Quote of the Day

How guys select the girl

How guys select the girl they want to marry

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry.

He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, purchases new make-up and buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the man.

She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man is impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.

She gets him a new set of STRONG golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market.

She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.

She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money.

Guess which lady he chose to marry?

Think like a man . . .

(scroll down for the answer)

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He married the most beautiful one!!!!!!

Men are Men.... Obviously!!! :)

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Wife from Hell

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.”The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?”

The wife smiles demurely and says, “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.”As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Darn it, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”

The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.”The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”

The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??”

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”

U'll love this part....

'Only when he's been drinking.'

It could have been worse

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.''

His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.

So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''

And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''

Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''

Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''

Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''

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Types of Farts

Types of Farts! Eeww digusting

ARROGANT FART= When you think your farts don't stink.

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ASSUALT FART= A sudden attack that shoots virtual flames out your arse.

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TIRE FART= You can't control the blow out.

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JAIL FART= Been doing time inside you for quite awhile, and finally makes its great escape.

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DONKEY FART= Your ass is the only one that can do it.

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GHOST FART= You can't hear it, you can't see it, and you can't smell it.

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HOME ALONE FART= When you're home alone and a great one is wasted on no one.

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SHOE FART= When you bend over to tie your shoe laces and one escapes.

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TANK FART= When you refer to your farts as 'gas'.

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OLD FART= You know how old it is by how bad it smells.

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ALZHEIMER FART= A confused fart that heads the wrong way, and becomes a burp.

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NOT-ME FART= When you drop a bomb in a crowded elevator, turn around to the person behind you and give a disgusted look and whisper "PIG!"

How To Be A Friend

01. Don't worry about knowing people just make yourself worth knowing.

02. Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer.

03. If you can buy a person's friendship, it is not worth it.

04. True friends have hearts that beat as one.

05. If you cannot think of any nice things to say about your friends, then you have the wrong friends.

06. Make friends before you need them.

07. If you were another person, would you like to be a friend of yours?

08. A good friend is one who neither looks down on you nor keeps up with you.

09. Be friendly with the folks you know… if it weren't for them you would be a total stranger.

10. A friend is never known till he is needed.

11. Friendship is a responsibility...not an opportunity.

12. Friendship is the cement that holds the world together.

13. Friends are those who speak to you after others don't.

14. The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail and not his tongue.

15. Pick your friends, but not to pieces.

16. A friend is one who puts his finger on a fault without rubbing it in.

17. The way to have friends is to be willing to lose some arguments.

18. If a friend makes a mistake, don't rub it in... Rub it out.

19. Deal with other's faults as gently as if they were your own.

20. People are judged by the company they keep and the company they keep away from.

21. A friend is a person who can step on your toes without messing up your shine.

22. The best mirror is an old friend.

23. The best possession one may have is a true friend.

24. Make friendship a habit and you will always have friends.

25. You will never have a friend if you must have one without faults.

26. Doing nothing for your friends results in having no friends to do for.

27. Anyone can give advice, but a real friend will lend a helping hand.

28. You can make more friends by being interested in them than trying to have them be interested in you.

29. A real friend is a person who, when you've made a fool of yourself, lets you forget it.

30. A friend is a person who listens attentively while you say nothing.

31. You can buy friendship with friendship, but never with dollars.

32. True friends are like diamonds, precious but rare; false friends are like autumn leaves, found everywhere.

33. A friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg even though you're slightly cracked.

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Funny Quotes.

Practice makes a man perfect... - But nobody's perfect...... So why practice?

Money is not everything. - There's MasterCard & Visa.

One should love animals. - They are so tasty.

Save water. - Shower with your girl friend.

Love thy neighbour. - But don't get caught.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

Every man should marry. - After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

The wise never marry - And when they marry they become otherwise.

Success is a relative term. - It brings so many relatives.

Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.

Love is photogenic - It needs darkness to develop

Children in backseats cause accidents - Accidents in backseats cause children

"Your future depends on your dreams" - So go to sleep

There should be a better way to start a day - Than waking up every morning

"Hard work never killed anybody" - But why take the risk !

"Work fascinates me" - I can look at it for hours!

God made relatives; - Thank God we can choose our friends.

When two's company, - three's the result!

The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know - So... Why learn.

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.... What more can I say........

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Thoughts to think about

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

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Gardening Rule:
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it.
If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

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The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

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Never take life seriously.
Nobody gets out alive anyway.

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There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.

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Life is sexually transmitted.

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An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

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If quitters never win, and winners never quit,
Then who is the fool who said : "Quit while you're ahead?"

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The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

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Always get the last word in: Apologize.

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Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; Teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

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Some people are like Slinkies . . Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

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Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

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Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

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All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

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Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

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Fulo ki tarah

Fulo ki tarah hansti raho,
Kaliyo ki tarah muskurati raho,
Khuda se mangta hu itna ki Tum mujhe hamesa yad aati raho.

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Dil se teri yaad na jaye to me kya karu,
Tasvir me tu hi tu aaye to mai kya karu,
Lene ko to le aau tumhe khwabo me,
Par nind hi na aye in to mai kya karu.

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Kisi ki chahat pe jinda rehne wale hum na the,
Kisi pe mar mitne wale hum na the
Aadat si pad gayi tumhe yaad karne ki,
Warna kisi ko yaad karne wale hum na the.

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Ek adaa apki dil churane ki,
Ek adaa apki dil mein bas jane ki
Ek chehra apka chand ke jaisa,
Ek zid hamarie chand ko pane ki...

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Bachelors Quotes

Every man should get married some time; after all,happiness is not the only thing in life !!
--Anonymous

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Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.
--Oscar Wilde

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Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
--Scottish Proverb

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I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
--Sam Kinison

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Men have a better time than women; for one thing,
They marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.
--H. L. Mencken

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When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

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Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

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When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
You can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back to home always.
--Anonymous

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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said,"Somewhere I h! Ave never been!" I told her,
"How about the kitchen?"
--Anonymous

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We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

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My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.
--Anonymous

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She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
--Anonymous

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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in."
--Anonymous

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Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses to get to married.
He says "the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs....."
--Anonymous

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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course...
At least he'll shut up after u let him in!
--Anonymous

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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said,

"Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain in is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied "My wife's first husband."

