Wife from Hell

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.”The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?”

The wife smiles demurely and says, “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.”As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Darn it, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”

The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.”The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”

The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??”

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”

U'll love this part....

'Only when he's been drinking.'

Funny Quotes.

Practice makes a man perfect... - But nobody's perfect...... So why practice?

Money is not everything. - There's MasterCard & Visa.

One should love animals. - They are so tasty.

Save water. - Shower with your girl friend.

Love thy neighbour. - But don't get caught.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

Every man should marry. - After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

The wise never marry - And when they marry they become otherwise.

Success is a relative term. - It brings so many relatives.

Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.

Love is photogenic - It needs darkness to develop

Children in backseats cause accidents - Accidents in backseats cause children

"Your future depends on your dreams" - So go to sleep

There should be a better way to start a day - Than waking up every morning

"Hard work never killed anybody" - But why take the risk !

"Work fascinates me" - I can look at it for hours!

God made relatives; - Thank God we can choose our friends.

When two's company, - three's the result!

The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know - So... Why learn.

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.... What more can I say........

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Bachelors Quotes

Every man should get married some time; after all,happiness is not the only thing in life !!
--Anonymous

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Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.
--Oscar Wilde

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Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
--Scottish Proverb

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I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
--Sam Kinison

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Men have a better time than women; for one thing,
They marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.
--H. L. Mencken

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When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

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Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

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When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
You can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back to home always.
--Anonymous

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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said,"Somewhere I h! Ave never been!" I told her,
"How about the kitchen?"
--Anonymous

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We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

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My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.
--Anonymous

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She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
--Anonymous

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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in."
--Anonymous

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Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses to get to married.
He says "the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs....."
--Anonymous

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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course...
At least he'll shut up after u let him in!
--Anonymous

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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said,

"Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain in is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied "My wife's first husband."

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A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a coin .

The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled " It really works ! "

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Softwarism!! ( IT Humor )

Gandhism:

You have two cows. But you drink goat's milk.

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Indiraism:

You have two bulls. You adamantly consider them as cows.

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Lalooism:

You have two cows. You buy Rs. 900 Crore worth of cattlefeed for them.

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Rajnikantism:

You have two cows. You throw them into air and catch their milk in your mouth.

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Rajivism:

You have two cows. You paint them both to get colourful milk.

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Softwarism:(Ultimate....):

Client has 2 cows and u need to milk them

1 . First prepare a document when to milk them (Project kick off)

2 . Prepare a document how long you have to milk them (Project plan)

3 . Then prepare how to milk them (Design)

4 . Then prepare what other accessories are needed to milk them (Framework)

5 . Then prepare a 2 dummy cows (sort of toy cows) and show to client the way in which u will milk them (UI Mockups & POC)

6 . If client is not satisfied then redo from step 2

7 . You actually start milking them and find that there are few problem with accessories. (Change framework)

8 . Redo step 4

9 . At last milk them and send it to onsite. (Coding over)

10. Make sure that cow milks properly ( Testing)

11. Onsite reports that it is not milking there.

12. You break your head and find that onsite is trying to milk from bulls

13. At last onsite milk them and send to client (Testing)

14. Client says the quality of milk is not good. (User Acceptance Test)

15. Offsite then slogs and improves the quality of milk

16. Now the client says that the quality is good but its milking at slow rate (performance issue)

17. Again you slog and send it with good performance.

18. Client is happy???

By this time both the COWs aged and cant milk. (The software got old and get ready for next release repeat from step 1) !!!!!

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TO MY FRIENDS WHO ARE...

TO MY FRIENDS WHO ARE...SINGLE

-Love is like a butterfly...

The more you chase it, the more it eludes you

But if you just let it fly...

It will come back to you when you least expect it

Love can make you happy...but often it hurts

Love is only special when you give it to someone who is really worth it

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TO MY FRIENDS WHO ARE...NOT SO SINGLE

-Love isn't about becoming somebody else's "perfect person"

Its about finding someone who helps you...

Become the best person you can be

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TO MY FRIENDS WHO ARE...ENGAGED

-The true measure of compatibility...

Is not the years spent together

But how good you are for each other

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TO MY FRIENDS WHO ARE...MARRIED

-Love is not about..."its your fault"...but..."I'm sorry"

Not..."where are you"...but..."I'm right here for you"

Not..."how could you"...but..."I understand"

Not..."I wish you were"...but...I'm thankful you are"

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TO MY FRIENDS WHO ARE...HEARTBROKEN

-Heartbreaks last as long as you want...

And cut as deep as you allow them to go

The challenge is not how to survive heartbreaks...

But to learn from them

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The paradox of our time in history is that........

We have taller buildings, but shorter tempers

Wider freeways, but narrow view points

We spend more, but have less

We buy more, but enjoy less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families

More conveniences, but less time

We have more degrees, but less sense

More knowledge, but less judgment.

