

Coconut water is a universal donor-- Its identical to human blood plasma

Coconut Water is a Natural Isotonic Beverage - The same level we have in our blood.

Coconut water has saved lives in 3rd world countries thru Coconut IV.

Coconut water is the very stuff of Nature, biologically Pure, full of Natural Sugars, Salts, and Vitamins to ward off fatigue... and is the next wave of energy drinks BUT natural!', according to Mortin Satin, Chief of the United Nation's Food & Agriculture Organization.

Coconut water contains more potassium (at about 294 mg) than most sports drinks (117 mg) and most energy drinks..

Coconut water has less sodium (25mg) where sports drinks have around 41mg and energy drinks have about 200mg!

Coconut water has 5mg of Natural Sugars where sports and energy drinks range from 10-25mg of Altered Sugars.

Coconut water is very high in Chloride at 118mg; compared to sports drinks at about 39mg.

Data is based on a 100ml drink

Wo yaro ki mehfil

Wo yaro ki mehfil, wo muskurate pal,
Dil se juda hai apna bita hua Kal,
Kabhi jindagi guzjarti thi Waqt bitane me,
Aaj waqt guzar jata hai chand kagaj ke note kamane me......

............ ......... ......... ......... ........
Koi hai Jo duaa karta hai,
Apno me Hume bhi gina karta hai,
Bahut khushnasib samjhte hai khud ko,
Door rah kar bhi koi yaad kiya karta hai...

............ ......... ......... ......... ........
Kyo Hume kisiki talash hoti hai,
Dilko kisiki aash hoti hai
Chand ko dekho, who bhi tanha hai,
Jubki uski chandni se roj mulakat hoti hai

............ ......... ......... ......... ........
Kanch ko chahat thi pather pane ki,
Ek pal me fir tut kar bikher Jane ki,
Chahat bas itni thi us diwane ki,
Apne hajar tukdo me uski hajar Tasveer sajane ki.

............ ......... ......... ......... ........

Darling

Husband [:D] arling, my sweet heart I will be enjoying this sunday

Wife: How

Husband: I bought three tickets for the movie

Wife: thats great, but we are two, why you bought three tickets ???

Husband: Darling one for you, one for your mother and one for your brother!!!!!!!!!!!! !!

Struggle a little- then fly

Once a biology class was going

on.. The teacher was teaching the class on how a butterfly comes

out of its cocoon... He brought a live cocoon to demonstrate a butterfly

coming out... Unfortunately he was called out on an urgent task before

the butterfly could come out... But before he went he warned the class that

on no condition should anyone help the butterfly to come out... He

went out and after some time the cocoon opened and the butterfly

started to come out...

One boy taking pity on the butterfly's struggle helped it

to come out... The sir returned and saw the butterfly and then asked the class...

Who helped the butterfly..

The boy raised his hand and confessed...

The sir said u did grave error in helping the butterfly...

In helping it u deprived the butterfly of it life's goal...

The initial struggle out of the cocoon should help the butterfly strengthen its wings...

now it will never fly...

We are also in some ways like this butterfly...

Now read on .....

Sometimes Struggles are exactly what we need in our life.

If we were to go through life without any obstacles,

It would cripple us.

We would not be as strong as we could have been

And we could never fly.

So next time you are faced with an obstacle,

A challenge, or a problem,

Struggle a little- then fly.

COMPUTER - NUCLEAR & COFFEE

Officers at a military installation in U.S. were being lectured about a new computer. The training officer said the computer was able to withstand nuclear and chemical attacks.

Suddenly, he saw that one of the officers had a cup of coffee and yelled, "There will be no eating or drinking in this room! You'll have to get rid of that coffee."

The officer said meekly, "Sure, but why?"

"Because a coffee spill could ruin the keyboard."

******

Kind lawyer

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"

The Cricket

A man and his friend were in a city, walking through the street. It was during the noon lunch hour and the streets were filled with people. Cars were honking their horns, taxicabs were squealing around corners, sirens were wailing, and the sounds of the city were almost deafening. Suddenly, the man said to his friend, "I hear a cricket."

His friend said, "What? You must be crazy. You couldn't possibly hear a cricket in all of this noise!"