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A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a coin .

The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled " It really works ! "

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21 Reasons Why I Love You...

* I can be myself when I am with you.

* Your idea of romance is dim lights, soft music, and just the two of us.

* Because you make me feel like, like, like I have never felt before.

* I can tell you anything, and you won't be shocked

* Our undying faith is what keeps the flame out of love alive

* You and me together, we can make magic.

* We're a perfect match.

* Thinking of you, fills me with a wonderful feeling.

* Your love gives me the feeling, that the best is still ahead.

* You never give up on me, and that's what keeps me going.

* You are simply irresistible

* I love you because you bring the best out of me.

* Your terrific sense of humor

* Every time I look at you, my heart misses a beat

* You're the one who holds the key to my heart

* You always say what I need to hear (You are perfect).

* You have taught me the true meaning of love.

* Love is, what you mean to me - and you mean everything.

* You are my theme for a dream.

* I have had the time of my life and I owe it all to you.

* And, of-course, your intelligence, 'cause you were smart enough to fall in love with me ;-)

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Softwarism!! ( IT Humor )

Gandhism:

You have two cows. But you drink goat's milk.

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Indiraism:

You have two bulls. You adamantly consider them as cows.

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Lalooism:

You have two cows. You buy Rs. 900 Crore worth of cattlefeed for them.

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Rajnikantism:

You have two cows. You throw them into air and catch their milk in your mouth.

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Rajivism:

You have two cows. You paint them both to get colourful milk.

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Softwarism:(Ultimate....):

Client has 2 cows and u need to milk them

1 . First prepare a document when to milk them (Project kick off)

2 . Prepare a document how long you have to milk them (Project plan)

3 . Then prepare how to milk them (Design)

4 . Then prepare what other accessories are needed to milk them (Framework)

5 . Then prepare a 2 dummy cows (sort of toy cows) and show to client the way in which u will milk them (UI Mockups & POC)

6 . If client is not satisfied then redo from step 2

7 . You actually start milking them and find that there are few problem with accessories. (Change framework)

8 . Redo step 4

9 . At last milk them and send it to onsite. (Coding over)

10. Make sure that cow milks properly ( Testing)

11. Onsite reports that it is not milking there.

12. You break your head and find that onsite is trying to milk from bulls

13. At last onsite milk them and send to client (Testing)

14. Client says the quality of milk is not good. (User Acceptance Test)

15. Offsite then slogs and improves the quality of milk

16. Now the client says that the quality is good but its milking at slow rate (performance issue)

17. Again you slog and send it with good performance.

18. Client is happy???

By this time both the COWs aged and cant milk. (The software got old and get ready for next release repeat from step 1) !!!!!

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TO MY FRIENDS WHO ARE...

TO MY FRIENDS WHO ARE...SINGLE

-Love is like a butterfly...

The more you chase it, the more it eludes you

But if you just let it fly...

It will come back to you when you least expect it

Love can make you happy...but often it hurts

Love is only special when you give it to someone who is really worth it

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TO MY FRIENDS WHO ARE...NOT SO SINGLE

-Love isn't about becoming somebody else's "perfect person"

Its about finding someone who helps you...

Become the best person you can be

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TO MY FRIENDS WHO ARE...ENGAGED

-The true measure of compatibility...

Is not the years spent together

But how good you are for each other

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TO MY FRIENDS WHO ARE...MARRIED

-Love is not about..."its your fault"...but..."I'm sorry"

Not..."where are you"...but..."I'm right here for you"

Not..."how could you"...but..."I understand"

Not..."I wish you were"...but...I'm thankful you are"

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TO MY FRIENDS WHO ARE...HEARTBROKEN

-Heartbreaks last as long as you want...

And cut as deep as you allow them to go

The challenge is not how to survive heartbreaks...

But to learn from them

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Tongue Twisters

1. If you understand, say "understand" . If you don't understand, say "don't understand". But if you understand and say "don't understand". How do I understand that you understand? Understand!

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2.I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.

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3.Sounding by sound is a sound method of sounding sounds.

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4 .A sailor went to sea to see, what he could see. And all he could see was sea, sea, sea.

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5 .Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People

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6 .If two witches were watching two watches, which witch would watch which watch?

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7 .I thought a thought.But the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought. If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I wouldn't have thought so much.

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8 .Once a fellow met a fellow In a field of beans. Said a fellow to a fellow, "If a fellow asks a fellow, Can a fellow tell a fellow What a fellow means?"

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9.Mr Inside went over to see Mr Outside. Mr Inside stood outside and called to MrOutside inside.

Mr Outside answered Mr Inside from inside and Told Mr Inside to come inside. Mr Inside said "NO", and told Mr Outside to come outside.

Mr Outside and Mr Inside argued from inside and outside about going outside or coming inside. Finally, Mr Outside coaxed Mr Inside to come inside, then both Mr Outside and Mr Inside went outside to the riverside.

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10.SHE SELLS SEA SHELLS ON THE SEA SHORE , BUT THE SEA SHELLS THAT SHE SELLS, ON THE SEA SHORE ARE NOT THE REAL ONES

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11.The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.

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12.If one doctor doctors another doctor does the doctor who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does the doctor doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors?

"When a doctor falls ill another doctor doctor's the doctor. Does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctor the doctor in his own way or does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctors the doctor in the doctor's way"

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13.We surely shall see the sun shine shortly. Whether the weather be fine, Or whether the weather be not, Whether the weather be cold Or whether the weather be hot, We'll weather the weather Whatever the weather, Whether we like it or not. Watch? Whether the weather is hot.

