Quote of the Day

What do we build in our lives?

Once upon a time two brothers, who lived on adjoining farms, fell into conflict. It was the first serious rift in 40 years of farming side by side, sharing machinery, and trading labor and goods as needed without a conflict.

Then the long collaboration fell apart. It began with a small misunderstanding and it grew into a major difference, and finally it exploded into an exchange of bitter words followed by weeks of silence.

One morning there was a knock on John's door. He opened it to find a man with a carpenter's tool box.

"I'm looking for a few days' work" he said. "Perhaps you would have a few small jobs here and there I could help with? Could I help you?" "Yes," said the older brother. "I do have a job for you."

"Look across the creek at that farm. That's my neighbor; in fact, it's my younger brother. Last week there was a meadow between us and he took his bulldozer to the river levee and now there is a creek between us. Well, he may have done this to spite me, but I'll do him one better."

"See that pile of lumber by the barn? I want you to build me a fence --an 8-foot fence -- so I won't need to see his place or his face anymore."

The carpenter said, "I think I understand the situation. Show me the nails and the post-hole digger and I'll be able to do a job that pleases you."

The older brother had to go to town, so he helped the carpenter get the materials ready and then he was off for the day.

The carpenter worked hard all that day measuring, sawing, nailing.

About sunset when the farmer returned, the carpenter had just finished his job.

The farmer's eyes opened wide, his jaw dropped. There was no fence there at all. It was a bridge -- a bridge stretching from one side of the creek to the other! A fine piece of work, handrails and all -- and the neighbor, his younger brother, was coming toward them, his hand outstretched. "You are quite a fellow to build this bridge after all I've said and done."

The two brothers stood at each end of the bridge, and then they met in the middle, taking each other's hand.

They turned to see the carpenter hoist his toolbox onto his shoulder. "No, wait! Stay a few days. I've a lot of other projects for you," said the older brother.

"I'd love to stay on," the carpenter said, but I have many more bridges to build.

Why ?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

********

Jury Duty

A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from serving.

He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot.

As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.

"Your Honour," he said, " I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty, guilty, guilty' So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury!"

With a tired annoyance the judge replied,

"Get back in the jury box. That man is his lawyer."

******

The Barnyard Duck

A flock of wild ducks were flying in formation, heading south for the winter. They formed a beautiful V in the sky, and were admired by everyone who saw them from below. One day, Wally, one of the wild ducks in the formation, spotted something on the ground that caught his eye. It was a barnyard with a flock of tame ducks who lived on the farm.

They were waddling around on the ground, quacking merrily and eating corn that was thrown on the ground for them every day. Wally liked what he saw. "It sure would be nice to have some of that corn," he thought to himself. "And all this flying is very tiring. I'd like to just waddle around for a while."

So after thinking it over a while, Wally left the formation of wild ducks, made a sharp dive to the left, and headed for the barnyard. He landed among the tame ducks, and began to waddle around and quack merrily. He also started eating corn. The formation of wild ducks continued their journey South, but Wally didn't care. "I'll rejoin them when they come back North in a few months, he said to himself.

Several months went by and sure enough, Wally looked up and spotted the flock of wild ducks in formation, heading north. They looked beautiful up there. And Wally was tired of the barnyard. It was muddy and everywhere he waddled, nothing but duck doo. "It's time to leave," said Wally.

So Wally flapped his wings furiously and tried to get airborne. But he had gained some weight from all his corn-eating, and he hadn't exercised his wings much either. He finally got off the ground, but he was flying too low and slammed into the side of the barn.

He fell to the ground with a thud and said to himself, "Oh, well, I'll just wait until they fly south in a few months. Then I'll rejoin them and become a wild duck again."

But when the flock flew overhead once more, Wally again tried to lift himself out of the barnyard. He simply didn't have the strength. Every winter and every spring, he saw his wild duck friends flying overhead, and they would call out to him.

But his attempts to leave were all in vain. Eventually Wally no longer paid any attention to the wild ducks flying overhead. He hardly even noticed them. He had, after all, become a barnyard duck.

Look what happened to Wally. He thought he would just "check-it-out" for awhile and then leave when he wanted to. But he couldn't do it. Sin and bad habits are like that. It is a trap, and it has a way of changing us into people we don't even want to become. Eventually we lose touch with who we really are . We become barnyard ducks.