"No, I'm sure of it," the man said, "I heard a cricket."

"That's crazy," said the friend.

The man listened carefully for a moment, and then walked across the street to a big cement planter where some shrubs were growing. He looked into the bushes, beneath the branches, and sure enough, he located a small cricket. His friend was utterly amazed. "That's incredible," said his friend. "You must have super-human ears!"

"No," said the man. "My ears are no different from yours. It all depends on what you're listening for."

"But that can't be!" said the friend. "I could never hear a cricket in this noise."

"Yes, it's true," came the reply. "It depends on what is really important to you. Here, let me show you."

He reached into his pocket, pulled out a few coins, and discreetly dropped them on the sidewalk. And then, with the noise of the crowded street still blaring in their ears, they noticed every head within twenty feet turn and look to see if the money that tinkled on the pavement was theirs.

"See what I mean?" asked the man.

"It all depends on what's important to you."

******

Presence of Mind

John works in a supermarket. A man came in and asked John for half a kilogram of butter. The boy told him they only sold 1 kg packets of butter, but the man was persistent. The boy said he'd go ask his manager what to do.

John walked into the back room and said, "There's a bloody fellow out there who wants to buy only half a kilo of butter."

As he finished saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him,

So he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager finished the deal and later said to John, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet, and I like it a lot.

Which place are you from?"

John replied, "I'm from Mexico, sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Mexico?" asked the manager.

John replied, "They're all just prostitutes and soccer players up there."

"My wife is from Mexico," the manager said.

John replied, "Which team did she play for?"

Junior

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit, She instructed her son to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site.

After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that there was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.

Women!!

She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap, and she slapped him again, for good measure.

People from the neighborhood rushed around to find out what the cause of the commotion was.

The woman asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called.

Junior said

"The subscriber you have dialed is not available at present. Please Try Again Later"...

management & engineers

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.

She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am", replied the man.

"How did you know?"

"Well, answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more."

The man below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going.You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems?!!"

BOTTOM LINE: just imagine the management guys who are basically engineers... no wonder!!!!!

*********

Swami Vivekananda - The Universal Man

Swami Vivekananda - The Universal Man

Rarely does humanity witness a combination of a great Guru (Spiritual Teacher) and equally capable Shishya (spiritual disciple) as Sri Ramakrishna and Swami Vivekananda were.

The Upanishads and the Gita do mention of such noble pairs, when a yearning aspirant seeking higher knowledge humbly bows down to the Teacher and says, 'Sir, please tell me: Which is that thing which having been known, all this becomes known, and nothing else remains to be known? Give me that, acquiring which all desires nullify. O gracious one, I surrender at your feet; please tell me what is right for me.'


And the compassionate Teacher describes the nature of Self or Atman, starting as external reality and culminating into the true knowledge of our inner Self.

As the Guru speaks, so does the aspirant (sadhaka) experience the Truth contained in those words. It is as if a film on Brahman is being run in front of the yearning aspirant.

One such pair flourished in the last but one decade of nineteenth century, when Sri Ramakrishna Paramahamsa sculpted the most wonderful masterpiece in the form of Swami Vivekananda out of skeptical and rational, but fearless and dynamic Narendranath.

Their association has unleashed a tremendous spiritual force that has started destroying dreary ignorance covering the minds and hearts of mankind all over the globe.

Then, scientific knowledge based on reason and rationality was ushering in the era of Industrial Revolution; however, it also brought skepticism and contempt for religion.

Science appeared to be partial and sectarian in its study of various phenomena, for it tried to leave religion out of its purview. As a result the majority of people started believing that the goal of life was material progress alone.

Religion was on the defensive in the face of clattering advances of modern technology. Decline in religion (Dharma Glani) manifested as ritualistic monotony, crass materialism, and excessive engagement insense pleasures with resultant lack of discrimination and renunciation.

Values of kindness and generosity, of forbearance and simplicity were relegated to the back seat. The priests and the rulers, the rich and the privileged became the custodians of religious truths.

Selfishness replaced altruism, and religious fanaticism erupted as a legitimate weapon to spread "true religion" and destroy "false beliefs".