Whether the weather is cold. Whether the weather is either or not. It is whether we like it or not.

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14.Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.

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15 .A flea and a fly in a flue Said the fly "Oh what should we do" Said the flea" Let us fly Said the fly"Let us flee" So they flew through a flaw in the flue

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16.If you tell Tom to tell a tongue-twister his tongue will be twisted as tongue-twister twists tongues.

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17.Mr. See owned a saw.And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore.Had Soar seen See's saw Before See sawed Soar's seesaw, See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw. So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.But it was sad to see Soar so sore Just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.....

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Sick Leave Policy

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
SUBJECT: SICK LEAVE POLICY
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* SICKNESS

No excuse...We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

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* AN OPERATION

We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.

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* DEATH

Other than your own. This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.

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* Your own death

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.

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* ALSO

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00-8:15, and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again.
We appreciate your cooperation.

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Simple Friend v/s Real Friend

A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.

A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself (and doesn't feel even the least bit weird shutting your 'beer/Pepsi drawer' with her foot!)

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A simple friend has never seen you cry.

A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears..

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A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names.

A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.

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A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party.

A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean.

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A simple friend hates it when you call after they've gone to bed.

A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.

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A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems.

A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.

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A simple friend wonders about your romantic history.

A real friend could blackmail you with it.

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A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument.

A real friend calls you after you had a fight.

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A simple friend expects you to always be there for them.

A real friend expects to always be there for you!

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Naming Ceremony

What ur name means....... .. Check it out !!

Instructions : What you do is find out what each letter of your name means.

Then connect all the meanings and it describes YOU. (Its TRUE) & (Is'nt it GRĂȘT !!)

If you have double or triple letters, just count the meaning once.
For Example : MARK

M - Success comes easily to you.
A - You can be very quiet when you have something on your mind.
R - You are a social butterfly.
K - You like to try new things..

A = You can be very quiet when you have something on your mind.
B = You are always cautious when it comes to meeting newpeople.
C = You definitely have a partier side in you, don't be shy to show it.
D = You have trouble trusting people.
E =You are a very exciting person.
F = Everyone loves you.
G = You have exce! Llent ways of viewing people.
H =You are not judgmental.
I =You are always smiling and making others smile.
J =Jealously
K =You like to try new things.
L = Love is something you deeply believe in.
M = Success comes easily to you..
N = You like to work, but you always want a break.
O = You are very open-minded.
P =You are very friendly and understanding.
Q = You are a hypocrite.
R =You are a social butterfly.
S = You are very broad-minded.
T = You have an attitude, a big one.
U = You feel like you have to equal up to people's standards.
V = You have a very good physique and looks.
W = You like your privacy.
X = You never let people tell you w! Hat to do.
Y = You cause a lot of trouble.
Z = You're always fighting with someone.

CHECK YOU'RE NAME MEANING AND YOU WILL FIND THAT THIS IS TRUE..............

Definition of a kiss

Prof .of Economics

Kiss is that thing for which the demand is aways higher than the supply.

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Prof. Of Accountancy

Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.

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Prof. Of Algebra

Kiss is infinity because two divided by nothing.

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Prof. Of Geometry

Kiss is the shortest distance between two lips.

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Prof. Of Physics

Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.

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Prof. Of Chemistry

Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.

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Prof. Of Zoology

Kiss is the interchange of salivary bacteria.

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Prof. Of Physiology

Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularisoris muscles in the state of contraction.

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Prof. Of Dentistry

Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.

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Prof. Of Philosophy

Kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.

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Prof. Of English

Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction, it is more common than proper, it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.

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Prof. Of Architecture

Kiss is a process which builds a solid bond between the two dynamic objects

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Prof. Of Comp.Science

What is a kiss? It seems to be an undefined variable

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The paradox of our time in history is that........

We have taller buildings, but shorter tempers

Wider freeways, but narrow view points

We spend more, but have less

We buy more, but enjoy less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families

More conveniences, but less time

We have more degrees, but less sense

More knowledge, but less judgment.

More experts, less solutions

More medicine, but less wellness.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values

We talk too much, love too seldom and hate too.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life

We've added years to life, not life to years.

Just Think About It........

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KINDNESS PAYS

One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry.

He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door.

Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water. She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large glass of milk. He drank it slowly, and then asked, "How much do I owe you?"

"You don't owe me anything," she replied "Mother has taught us never to accept payment for a kindness." He said... "Then I thank you from my heart."

As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt; stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to give up and quit.

Years later that young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease.

Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes.

Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room.

Dressed in his doctor's gown he we nt in to see her. He recognized her at once. He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. From that day he gave special attention to the case.

After a long struggle, the battle was won. Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval. He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her room.

She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally, she looked, and something caught; her attention on the side as She read these words.....

"Paid in full with one glass of milk." (Signed) Dr. Howard Kelly.

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12 Ways to Get Rid of a Telemarketer

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"

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2. If you get one of those pushy people who won't shut up, just listen to their sales pitch.

When they try to close the sale, tell them that you'll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or whatever.

See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card.

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3. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...."

When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.

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4. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located.

Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.

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5. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Julie and I'm with Dodger & Peck Services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"

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6. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Julie!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.

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7. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

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8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"

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9. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"

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10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating."

Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.

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11. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Widget & Associates." You: "Widget & Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?"

Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."

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12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back.

If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers).

If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Yeah! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)

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Valuable Banking

Rajiv and Mona are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news.

Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Rajiv turns to his wife and asks, "Mona, did we pay our Rs 5lakh deposit cheque yet to Bank?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Rajiv, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Mona, did we pay our Bank Master card yet?"

"Oh no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the cheque," she says.

"One last thing, Mona. Did you remember to send cheques for the auto loan to them too this month?" he asks.

"Oh, forgive me, Rajiv," begged Mona. "I didn't send that one, either."

Rajiv grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 40 years. Mona pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you hug me?"