***************

Attitude.....!

Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood and always had something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"

He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"

Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, 'Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.' I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life."

"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.

"Yes, it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut way all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live life."

I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers. While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center.

After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body.

I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?"

I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place. "The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied. "Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I chose to live."

"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.

Jerry continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read, 'He's a dead man.'

"I knew I needed to take action."

"What did you do?" I asked.

"Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breathe and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their laughter, I told them. 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."

Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything.

******
You have 2 choices now:

1. Crib about your daily life and what are you doing and be unhappy . . .

2. Enjoy every moment of your life & give in your Best . . .

Keep Smiling Always...

******

Seat

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat.

The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear.

She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.

When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed like that."

Indian - American

An Indian migrated to America , and moved into an American neighbourhood;

His American neighbour went next door to wish him welcome.He was shocked to see the man from India in his nice backyard chasing ten chickens around like mad. "Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself.

Deciding he could put off the welcome till a later date, he went home.

The next day, he decided he was going to welcome the Indian man again.

When he looked through his window, he saw the Indian man urinate into a cup and drink it. "Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till the next day, he went on with other stuff.

The third day, he was determined to welcome the Indian man. At his gate, he saw the Indian man with his ear pressed against a cow's big fat butt.

Seeing this, he became disgusted and went up to the Indian man.

"I'm sorry sir, I did want to wish you a warm welcome, but I cannot stand your crazy Indian customs!" He yelled at the Indian .

The Indian looked confused and answered. "Sorry sir, I think you are mistaken. These are actually American customs. I was told, that in order to be a true American, you have to chase chicks, get piss drunk, and listen to bullshit.

Telephonic assistance is on its way!

Most of us have now learned to live with automated telephony as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if the god decided to install it? Imagine praying and hearing the following:

Thank you for calling Jehovah/Allah/and all the rest.

For English press 1

For Spanish press 2

For Arabic press 3

For all other languages press 4

Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for request

Press 2 for thanksgiving

Press 3 for complaints

Press 4 for Virgins website (mobile phones only)

Press 5 for all others

I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:

Jehovah (Jewish) press 1

Jehovah (RC) press 2

Jehovah (Anglican) press 3

Jehovah (OPD) press 4

Allah (Sunni) press 5

Allah (Shia) press 6

E-meter press 7

Other deities press 8

To find a loved one who has been assigned to Heaven/Paradise/Nirvana/Sheol press 9, then enter his social security number followed by the $ sign. If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666.

For reservations to Heaven/Nirvana/Paradise/Sheol, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers 3:16.

For answers to nagging questions about gods, dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive for the specifics.

Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.

The office is now closed to observe a religious holiday.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor/imam/shaman/conman/witch doctor.

Thank you and have a nirvanaly day.

************

Your Daughter is Pregnant

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Are not you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they had show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"

Ideal 'ORKUT' profile of a Software Engineer

About me: I think I am changing the world, but I am not. I think I am contributing to the Indian economy, but I guess I am not. I think I love my work, but I do not. I think I hate all people who made me earn my engineering degree, and I do. I think I am living, but and most importantly, I am LOOKING for someone to make me live !! Ok...I won't be funny anymore. I am a cool guy with a zeal to enjoy life (For all those who know me--> "Just stop laughing!!")

Relationship status : what?

Birthday : The day my PL is about to fire me.

Age : 10111
1111
111

Here for: web browsing in company hours.

Children : can't be (hey, don't get me wrong here!!)

Ethnicity : Programmer.

Languages I speak : Java, C/C++, 010101110101

Religion: I get holidays on all religious festivals, so I love all religions.

Political view : the guy sitting beside me is a pig!!

Humor : weekly.

Fashion: Ask my company HR. Btw, I like jeans, t-shirt and a cross-bag.

Smoking: The second greatest pleasure on the earth.

Drinking : The first is this.

Pets: Yeah, my PL looks like a dog. :-)

Living: Cummon, this is a stupid one. How can this be asked to a software engineer? Believe me, I am living!!

Hometown : My company (Oh God! Please bring my appraiser to this page)

Webpage: http://naukri.com, http://jobsahead.com – Isn't it Ultimate???