Such states of decline in Dharma come in cycles. However, as the Gita says, a Man of God also comes on the scene to destroy wickedness and to reestablish the path of spirituality. These great seers and teachers come to'set in motion the wheel of dharma,' as did Lord Buddha 2500 years ago.

Such incarnations come from time to time, in every era, in every land, and help revive the noble path of transcendental realization as the source and proofof Knowledge and Truth. They give the sagging wheel of spirituality apowerful push for moving it again in right direction.

In recent times world faced such a situation when, to revive the declining faith in religion and to instill knowledge of the true goal of humankind, Swami Vivekananda entered the world arena as a great disciple of Sri Ramakrishna.

Swami Vivekananda revived Hinduism on the basis of the interpretations and meaning given to the philosophy of Vedanta by great Rishis at varioustime- periods of history. The externals of Hinduism appear to change from SriRama to Sri Krishna, from Sri Chaitannya to Sri Ramakrishna, but the core ofSanatana Dharma (Eternal Religion) remains the same.

Swami Vivekananda preached the essence of religion by way of finding newer insights in and application of Eternal Religion as per the requirement of modern times and global perspective.

He highlighted the truth of the 'divinity of each soul' and the constant struggle and evolution of an individual to manifest this divinity fully. Transcendental realization of our true nature, I.e. Pure consciousness, is what Hinduism (Vedanta) preaches right through the eternity.

This is the essential teaching mentioned and elaborated in the Upanishads, the Gita, and the Brahma-sutras. The attempt to realize this truth is the beginning of religion, and getting established in transcendental divine state is the aim of human birth.

Every person succeeding in this attempt is the basis and hope for fresh human endeavour and struggle for self-realization in future.

Wacky Definitions

School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.

Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.

Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be wise after death.

His and Her Diaries

1. HER DIARY

Saturday night I thought he was acting weird.

We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.

I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.

When we got home I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where Somewhere else.

I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.

I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.

I don't know what to do, I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.

2 - HIS DIARY

Today INDIA lost match. Bad Luck...

pink curtain

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman,

"I would like To buy a pair of pink curtains". The salesman assures her that they have a large election of pink curtains.

He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.

The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, "fifteen inches" "Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman.

"That sounds very small, what room are they for?" The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room; they are for her computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "but Miss, computers do not need curtains!"

The blonde says, "Hellllooooooooo ............ . I've got Windoooooows!"

fruit of labour

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial.

The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, 'I brought ten apples.' The king then explained the trial to him. 'You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten up.'

Two apples went in?.. But on the third one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1...2...3... 4...5...6. ..7...8.. . and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, 'Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?'

The second one replied, 'I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.'

*********

Honest answer

Honestly, we will have these answers in our mind ... But we give different, tailored and suitable answers to the guy !

1. Why did you apply for this job?
I have applied for many jobs along with this and you called me now.

2. Why do you want to work for this company?
I have to work for some company who ever gives me a job, I don't have any specific company in mind.

3. Why should I hire you?
You have to hire some one, you may give me a try.

4. What would you do if this happened?
Well, it depends my Mindset and mood at that situation...

5. What is your biggest strength?
Basically, daring to join any company who pays me well, without thinking of the fate of company

6. What is your biggest weakness?
Girls

7. What was your worst mistake, and how did you learn from it?
Joining my earlier company and learnt that I need to jump to get more money, so I am here today

8. What accomplishments in your last position are you most proud of?
Had I accomplished any in my last position, why do I need to change my job? I could demand more and stay there.

9. Describe a challenge you faced and how you overcame it?
Biggest challenge is answering the question "why are you looking for a change" and I started blabbering irrelevantly to overcome that.



10. Why did you leave/ are you leaving your last job?
For the same reason why you left your earlier job

11. What do you want from this job?
If no work is given but keep giving good hikes

12. What are your career goals and how do you plan to achieve them?
Make more money and for that keep jumping companies for every 2 yrs

13. Did you hear of our company and what do you know of us?
Yeah, I know that you will ask this, I've gone through your website

14. What is the salary expected and how do justify that?
Well, no one will change job for the same salary, hence, give me 20% extra than what I am getting and that is unpublished industry standard

(I know you will bargain on what ever I ask, hence, I have already hiked my current salary by 30%)

*******

Ye ishq nahi aasa......