Rajiv answers, "They'll find us!!!!"

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The Stock Market

The Stock Market simply illustrated ... Is there a lesson here?

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs10.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at Rs10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at Rs20.

This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.

The offer rate increased to Rs25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey let alone catch it.

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at Rs35 and when the man returns from the city , you can sell it to him for Rs50."

The villagers squeezed up with all their savings to buy the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!!!!

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Getting married....?

Read before Getting marriage.... :-)

• Why do Bride & Groom exchange varmaala during wedding ?
To tell each other affectionately... Sweetheart U R Dead !

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• Different Phases of a man:

After engagement: Superman

After Marriage: Gentleman

After 10 years: Watchman

After 20 years: Doberman

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• There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbour has it

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• Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'?

Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.

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• How Dogs and Women are alike?

Neither believe that silence is golden, neither can balance a checkbook, and Both put too much value on kissing

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• The world's thinnest book has only one word written in it: Everything and the book is titled: "What Woman Want!"

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• A man who surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST.

A man who surrenders when he's NOT SURE, is WISE.

A man who surrenders when he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND

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• Galfriends r like chocolates, taste gud anytime.

Lovers r like PIZZAS, Hot n spicy, eaten frequently.

Husbands r like Dal RICE, eaten when there`s no choice

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• Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated?

Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.

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• Q: Why dogs don't marry?

A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

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• There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go thruogh hell for her. They got married and now he is going thru hell.

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• Ek aadmi apni biwi ka antim sanskar karke ghar ja raha tha. Achanak bijli chamki, badal garje, jor se barish start ho gayi.

Dukhi aadmi: Lagta hai pahunch gayi.

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• On Jeeto's bday Santa had no money, so he sent a cheque of 100 kisses.

When he returns home Jeeto said: Thanks I got cheque cashed from bank manager.

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• Jitne channel TV ke, utne nakhre Biwi ke.

TV chalta remote se, Biwi chalti hai note se.

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• Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life!

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• Husband wife ki godh mein leta hua thaa. Wife: Kaisa lag raha hai ji.

Husband: Aise jaise bhagwaan Vishnu Shesh naag ki godh mein lete Hon.

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• Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?

A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!

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• Life is a paradox-what u want u don't get(luv), what u get, u don't njoy(marriage), what u njoy is not permanent(galfriend), what is permanent is boring(wife)

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• What men want: A woman who can cook, a woman who earns good money, a woman who loves him & system to make sure that those 3 women never meet each other!

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• Lady 2 her maid: Oh Kanta, I hv reason to suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary."

Kanta : I don't believe it! U r just saying that 2 make me jealous!"

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The Silversmith Story

One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver." She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined.

The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?"

He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it"

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.

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Pass this on right now. This very moment, someone needs to know that God is watching over them.

And, whatever they're going through, they'll be a better person in the end.

"Life is a coin. You can spend it anyway you wish, but you can only spend it once."

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HR = HIGH RISK ( OFFICE HUMOR )

After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no commendation and that the Company is not doing any thing about it. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager his observation. The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying;

My friend, you have not worked here for even one day.

The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.

Manager:- How many days are there in a year?

Man:- 365 days and some times 366

Manager:- how many hours make up a day?

Man:- 24 hours

Manager:- How long do you work in a day?

Man:- 8am to 4pm. I.e. 8 hours a day.

Manager:- So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?

Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours I.e . 1/3(one third)

Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?

Man:- 122 (1/3x366 = 122 in days)

Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends?

Man:- No sir

Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?

Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days

Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?

Man:- 18 days.

Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?

Man:- 4 days

Manager:- Do you work on New Year day?

Man:- No sir!

Manager:- Do you come to work on workers day?

Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- 2 days sir!

Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday )?

Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- 1 day sir!

Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day?

Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- None sir!

Manager:- So, what are you claiming?

Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that I was stealing Company money all these days.

Moral - NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!!

HR=HIGH RISK

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TWO Frogs

A group of frogs were traveling through the woods, and two of them fell into a deep pit. When the other frogs saw how deep the pit was, they told the two frogs that they were as good as dead.

The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump up out of the pit with all their might. The other frogs kept telling them to stop, that they were as good as dead. Finally, one of the frogs took heed to what the other frogs were saying and gave up. He fell down and died.

The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die.

He jumped even harder and finally made it out. When he got out, the other frogs said, "Did you not hear us?"

The frog explained to them that he was deaf. He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.

This story teaches two lessons:

1. There is power of life and death in the tongue. An encouraging word to someone who is down can lift them up and help them make it through the day.

2. A destructive word to someone who is down can be what it takes to kill them.

Be careful of what you say. Speak life to those who cross your path. The power of words...

It is sometimes hard to understand that an encouraging word can go such a long way.

Anyone can speak words that tend to rob another of the spirit to continue in difficult times. Special is the individual who will take the time to encourage another.

office @ night

Here i am sitting in my office @ night.....
Thinking hard about life
How it changed from a maverick collage life to strict professional life....

How tiny pocket money changed to huge monthly paychecks
but then why it gives lesss happiness.....

How a few local denim jeans changed to new branded wardrobe
but then why there are less people to use them

How a single plate of samosa changed to a full Pizza or burger
But then why there is less hunger......

Here i am sitting in my office @ night....
Thinking hard about life
How it changed......

How a bike always in reserve changed to bike always on
but then why there are less places to go on.....

How a small coffee shop changed to cafe coffee day
but then why its feels like shop is far away…..

How a limited prepaid card changed to postpaid package
but then why there are less calls & more messages....

Here i am sitting in my office @ night…
Thinking hard about life
How it changed…...

How a general class journey changed to Flight journey
But then why there are less vacations for enjoyment.....

How a old assembled desktop changed to new branded laptop
but then why there is less time to put it on....

How a small bunch of friends changed to office mate
But then why we always feel lonely n miss those college frnz......