More experts, less solutions

More medicine, but less wellness.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values

We talk too much, love too seldom and hate too.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life

We've added years to life, not life to years.

Just Think About It........

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The Silversmith Story

One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver." She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined.

The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?"

He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it"

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.

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Pass this on right now. This very moment, someone needs to know that God is watching over them.

And, whatever they're going through, they'll be a better person in the end.

"Life is a coin. You can spend it anyway you wish, but you can only spend it once."

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Difference

TWO WOMEN TALKING:

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Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine.

Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

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NOW TWO MEN TALKING

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Man 1: Haircut?


Man 2: Yeah.

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Simple Solutions

The Difference between FOCUSING on PROBLEMS and FOCUSING on SOLUTIONS

Case # 1 : When NASA began the launch of astronauts into space, they found out that the pens would not work at zero gravity (ink will not flow down to the writing surface).

Solution # 1 : To solve this problem, it took them one decade and $12 million. They developed a pen that worked at zero gravity, upside down, underwater, in practically any surface including crystal and in a temperature range from below freezing to over 300 degrees C.

Solution # 2 : And what did the Russians do...?? They used a pencil.

Case # 2 : One of the most memorable case studies on Japanese management was the case of the empty soapbox, which happened in one of Japan 's biggest cosmetics companies. The company received a complaint that a consumer had bought a soapbox that was empty.

Immediately the authorities isolated the problem to the assembly Line, which transported all the packaged boxes of soap to the delivery department. For some reason, one soapbox went through the assembly line empty.

Management asked its engineers to solve the problem.

Solution # 1 : Post-haste, the engineers worked hard to devise an X-ray machine with high-resolution monitors manned by two people to watch all the soapboxes that passed through the line to make sure they were not empty. No doubt, they worked hard and they worked fast but they spent a whoopee amount to do so.

Solution # 2 : But when a rank-and-file employee in a small company was posed with the same problem, he did not get into complications of X-rays, etc., but instead came out with another solution.

He bought a strong industrial electric fan and pointed it at the assembly line. He switched the fan on, and as each soapbox passed the fan, it simply blew the empty boxes out of the line.

Moral
· Always look for simple solutions.
· Devise the simplest possible solution that solves the problems.
· Always focus on solutions & not on problems

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Lessons in Logic ...

If your father is a poor man, It is your fate but,
If your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.

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I was born intelligent - Education ruined me.

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Practice makes perfect..... But nobody's perfect...... So why practice?

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If it's true that we are here to help others, Then what exactly are the others here for?

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Since light travels faster than sound, People appear bright until you hear them speak.

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How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

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Money is not everything. There's Mastercard & Visa.

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One should love animals. They are so tasty.

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Behind every successful man, there is a woman And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

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Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in Life.

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The wise never marry. And when they marry they become otherwise.

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Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

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Never put off the work till tomorrow What you can put off today.

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"Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep

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There should be a better way to start a day Than waking up every morning

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"Hard work never killed anybody" But why take the risk

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"Work fascinates me" I can look at it for hours

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God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends.

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The more you learn, the more you know, The more you know, the more you forget The more you forget, the less you know So.. Why learn.

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A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station....
What more can I say........

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Love Life & Indian Advertisement Line

Want to propose a girl
Just do it - Nike

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Before going to propose to a girl
Believe in the best - BPL.

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If you are hesitating before proposing to a girl
Vicks ki goli lo kich kich door karo -

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If you are going to propose to a girl
Chances are 50-50 - Britannia.

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If a girl slapped you when you proposed to her
Take it easy - Limca.

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Girl says NO !
Jor ka jhatka dhire se lage - Mirinda.

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Those who succeed in love always say
We dream because we do - Daewoo.

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If some one wants to write a love letter to his girlfriend
Likho script apna apna.- Rotomac.

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If you love someone
Go get it - Visa power.

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Boy riding a bike with neighbor's girl
Neighbors envy owner's pride - Onida.

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Not satisfied with your date
Yeh dil mangey more - Pepsi.

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A guy having a number of girl friends
The Complete Man - Raymonds.

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A smart girl having a number of boyfriends
Yeh hai hamara suraksha chakra - Colgate.

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For those lost in love
Har shaam ka sathi main aur mera - Bagpiper Whisky.

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For a guy 'r gal who hasn't yet found one
Dhoondte rehe jayo GE - Surf Excel

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Men are better friends

Women:

A wife was not at home for a whole night. So, the next morning, she tells her husband that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment overnight.
The husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends and none of them confirm that.

Men:

A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment overnight.
So the wife calls 10 of his best friends: 5 of them confirmed that he stayed at their apartments that night, and the other 5 are claiming that he still is there with them!

Conclusion : Men are better friends

Funny Thoughts On Exercise

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

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My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

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The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

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I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

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The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

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I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

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If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

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ARE YOU OVER 50?

Subject: PERKS OF BEING OVER 50

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9pm and ask, " Did I wake you ????"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience. Forward this to every one you can remember

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