Who Bole .....

Ye ishq nahi aasa, Itna to samajh lejiye...

Ek Aag ka dariya hai, aur doob ke jaana hai ....

************ *****
Maine kaha...

Masoom is mohabbat ka bus itna as fasana hai..

Kagaj ki haveli hai, baarish ka zamaana hai..

Kya shart-e-mohabbat hai, kya shart-e-zamana hai..

Awaz bhi jakhmi hai aur wo geet bhi gana hai..

Uss per utrne ki umeed bahut kam hai..

Kashti bhi puraani hai, tufaan bhi aana hai..

Samajhe ya na samjhe wo andaaz-e-mohabbat ka..

Bheegi hui ankho se ek sher sunaana hai..

Bholi is Ada, koi fir ishq ki jid par hai..

Fir aag ka dariya hai.. Aur doob hi jana hai ...

************ ******

I can't hear you !

Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him.

Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings.

The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings. So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.

The priest then asked him again, "Charlie, did you take any of the offering?" This time, Charlie replied, "I can't hear you."

The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, "I can't hear you."

Finally, the priest yelled, "CHARLIE, DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?"

Again, the reply was, "I can't hear you."

The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, "Trade places with me and you can ask me a question."

So, they traded places and Charlie asked, "Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?"

To which the priest replied, "By golly, you’re right, you can't hear in here!"

*******

Are You Ready to Have Children

How To Know Whether You Are Ready to Have Children
Mess Test:

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

*******
Toy Test:

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you maysubstitute roofing tacks) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)

*******
Grocery Store Test:

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

*******
Dressing Test:

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag, making sure that all arms stay inside.

*******
Feeding Test:

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

*******
Night Test:

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10: 00PM.Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

*******
Physical Test (Women):

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

*******
Physical Test (Men):

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

*******
Final Assignment:

Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers. "

*******

Family Problem

Once two men sat in a bar drinking.

The first one said to the other ,"I have a hell lot of family problems."

The second one said ,"I'll tell you mine.

I married a widow having a young daughter.

My father married my daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.

My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.

More problems occurred when I had a son.

My son is my father's brother and so he my uncle.

Situations turned worse when my father had a son.

Now my father's son I.e. My brother is my grandson.

Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.

And you say you have family problems".

**********

The Four Cats !

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were .

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat,

"T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said,

"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies ............ Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said

"Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said.....

"Coffee Break.....do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet........ ...

Ate the cookies..... ......... .

Drank the milk........ ......

Sh*t on the paper....... ......... ....

Screwed the other three cats........ ......... ....

Claimed he injured his back while doing so.......... ........

Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.. .......

Put in for Workers Compensation. ......... .....and

Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave....... ......!!! !!!!!!!

**********

Snacks of Humor

[1] You can become an engineer if you go to an Engineering college,
But don't expect to be a President going to the Presidency College!

*******
[2] Expect a BUS at a BUS Stop, but Don't expect a FOOL at FULLSTOP(.)

*******

[3] A Mechanical engineer becomes a mechanic
Then why not a software engineer become a software?

*******
[4] Find keys in a Key board
But do not expect a mother in mother board.

*******
[5] Study anything you want and get a certificate in subject of your studies
But don’t expect a death certificate studying "Dying and Death."

*******

Little girl with Grandpa

A grandfather and granddaughter were sitting and talking when the young girl asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"

"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?" "Yes, He did," the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.

At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said,

"God's doing a lot better job lately."

*********

Living One Day At A Time

Our lives are made up of a million moments, spent in a million different ways. Some are spent searching for love, peace, and harmony. Others are spent surviving day by day.

But there is no greater moment than when we find that life, with all it's joys and sorrows, is meant to be lived one day at a time. It's in this knowledge that we discover the most wonderful truth of all.

Whether we live in a forty-room mansion, surrounded by servants and wealth, or find it a struggle to manage the rent month to month, we have it within our power to be fully satisfied and live a life with true meaning.

One day at a time - we have the abilty, through cherishing each moment and rejoicing in each dream. We can experience each day a new and with this fresh start we have what it takes to make all our dreams come true.