Here i am sitting in my office @ night.....
Thinking hard about life
How it changed....... How it changed......

Shocking Telegrams

Love Humor & Jokes? Click here to Join Group...

TELEGRAM #1

A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing B.Ed exams, which the father receives as:

"father, your daughter has been successful in BED."

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TELEGRAM #2

A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill station sends a telegram to his wife: "I wish you were here."

The message received by wife: "I wish you were her."

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TELEGRAM #3

A wife with near maturing pregnan! Cy goes to railway station to return to her husband.

At the reservation counter, while her turn came, it was the last ticket.

Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in the queue, she offered her berth to the old lady and sent a telegram to her husband which reached as:

"Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave birth to an old lady."

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TELEGRAM #4

A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake.

The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.

Well he thinks for a while and says:

Let's put, "you are not getting older you are getting better".

The salesman asks, "How do you want me to put it?"

The man says, Well put "You are not getting older", at the top and "! You are getting better" at the bottom.

The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake:

"You are not getting older at the top, you are getting better at the bottom".

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TELEGRAM #5

A man from Agra went to Ajmer. His wife was in her parent's house in Delhi .

When the man went to Ajmer, he asked his servant to send a telegram to his wife indicating about his trip to Ajmer.

He sent a telegram. When the wife received the telegram, she fainted.

It was written:

'Sethji aaj mar ! Gaye! (Sethji Ajmer gaye )

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Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time leadership mattered, now dealership rules the world.

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Once upon a time quality was craftsman's pride, now it is a departmental mess.

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Once upon a time mouse was an untouchable mammal, now it is handheld pest.

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Once upon a time wisdom was cultivated by wise people, now it is flashed on T-shirts.

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Once upon a time teacher tought and students learnt, now teacher trade and students consume.

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Once upon a time population was a problem, now it is a flourishing mass market.

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Once upon a time competition brought out the best, now it brings out the worst in people.

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Once upon a time there was a golden rule, now if you have gold, you rule.

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Once upon a time truth telling was good for your soul, now it is bad for promotion.

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Once upon a time success meant living by ideals, now it is about using above all principles.

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Once upon a time beauty was in the eye of the beholder, now it is booming business.

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Once upon a time the government was clean and sex was dirty, now one doesn't know.

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Difference

TWO WOMEN TALKING:

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Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine.

Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

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...

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...

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NOW TWO MEN TALKING

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Man 1: Haircut?


Man 2: Yeah.

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Few very strange ,little known facts about our planet

*In 1783 an Icelandic eruption threw up enough dust to temporarily block out the sun over Europe.

*About 20 to 30 volcanoes erupt each year, mostly under the sea.

*A huge underground river runs underneath the Nile, with six times more water than the river above.

*Lake Bosumtwi in Ghana formed in a hollow made by a meteorite.

*Beaver Lake, in Yellowstone Park , USA, was artificially created by beaver damming.

*Off the coast of Florida there is an underwater hotel. Guests have to dive to the entrance.

*Venice in Italy is built on 118 sea islets joined by 400 bridges. It is gradually sinking into the water.

*The Ancient Egyptians worshipped a sky goddess called Nut.

*The world's windiest place is Commonwealth Bay, Antartica.

*In 1934, a gust of wind reached 371 km/h on Mount Washington in New Hampshire, USA.

*American Roy Sullivan has been struck by lighting a record seven times.

*The desert baobab tree can store up to 1000 litres of water in its trunk.

*The oldest living tree is a California bristlecone pine name 'Methuselah' . It is about 4600 years old. The largest tree in the world is a giant sequoia growing in California. It is 84 meters tall and measures 29 meters round the trunk. The fastest growing tree is the eucalyptus. It can grow 10 meters a year.

*The Antartic notothenia fish has a protein in its blood that acts like antifreeze and stops the fish freezing in icy sea.

*The USA uses 29% of the world's petrol and 33% of the world's electricity.

*The industrial complex of Cubatao in Brazil is known as the Valley of Death because its pollution has destroyed the trees and rivers nearby.

*Tibet is the highest country in the world. Its average height above sea level is 4500 meters.

*Some of the oldest mountains in the world are the Highlands in Scotland. They are estimated to be about 400 million years old.

*Fresh water from the River Amazon can be found up to 180 km out to sea.

*The White Sea, in Russia, has the lowest temperature, only -2 degrees centigrade. The Persian Gulf is the warmest sea. In the summer its temperature reaches 35.6 degrees centigrade.

*There is no land at all at the North Pole, only ice on top of sea. The Arctic Ocean has about 12 million sq km of floating ice and has the coldest winter temperature of -34 degrees centigrade.

*The Antarctic ice sheet is 3-4 km thick, covers 13 million sq km and has temperatures as low as -70 degrees centigrade.

*Over 4 million cars in Brazil.

Simple Solutions

The Difference between FOCUSING on PROBLEMS and FOCUSING on SOLUTIONS

Case # 1 : When NASA began the launch of astronauts into space, they found out that the pens would not work at zero gravity (ink will not flow down to the writing surface).

Solution # 1 : To solve this problem, it took them one decade and $12 million. They developed a pen that worked at zero gravity, upside down, underwater, in practically any surface including crystal and in a temperature range from below freezing to over 300 degrees C.

Solution # 2 : And what did the Russians do...?? They used a pencil.

Case # 2 : One of the most memorable case studies on Japanese management was the case of the empty soapbox, which happened in one of Japan 's biggest cosmetics companies. The company received a complaint that a consumer had bought a soapbox that was empty.

Immediately the authorities isolated the problem to the assembly Line, which transported all the packaged boxes of soap to the delivery department. For some reason, one soapbox went through the assembly line empty.

Management asked its engineers to solve the problem.

Solution # 1 : Post-haste, the engineers worked hard to devise an X-ray machine with high-resolution monitors manned by two people to watch all the soapboxes that passed through the line to make sure they were not empty. No doubt, they worked hard and they worked fast but they spent a whoopee amount to do so.