Passions: searching for the cheapest pub around, cursing my company, looking for other company, remembering my good old college days, worrying about my future.

Sports: quake, CS (Counter Strike), computer chess.

Activities: Are you crazy?

Books: "How to lose weight in 20 days?", "How to live a happy life?", "101 ways to attract a girl", "Java Unleashed", "C++ at your footsteps", Others censored.

Music: Metallica, Pink Floyd, Nirvana, ACDC, and anything depressing.

Tv shows : can't afford one.

Cuisines : Bread Butter, Maggi, anything available within 200 meteres of my cubicle....

**********

THINGS ONLY A MOM CAN TEACH

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:
"Just wait until your father gets home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING:.
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE:
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you... Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."

&

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to
The store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE:
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD:
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP:
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me HUMOR:
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT:
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about SEX:
"How do you think you got here?"

My Mother taught me about GENETICS:
"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS:
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE:
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My Mother taught me about JUSTICE:
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you'll see what it's like."

My mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep crying and I'll *give* you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS: "If I yelled because
I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times: Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

*************

Life Before Computers!

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

And a keyboard was on a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age

And a CD was a bank account

And if you had a corrupted disk

It would hurt when you found out!

Compress was what you did to garbage

Not something you did to a file

And if you unzipped anything in public

You'd be in jail for a while!

Log on was adding wood to a fire

A hard drive was a trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And a backup happened to the commode!

Cutting, you did with a pocket knife,

Pasting, you did with glue.

The Web was where a spider lived

And a virus was the flu!

**********

Congratulations

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.

If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However,

If they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.

"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

Quotes to think upon...

I am certain there is too much certainty in the world.

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future.

Everything in the world may be endured except continued prosperity.

I do not know which makes a man more conservative—to know nothing but the present, or nothing but the past.

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

A paranoid is someone who knows a little of what's going on.

Dance like it hurts,/ Love like you need money,/ Work when people are watching.

The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable.

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

Everything of importance has been said before by somebody who did not discover it.

The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of civilization.

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.

A compromise is the art of dividing a cake in such a way that everyone believes he has the biggest piece.

What goes around

One day a man saw an old lady, stranded on the side of the road, but even in the dim light of day, he could see she needed help.

So he pulled up in front of her Mercedes and got out. His Pontiac was still sputtering when he approached her.

Even with the smile on his face, she was worried. No one had stopped to help for the last hour or so. Was he going to hurt her? He didn't look safe; he looked poor and hungry.

He could see that she was frightened, standing out there in the cold. He knew how she felt. It was those chills which only fear can put in you.

He said, "I'm here to help you, ma'am. Why don't you wait in the car where it's warm? By the way, my name is Bryan Anderson."

Well, all she had was a flat tire, but for an old lady, that was bad enough.

Bryan crawled under the car looking for a place to put the jack, skinning his knuckles a time or two. Soon he was able to change the tire. But he had to get dirty and his hands hurt.

As he was tightening up the lug nuts, she rolled down the window and began to talk to him. She told him that she was from St. Louis and was only just passing through. She couldn't thank him enough for coming to her aid.

Bryan just smiled as he closed her trunk. The lady asked how much she owed him.

Any amount would have been all right with her. She already imagined all the awful things that could have happened had he not stopped.

Bryan never thought twice about being paid. This was not a job to him. This was helping someone in need, and God knows there were plenty, who had given him a hand in the past. He had lived his whole life that way, and it never occurred to him to act any other way.

He told her that if she really wanted to pay him back, the next time she saw someone who needed help, she could give that person the assistance they needed, and Bryan added, "And think of me."

He waited until she started her car and drove off. It had been a cold and depressing day, but he felt good as he headed for home, disappearing into the twilight.

A few miles down the road the lady saw a small cafe. She went in to grab a bite to eat, and take the chill off before she made the last leg of her trip home. It was a dingy looking restaurant. Outside were two old gas pumps.

The whole scene was unfamiliar to her. The waitress came over and brought a clean towel to wipe her wet hair.

She had a sweet smile, one that even being on her feet for the whole day couldn't erase. The lady noticed the waitress was nearly eight months pregnant, but she never let the strain and aches change her attitude.

The old lady wondered how someone who had so little could be so giving to a stranger. Then she remembered Bryan.