Each day is new, and living one day at a time enables us to truly enjoy life and live it to the fullest.

North Indian Wife Vs South Indian Wife

*** WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE A North Indian GIRL as WIFE ***

1. At the time of marriage, a north Indian girl has more boyfriends than her age.

2. Before marriage, she looks almost like a bollywood heroine and after marriage you have to go around her twice to completely hug her.

3. By the time she professes her undevoted love to you, you are bankrupt because of the number of times you had to take her out to movies, theatres and restaurants. And you wait longingly for her dowry.

4. The only dishes she can think of to cook is paneer butter masala, aloo sabji, aloo Gobi sabji, aloo matar, aloo paneer, that after eating all those paneer and aloos you are either in the bed with chronic cholestrol or chronic gas disorder.

5. The only growth that you see later in your career is the rise in your monthly phone bill.

6. You are blinded by her love that you think that she is a blonde. Only later do you come to know that it is because of the mehandhi that she applies to cover her grey hair.

7. When you come home from office she is very busy watching "Kyonki saas bhi kabi bahu thi" that you either end up eating outside or cooking yourself.

8. You are a very "ESpecial" person to her.

9. She always thought that Madras is a state and covers the whole of south India until she met you.

10. When she says she is going to "work out" she means she is going to " walk out"

11. She has greater number of relatives than the number of people you have in your home town.

12. The only two sentences in English that she knows are "Thank you" and "How are you"


*** WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE A South Indian GIRL as WIFE ***

1.Her mother looks down at you because you didn't study in IIT or Madras / Anna University .

2. Her father starts or ends every conversation with " ... I say..."

3. She shudders if you use four letter words.

4. She has long hair, neatly oiled and braided (The Dubai based Oil Well Company will negotiate with her on a 25 year contract to extract coconut oil from her hair.)

5. She uses the word 'Super' as her only superlative.

6. Her name is another name for a Goddess or a flower.

7. Her first name is longer than your first name, middle name and surname combined (unless you are from Andhra)

8. When she mixes milk/curd and rice you are never sure whether it is for the dog or for herself.

9. For weddings, she sports a mini jasmine garden on her head and wears silk saris in the Madras heat without looking too uncomfortable while you are melting in your singlet.

10. Her favourite cricketer is Krishnamachari Srikkanth.

11. Her favourite food is dosa though she has tried North Indian snacks like Chats (pronounced like the slang for 'conversation')

12. She bores you by telling you which raaga each song you hear is based on.

13. You have to give her jewellery, though she has already got plenty of it ..

14. Her Mangal Sutra weighs more than the championship belts worn by WWF wrestlers.

15. Her father thinks she is much smarter than you.

THANKS AND GRATITUDE

Every day should be a good day and you should live it like it's your last. Some people live a life of anger, frustration, pain, jealousy, and/or dishonesty, but all of these things will come to pass when your time here is over. Just take a moment to think, we will not be on this earth forever.One day, we will not have to worry about going to work or how we will make our car payment.

We will not have to worry where our next meal will come from, or how we can buy that beautiful house. At anytime, God could take us off of this earth, so you should appreciate today and not worry about tomorrow, for nobody knows what tomorrow will bring. When you wake up each morning, thank the Lord for waking you up.

When you lie down to sleep at night, thank the Lord for another day. If you have a job, thank the Lord for your place of employment. Ask that He May bless you in everything that you do. Ask Him to give you the knowledge and the wisdom to do your job. If you don't have a job, thank Him anyway. Ask him to direct you to the job that is right for you.

When you are eating breakfast, lunch or dinner, say a prayer. Thank the Lord for providing food and nourishment to your body. If you are healthy, thank the Lord for the health and strength in your body. If you aren't, thank Him anyway for life, and ask Him to heal your body. So the next time that you get mad, think twice.

The next time you complain about something at your job, think twice. The next time you say you wish you had steak instead of chicken, think twice. Be thankful for what you have, and the life that God has given you. Pray and ask the Lord for guidance. Be sincere, as God knows whether or not we mean it from the heart. Help those in need as a gift from your heart, and not so you can get a pat on the back.