Solution # 2 : But when a rank-and-file employee in a small company was posed with the same problem, he did not get into complications of X-rays, etc., but instead came out with another solution.

He bought a strong industrial electric fan and pointed it at the assembly line. He switched the fan on, and as each soapbox passed the fan, it simply blew the empty boxes out of the line.

Moral
· Always look for simple solutions.
· Devise the simplest possible solution that solves the problems.
· Always focus on solutions & not on problems

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Blonde alligator

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.

She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he saw a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and, frustrated, shouts out,

"Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!

Did your job rejected?

Next time your application for a job is rejected...

Dear [Interviewer's Name]:

Thank you for your letter of [Date of Interview].

After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have had been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite [Firm's Name]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,
[Your Name]

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Geeta saar ( OFFICE HUMOR )

This is what Bhagwan Shri Krishna wants to tell you .

Hey .......(Employee),

Incentive nahi mila, Bura Huva

Salary cut rahi hai, Bura Huva

Extra shift hogi, who bhi bure hogi.

Hey Arjuna,

Tum pitchla incentive na milne ka paschatap na karo,

Tum agle incentive ki chinta na karo,

Bus apni salary main santusta raho....

Tumhari pocket se kya gaya , Jo rote ho?

Jo aaya tha sab uper ki income thee. ;-)

Tum jab nahi the, tab bhi company chal rahi thee

Tum jab nahi hoge, tab bhi chalegee.

Hey Dhananjaya,

Tum NE aisa kaun as response diya, Jo tumhara tha.

Sab kuch, 'cut-copy-paste' ka khel tha.

Tum koi experience leker nahi aaye the..

Jo experience mila, yahi mila...

Jo support diya company ke liye...

Degree leker aaye the, experience leker chalo.

Jo system aaj tumhara hai...

Who kal kisi aur ka tha....

Kal kisi aur ka or parson kisi aur ka hoga..

Tum ise apna samajh kar kyo magan ho rahe ho..

Hey Kaunteya,

Yahi tumhari tension kaa kaaran hai.

"Kyo wayarth chinta karte ho, kisse wayarth darte ho,

Kaun tumhe nikaal sakta hai......"

'Policy change' company ka rule hai.

Jise tum policy change kahte ho, wahi to trick hai.

"Ek pal main tum Best performer or Hero no.1 ya Super

Star ban jaate ho,

Dusre pal main tum worst performer aur target nahin

Achieve kar paatey ho."

Appraisal, incentive etc. Etc. Mann se hata do,

Vichaar se mita do. . .

Phir company tumhari hai or tum company ke.

Tasmat Arjuna,

Na yeh increment wageyrah tumhare liye hai, na tum

Iske kabhi the. Parantu job secure hai :-) Phir tum

Tension kyon lete ho........? Tum apne aap ko company

Ko arpit kar do. Yahi sabse bada golden rule hai. Jo

Is golden rule ko jaanta hai, who review,

Incentive,recession,retirement aadi se sada ke liye

Muqt ho jaata hai...

It's Performance, Not Position that Counts...

Priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses him, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven ?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, from New York ."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver,

"Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ."

Now it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am the Right Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest,

"Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ."

"Just a minute," says the priest. "That man was a taxi driver. Why does he get a silken robe and golden staff?"

"Results," shrugged Saint Peter...........

"While you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed."

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Moral of the story:

It's Performance, Not Position that Counts

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Don't leave your friend.

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is Heaven," he answered.

"We ll, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."

*******

Lessons in Logic ...

If your father is a poor man, It is your fate but,
If your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.

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I was born intelligent - Education ruined me.

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Practice makes perfect..... But nobody's perfect...... So why practice?

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If it's true that we are here to help others, Then what exactly are the others here for?

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Since light travels faster than sound, People appear bright until you hear them speak.

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How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

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Money is not everything. There's Mastercard & Visa.

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One should love animals. They are so tasty.

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Behind every successful man, there is a woman And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

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Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in Life.

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The wise never marry. And when they marry they become otherwise.

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Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

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Never put off the work till tomorrow What you can put off today.

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"Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep

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There should be a better way to start a day Than waking up every morning

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"Hard work never killed anybody" But why take the risk

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"Work fascinates me" I can look at it for hours

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God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends.

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The more you learn, the more you know, The more you know, the more you forget The more you forget, the less you know So.. Why learn.

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A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station....
What more can I say........

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Love Life & Indian Advertisement Line

Want to propose a girl
Just do it - Nike

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Before going to propose to a girl
Believe in the best - BPL.

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If you are hesitating before proposing to a girl
Vicks ki goli lo kich kich door karo -

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If you are going to propose to a girl
Chances are 50-50 - Britannia.

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If a girl slapped you when you proposed to her
Take it easy - Limca.

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Girl says NO !
Jor ka jhatka dhire se lage - Mirinda.

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Those who succeed in love always say
We dream because we do - Daewoo.

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If some one wants to write a love letter to his girlfriend
Likho script apna apna.- Rotomac.

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If you love someone
Go get it - Visa power.

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Boy riding a bike with neighbor's girl
Neighbors envy owner's pride - Onida.

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Not satisfied with your date
Yeh dil mangey more - Pepsi.

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A guy having a number of girl friends
The Complete Man - Raymonds.

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A smart girl having a number of boyfriends
Yeh hai hamara suraksha chakra - Colgate.

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For those lost in love
Har shaam ka sathi main aur mera - Bagpiper Whisky.

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For a guy 'r gal who hasn't yet found one
Dhoondte rehe jayo GE - Surf Excel

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Rules for women

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

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1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us griping about you leaving it down.

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2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

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3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

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4. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

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5. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

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6. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

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7. Crying is blackmail.

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8. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

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9. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

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10. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

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11. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

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12. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

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13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

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14. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

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15. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

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16. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

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17. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

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18. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

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19. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

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20. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

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21. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

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22. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

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23. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

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24. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

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25. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

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26. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

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27. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

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28. You have enough clothes.