Put forth the extra effort in everything that you do. Go after what you want in life, and do whatever it takes to achieve your goals. No matter how perfect you think you are, there is always room for improvement, and an opportunity for you to do better. If you are depressed, don't cry just hold your head up and the Lord will help you through.

Pray and ask the Lord to deliver you from your state of depression. Whatever it is that you are depressed about, God will take that pain from your heart. It may not be at that moment, or that next hour, or maybe not even the next day, but He WILL do it if you just believe in Him.

God may not show up when YOU want Him to, but He's ALWAYS right in time. God will not give us more than we can bear. Sometimes He will present us with issues that will test our faith, but you have to be strong enough to believe that God will do exactly what He says. The message for today is to praise the Lord, have faith in the Lord, give thanks to the Lord, and live every day like it is your last.

Theoretically speaking, if the Lord never does anything else for us, other than wake us up each day, put food in our mouths and clothes on our backs, we should thank Him anyway. He died so that we could have life on this earth. Please keep this message flowing and send it to your loved ones and friends.

Sue Divine - Treat the earth well.....it was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you by your children. We do not inherit the earth from our ANCESTORS, we borrow it from our children.

Ant and the grasshopper

Ant and the grasshopper (Reality of INDIA under any rule)

An Old Story:
==========
The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The Grasshopper thinks the Ant is a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away.

Come winter, the Ant is warm and well fed. The Grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

Indian Version:
===========
The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The Grasshopper thinks the Ant's a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering Grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the Ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

NDTV, BBC, CNN show up to provide pictures of the shivering Grasshopper next to a video of the Ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

The World is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that this poor Grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Arundhati Roy stages a demonstration in front of the Ant's house.

Medha Patkar goes on a fast along with other Grasshoppers demanding that Grasshoppers be relocated to warmer climates during winter .

Mayawati states this as `injustice' done on Minorities.

Amnesty International and Koffi Annan criticize the Indian Government for not upholding the fundamental rights of the Grasshopper.

The Internet is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the Grasshopper (many promising Heaven and Everlasting Peace for prompt support as against the wrath of God for non-compliance) .

Opposition MPs stage a walkout. Left parties call for ' Bengal Bandh' in West Bengal and Kerala demanding a Judicial Enquiry.

CPM in Kerala immediately passes a law preventing Ants from working hard in the heat so as to bring about equality of poverty among Ants and Grasshoppers.

Lalu Prasad allocates one free coach to Grasshoppers on all Indian Railway Trains, aptly named as the 'Grasshopper Rath'.

Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the ' Prevention of Terrorism Against Grasshoppers Act' [POTAGA], with effect from the beginning of the winter.

Arjun Singh makes 'Special Reservation ' for Grasshoppers in Educational Institutions & in Government Services.

The Ant is fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes,it's home is confiscated by the Government and handed over to the Grasshopper in a ceremony covered by NDTV.

Arundhati Roy calls it ' A Triumph of Justice'.

Lalu calls it 'Socialistic Justice '.

CPM calls it the ' Revolutionary Resurgence of the Downtrodden '

Koffi Annan invites the Grasshopper to address the UN General Assembly.

Many years later.....

The Ant has since migrated to the US and set up a multi-billion dollar company in Silicon Valley,

100s of Grasshoppers still die of starvation despite reservation somewhere in India ,

...AND

As a result of loosing lot of hard working Ants and feeding the grasshoppers,
.
.
.
.
India is still a developing country !!!

India's integrity in diversity

Bengali

One Bengali = poet.
Two engalis = a film society.
Three Bengalis = political party.
Four Bengalis = two political parties.
More than four Bengali's = Countrywide agitation to bring Ganguli into Team.

******
Bihari

One Bihari = Laloo Prasad Yadav.
Two Biharis = booth-capturing squad.
Three Biharis = caste killing.
Four Biharis = entire literate population of Patna.

******
Mallu

One Mallu = coconut stall.
Two Mallus = a boat race.
Three Mallus = Gulf job racket.
Four Mallus = oil slick.

******
UP Bhaiyya

One UP bhaiyya = a milkman.
Two UP bhaiyyas = halwai shop.
Three UP bhaiyyas = a fist-fight in the UP assembly.
Four UP bhaiyyas = mosque-destruction squad.