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29. You have too many shoes.

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30. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)

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31. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

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32. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

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33. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
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IF MEN GOT PREGNANT

Maternity leave would last two years... With full pay.

There would be a cure for stretch marks.

Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.

All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

They wouldn't think twins were so cute.

Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM

Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.

Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.

They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.

Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees.

Women would rule the world!!

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BEST INTERVIEW

One of the best interviews!!!

Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.

Candidate: I am SAMEER GUPTA. I did my Tele Communication engineering from
BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.

Interviewer: BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had never heard
Of this college before!

Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an admission
Into it . What happened is - due to cricket world cup I scored badly! In 12th.I
Was getting a paid seat in a good college. But my father said (I prefer to
Call him 'baap') - "I can not invest so much of money".(The baap actually said
- "I will never waste so much of money on you"). So I had to join this
College. Frankly speaking this name - BabanRao Dhole-Patil, can at the most be
Related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya.

Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete your
Engineering.

Candidate: Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But you
Know, these cricket matches and football world cup, and tennis
Tournaments. It is difficult to concentrate. So I flunked in 2nd and
3rd year. So in all I took 4 + 2 = 7 years.

Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6.

Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in maths. But I will try
To keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good, thanks. These cricket matches
Really affect exams a lot. I think they should ban it.

Interviewer: Good to know that you want cricket matches to be banned.

Candidate: No, no... I am talking about Exams!!

Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?

Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never thought I
Would complete it. In fact, when I flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job
For me in BEST (Bus corporation in Maharashtra) through some relative.

Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher study?

Candidate: he he he.. Are you kidding? Completing 'lower' education
Itself was so much of pain!!

Interviewer: Let's talk about technical stuff. On which platforms have
You worked?

Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my current
Platform. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my platform then. As you can
See I have experience of different platforms! (Vashi and Andheri are the
Places in Mumbai)

Interviewer: And which languages have you used?

Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet in
German, French, Russian and many other languages.

Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?

Candidate: It is a common sense - C comes after B. So VC is a higher
Version than VB. I heard very soon they are coming up with a new
Language VD!

Interviewer: Do you know anything about Assembly Language?

Candidate: Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess, this is the
Language our ministers and MPs use in assembly.

Interviewer: What is your general project experience?

Candidate: My general experience about projects is - most of the times
They are in pipeline!

Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?

Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata InfoTech Ltd. Since
Joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining BIL, I used to think that
Bench was another software like Windows.

Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience?

Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn't be difficult. I know Word and
Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to dial for International phone call
And use speaker facility. And very important - I know few words like -
'Showstoppers ' , 'hotfixes',
'SEI-CMM','quality','versioncontrol','deadlines' , 'Customer
Satisfaction' etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes!

Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?

Candidate: Not much.

1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.

2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not have
Deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.

3. I believe in flexi-timings.

4. Dress code is against basic freedom, so I
Would like to wear t-shirt and jeans.

5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest Wednesday off also, so as to
Avoid breakdown due to overwork.

6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term
preferably 2-4 months) assignments. Personally I prefer US, Australia and
Europe. But considering the fact that there is a world cup in West Indies in
2007, I don't mind going there in that period. As you can see I am modest and
don't have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?

Interviewer: he he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our
organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before. Welcome to
INFOSYS .. :-))

Humor Vacation

"Laughter is an instant vacation"
--Merlin Berke

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Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday

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Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?

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Manager: Sorry, but I can't give you a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just theright person in this case.

You will see, I won't be of much help anyway!!

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Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.

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Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.

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Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?

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Husband: You know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I still got mine with me!

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Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it
Within three days, you can keep it.

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Father: Your teacher says she finds it
Impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!

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100 Reasons Why It's Great To Be A Woman

1. Working / Earning not mandatory.

2. they never have to buy their own drinks at the bar.

3. they don't have to bother on mobile bills.

4. they get out of speeding tickets by crying.

5. they don't have to stand on the queue to get tickets.

6. they can sleep our way to the top of the class.

7. they don't have to worry about the purse when they shop with men.

8. they can marry rich and then not have to work.

9. they never have to pay when they go out on dates.

10. Men take them on all expense paid trips

11. they always get place to sit when using public transport.

12. Easy to get a ride.

13. Men hold the door open for them.

14. Jetheyls looks good on them.

15. they lie better.

16. they're better manipulators.

17. they always end up sleeping in the bed when they fight with our other halves - you guys get the couch.

18. they always have food in the fridge.

19. they don't worry about losing our hair.

20. they always get to choose the movie.

21. they don't have to mow the lawn.

22. they don't have to take out the garbage.

23. they don't have to paint the house or walls.

24. If they need to our boyfriends just a missed call is enough.

25. they can easily show our disappointments or disapprovals.

26. they can con our way out of anything - not just dig ourselves deeper into a hole.

27. Men unlock our side of the car first - a real bonus when its cold.

28. Even strangers shows care if they are in trouble. Men have to manage themselves.

29. Men are like tiles, lay 'em right the first time you can walk all over em forever.

30. they can cry in public. Men cant.

31. they don't feel shy to cry.

32. they don have worry if they lose the fight.

33. Stheyat is sexy on them.

34. they never run out of excuses.

35. You guys may get to think about sex 200 times a day, but they could be having it that often.

36. they can borrow clothes or accessories from our friends.

37. they get expensive jetheylry as gifts that they NEVER have to give back.

38. they get candy, flotheyrs and jetheylry all the time because men screw up so often.

39. they can give "the look" that will make any man want to cotheyr in the corner.

40. Women are cleaner.

41. they know how to make up stories.

42. they're better arguers.

43. they don't always have to think with our genitals.

44. they don't have to worry if they are plump. Men still like them.

45. they're better parents.

46. they never have to sit home alone on a theyekend night.

47. There's never a shortage of ready, willing, and able men.

48. they're flexible.

49. When women get upset, they don't destroy property or hurt people - they just take it out on the world in general because they can.

50. Easy to make friendships.

51. Much easy to get a date.

52. Men have to be in uniform.

53. they can do makeup anywhere

54. If they do heavy purchase they don't have to carry those things. Men are there.

55. It generally takes them less to get drunk.

56. they have a higher tolerance to pain.

57. they often get to cut in line (Queue).

58. Most women actually look good in short shorts - men DON'T.

59. Better tips.

60. Women who don't theyar undertheyar are considered sexy and wild, when men do it, it's rather disgusting

61. they have mastered civilized eating - they don't embarrass our friends or make loud bodily noises in public.

62. Women can go a day without shotheyring or shaving and not look or smell disgusting - thank heaven for long pants and perfume!

63. they can connive men into doing our homework, writing our papers or carrying our books anytime they want.

64. they don't have excessive amounts of body hair.

65. they don't spend 45 minutes on the toilet.

66. they don't bother if our IQ level is less. Just a smile is enough.

67. they are always smart.

68. they can throw a punch at a man and not get hit in return.

69. they don't have to lie to boast ourselves better.

70. Men walk on the side of the sidewalk closest to the road so that if a car hits us, he gets hurt not us.

71. Women stheyat less.

72. Women smell better.

73. When women make their boyfriends mad, they don't have to waste money on flotheyrs or cards

74. Men are more often serial killers, thieves, rapists and cheats.

75. they don get charged if they tease men in public.

76. they can be late to the office.

77. they don't get embarrassed when buying tampons.

78. they're better gossips.

79. they have better fashion sense.

80. they're better shoppers.

81. they don't have to make fools out of ourselves to impress a man.

82. Our friends don't pick on them if they aren't sleeping with anyone.

83. Men don't know what our 'girl talk' is all about (and I'm not gonna tell you)

84. they're all sitting on a gold mine - they know it and use it to our extreme advantage.

85. they don't have to drive when on a date.

86. An ugly woman can use makeup and get a new hairdo to become presentable - ugly men are just ugly.

87. they can search for hours together in a shop not necessary to buy.

88. Don't have to maintain great physique.

89. Women look better naked

90. they know that rhythm doesn't only pertain to dancing.

91. When women are short, they're petite. When men are short, they're just short.

92. Women do less time for violent crimes.

93. Women don't have to worry about not being able to get it up.

94. There are many hands to lift them when they slip to ground. Poor men they have to get up on their own.

95. And they don't have to feel shy about falling down.

96. Women's conversations generally consist of more than just "uh huh, yep ok then bye"

97. Women don't need an excuse to be in a bad mood.

98. The remote control is not an extension of ourselves.

99. Women are sexier.

100. they can get laid ANYTIME, ANYWHERE, ANY WAY they want it.........!

Men are better friends

Women:

A wife was not at home for a whole night. So, the next morning, she tells her husband that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment overnight.
The husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends and none of them confirm that.

Men:

A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment overnight.
So the wife calls 10 of his best friends: 5 of them confirmed that he stayed at their apartments that night, and the other 5 are claiming that he still is there with them!

Conclusion : Men are better friends

Generous lawyer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... No."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Modern Heights

1. What is height of Fashion?
A. Dhoti with a zip .

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2. What is height of Secrecy?
A. Offering blank visiting cards.

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3. What is height of Active laziness?
A. Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.

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4. What is height of Craziness?
A. Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.

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5. What is height of Forgetfulness?
A. Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.

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6. What is height of Stupidity?
A. A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.

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7. What is height of Honesty?
A. A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.

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8. What is height of Suicide?
A. A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.

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9. What is height of De-hydration?
A. A cow giving milk powder.

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THE 7 Timeless Virtues Of Enlighting Living

1. MASTER YOUR MIND

The secret of happines is Simple,find out what you truly love to do and then direct all of your energy towards doing it once you do this , abundance flows into your desire are filled with Ease and Grace.

**
2.FOLLOW UR PURPOSE

Never forget the importance of living with unbridled exhilaration. Never neglect to see the Exquiste in all living things. Today,and this very moment is a gift. stay focused on your purpose.

The Universe will take care of Everything Else.

**
3.PRACTICE KAIZEN

The universe favors the brave when u resolve to lift Your life to its highest level,
the strength of your soul will guide you to a magical place with magnificent treasures.

**
4.LIVE WITH DISCIPLINE

Wage war against the weaker thoughts that have crept into the palace of your mind they will see that they are unwanted and leave like unwelcome Visitors.

**
5. RESPECT YOUR TIME
Time slips throughour bands like grain of sand never to return again.
Those who used time wisely from an early age ae rewarded with rich productive and satisfying lives.

***
6. SELFLESSLY SERVE OTHERS

The most noble things you can do is to give to others. Start Focusing on your higher purpose.

***
7. EMBRACE THE PRESENT

We are all here for some special reason. Stop Being a prisoner of Your part. Become the Architect of your Future.
**

Funny Thoughts On Exercise

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

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My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

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The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

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I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

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The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

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I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

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If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

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Good One Liner

Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home& devil
in bed. But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home& economist in Bed.

What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge. Mother: So, you want to become my son-in-law?
Boy: Not really, but I don't see any other way to marry your daughter

There is a sign in the toilet of the Sex Change Clinic. It reads "We may
never piss this way again."

Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

Q: What's the diff between mother & wife?
A: One woman brings into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.

Boss: I'll give you 3000 per month and in three months, I'll raise it to
6000. So when would you like to start?
Santa: In 3 months.

A recent study showed that the average husband only actually speaks to his wife about thirty-seven minutes each week.
Well, yeah, I can believe that, I mean just how long does it take to say "Uh-huh" or "Yes dear" or "I'm sorry" ?

Pilot asking permission to land said, "Guess who?"
Controller switches the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"

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