******
Gujju

One Gujju = share-broker in a Bombaytrain.
Two Gujjus = rummy game in a Bombaytrain.
Three Gujjus = Bombay's noisiest restaurant.
Four Gujjus = stock market scam.

******
Andhraite

One Andhraite = chili farmer.
Two Andhraites = software company in New Jersey.
Three Andhraites = Naxalite outfit.
Four Andhraites = song-and-dance number in a Telugu movie.

******
Kashmiri

One Kashmiri = carpet salesman.
Two Kashmiris = carpet factory.
Three Kashmiris = terrorist outfit.
Four Kashmiris = shoot-at-sight order.

******
Tamil-Brahmin

One Tam-Brahm = priest at the Vardarajaperumal temple.
Two Tam-Brahms = Maths tuition class.
Three Tam-Brahms = Queue outside the U.S consulate at 4 a.m.
Four Tam-Brahms = Thyagaraja music festival in Santa Clara.

******
Mumbaikar

One Mumbaikar = footpath vada-pav stall.
Two Mumbaikars = film studio.
Three Mumbaikars = slum.
Four Mumbaikars = The number of people standing on your foot in the train at rush hour.

******
Sindhi

One Sindhi = currency racket.
Two Sindhis = papad factory.
Three Sindhis = duplicate goods shop in Ulhasnagar.
Four Sindhis = Hong Kong Retail Traders Association.

******
Marwari

One Marwari = The neighbourhood foodstuff adulterator.
Two Marwaris = 50% of Calcutta.
Three Marwaris = Finish off all Gujaratis & Sindhis.
Four Marwaris = Threaten the Jews as a community.

******
Haryanvi

One Haryanavi = tube light
Two Haryanavi = agriculture
Three Haryannavi= Lathi squad
Four Haryanavi = actually just one was enough

******

Hope this makes u smile

EVER WONDER where we are headed...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why you don't ever see the headline: "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Why Doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why the man who invests all your money is called a "Broker"?
Why there isn't mouse flavoured cat food?
Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavour?

Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box?
Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

AND... In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Myer hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping". - (Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. - Details inside. (The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap". - (And that would be how???)

On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost". - (But, it's just a suggestion).

On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down". -(Well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating". -(And you thought????. ..)

On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body". -(But wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication". - (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness". - (And...I'm taking this because???)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only". - (As opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use". - (Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts". - (Talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts". - (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one:

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".

On a Swedish Chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals".

(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

*******

The Beautiful and a Bungler

This morning on the freeway to work,
I looked over to my left and there was
a beautiful Woman
in a brand new Cadillac
doing 65 mph
with her Face up next to her rear view mirror
putting on her eyeliner.

I looked just away
for a couple seconds!
And when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane
with flashing signal,
still working on that makeup.

As a man,
I don't scare that easy.
But she scared the hell out of me
that I dropped my electric shaver,
which knocked
the breakfast of donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying
to straighten out the car
using my knees against
the steering wheel, it knocked
my cell phone
away from my ear which fell
into the coffee
between my legs,
splashed, and burned
my pride big Jim and the twins balls,
ruined the damn phone, soaked my pants,
and disconnected an important business call.

******

If Women Ruled The World

PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.

Men would get reputations for sleeping around.

Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.

A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.

Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.

Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.

"Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.

Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.

Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit..

Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks"

Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women made.

Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.

Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.

Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry", "I love you", "You're beautiful", "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit."

Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.

Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.

Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.

All toilet seats would be nailed down.

Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.

TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.

All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator

During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year olds.

Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.

After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.

For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year olds for six weeks.

For Hard workers Only..

A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door.

SON: "Daddy, may I ask you a question?"
DAD: "Yeah sure, what is it?" replied the man.
SON: "Daddy, how much do you make an hour?"
DAD: "That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?" the man said angrily.
SON: "I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?"
DAD: "If you must know, I make Rs.100 an hour."

"Oh," the little boy replied, with his head down.Looking up, he said, "Daddy, may I please borrow Rs.50?"

The father was furious, "If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I work hard everyday for such this childish behavior."

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door. The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?

After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think: Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that Rs.50 and he really didn't ask for money very often. The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door.

"Are you asleep, son?" He asked.

No daddy, I'm awake," replied the boy.

"I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier," said the man.

"It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the Rs.50 you asked for." The little boy sat straight up, smiling. "Oh, thank you daddy!" He yelled.

Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills. The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.

"Why do you want more money if you already have some?" the father grumbled.

"Because I didn't have enough, but now I do," the little boy replied.

"Daddy, I have Rs.100 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you."

Share this story with someone you like....

But even better, share Rs.100 worth of time with someone you love. It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close ! To our hearts.

*******

Conversations

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.

********
Samsung Electronics

Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'Onpage 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need tounplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jackbefore cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.

********
RAC Motoring Services

Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'

********
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

********
Directory Enquiries

Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.

********
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.

********
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.

********
Tech Support: 'I need you to rightclick on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a popup menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. RightClick again. Do you see a popup menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.

********
Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'

Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'

********
Caller: 'Ideleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that Ineed it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my fileback again?'.

********

There'salways one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a longtime.. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is atrue story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from arecording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say theHelp Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing theWord Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations! ):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'

Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect. '

Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'

Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'

Operator: 'Went away?'

Caller: 'They disappeared. '

Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'

Caller: 'Nothing.'

Operator: 'Nothing??'

Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'

Caller: 'How do I tell?'

Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'

Caller: 'What's a seaprompt?'

Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'

Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'

Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'

Caller: 'What's a monitor?'

Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does ithave a little light that tells you when it's on??'

Caller: 'I don't know.'

Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'

Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'

Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: 'Yes, it is.'

Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were twocables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'

Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'

Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'

Caller: 'I can't reach.'

Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'

Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle it's because it's dark.'

Operator: 'Dark??'

Caller: 'Yes the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'

Caller: 'I can't.'

Operator: 'No? Why not??'

Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'

Operator: 'A power....... .. A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.

Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'

Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'

Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like itwas when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'

Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'

Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'

Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'

Operator: 'Tell them you're too f ing stupid to own a computer!!!! !

********

The Parable Of The Spoons

A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said, "Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like. "The Lord led the holy man to two doors.

He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in. In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew which smelled delicious and made the holy man's mouth water.

The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful, but because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths. The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering.

The Lord said, "You have seen Hell."

They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one. There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth water. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking. The holy man said, "I don't understand."

It is simple" said the Lord, "it requires but one skill. You see, they have learned to feed each other. While the greedy think only of themselves.

******

Friendship Quotes

It is indeed an achievement not to make 100 friends but to keep 1 friend for 100 years.
~ Unknown

But if the while I think on thee, dear friend,. All losses are restored and sorrows end.
~ William Shakespeare

You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
~ Dale Carnegie

All love that has not friendship for its base, Is like a mansion built upon the sand.
~ Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Friends are born, not made.
~ Henry Adams

In the rhythm of Life, we sometime find ourselves out of tune, But as long as there are friends to provide the melody, The music plays on.
~ Anonymous

Count your life by smiles not tears, count your age by friends not years.
~ Unknown

Count your life by smiles not tears, count your age by friends not years.
~ Unknown

In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

What is a friend? I will tell you...it is someone with whom you dare to be yourself. ~ Frank Crane

40 Funny Quotes and Thoughts

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper."

"If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark."

"Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf."

"An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing."

"Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do?Turn out the lights!"

"I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier."

"The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things."

"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."

"When your dreams turn to dust, it's time to vacuum."

"Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. "

"It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week."

"Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills. Making the last car payment."

"They've finally come up with the perfect office computer.If it makes a mistake,it blames another computer."

"Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak."

"The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.But not in that order"

"When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half."

"Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children."

"Compatible Your money fits in the salesperson's wallet."

"When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?".If the bus came would I be standing here?"

"Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use."

"There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side."

"Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times."

"Doing nothing is very hard to do, you never know when you're finished. "

"Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference."

"Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. "

"We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our butt then things get worse."

"It's always darkest before dawn So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. "

"The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office"

"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."

"The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot; The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius. "

"If our constitution allows us free speech, why are there phone bills?"

"You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark? "

"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."

"If you can't convince them, confuse them."

"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."

*******