After the lady finished her meal, she paid with a hundred dollar bill. The waitress quickly went to get change for her hundred dollar bill, but the old lady had slipped right out the door.

She was gone by the time the waitress came back. The waitress wondered where the lady could be. Then she noticed something written on the napkin.

There were tears in her eyes when she read what the lady wrote: "You don't owe me anything. I have been there too. Somebody once helped me out, the way I'm helping you. If you really want to pay me back, here is what you do: Do not let this chain of love end with you."

Under the napkin were four more $100 bills.

Well, there were tables to clear, sugar bowls to fill, and people to serve, but the waitress made it through another day. That night when she got home from work and climbed into bed, she was thinking about the money and what the lady had written. How could the lady have known how much she and her husband needed it? With the baby due next month, it was going to be hard....

She knew how worried her husband was, and as he lay sleeping next to her, she gave him a soft kiss and whispered soft and low, "Everything's going to be all right. I love you, Bryan Anderson."

There is an old saying "What goes around comes around." Today, I sent you this story and I'm asking you to pass it on... Let this light shine.

Don't delete it, don't return it. Simply, pass this on to a friend.

Great Doctor

Love this DOCTOR!!!!

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! ! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways

Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, What a Ride!

******

Things To Do!

The moment we are living now is very precious and people around us are precious. We realise this only when we miss the moments and the people..

The obituary page had my name and photo in it. It wasn't too good a snap of me, I thought, as I looked at it absent-mindedly. And then I gave a cry of terror, "What's my photo doing in the death column?"

I remembered, the sharp chest pain last night. I looked around, it was morning; but my coffee had not been made. People were entering the house and walking through the bedroom door. I walked in and looked on the bed. There I was, all laid out; dead.

People stared at me, not many were crying, and some, I noticed, looked relieved. "LISTEN" I shouted, "I' M HERE, I'M OKAY , I'M NOT DEAD." Nobody heard me. They were all looking at the me on the bed. I walked back into the sitting room.

The coffin had arrived. It was being set up in the center. I watched them carry my body and put it in. "I' M NOT READY TO GO AS YET" I shouted, "I STILL HAVE WORK TO DO. DONT BURY ME BEFORE I AM READY"

I looked around. "Where's my family?," I asked myself. They were in the next room, weeping. "I'M NOT DEAD " I shouted to my wife and children. They continued to weep.

"How can I go before telling you I love you?," I asked my wife.

"How can I go, before hugging you both?," I asked my children.

I wept with them.

The singing was coming from the next room. I walked in as they sang my favourite songs.

There were tears in the eyes of one of the men as he sang. "But we haven't talked to each other for years", I said to him. "Why are you crying? Come on, shake my hand and let's make up." The man continued crying as he sang. He did not see my extended hand.

My dog walked up and smelt my coffin. She didn't seem too shattered I was no more. "I guess I was too strict with you," I told her, "Come, let me pet you."

The dog yawned as it stretched out and fell asleep.

The singing stopped as the priest came in. He sat next to the man who was crying and leaned to talk to him. I went close to hear what he was asking. "Is there anything good," he asked, " the dead man did in his life time?" The man who was crying shook his head sadly.

There was a hush as my wife walked into the room. "She looks beautiful," I thought. "YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL" I shouted. She did not hear my words. She had never heard them before, because I had never said them. "G OD," I screamed in agony, "A little more time to do all the things I should have one!"

I watched as they lifted my coffin and carried it to the hearse outside. My dog did not bother getting up from deep sleep. The priest refrained from saying any word about me. They all understood, there was nothing good to say. I turned to say sorry to the man who had the tears. I turned to hug my children. I leaned over to whisper words of love into my wife's ears, and then I looked up and cried, "God, one more chance!"

"You shouted in your sleep," said my wife as she gently woke me up. "Did you have a nightmare?"

She looked startled, as I hugged her tight and whispered, "You're beautiful!"

Simplicity

HIS DIARY V/S HER DIARY

Here is good example of Diff between Men and Women.....

Her Diary

*******
Day night, I thought he was acting

Weird. We had made

Plans to meet at a

Cafe to have some coffee. I was

Shopping with my friends

All day long, so I

Thought he was upset at the fact that I

Was a bit late,

But he made no

Comment.Conversation wasn't flowing so

I suggested that

We go somewhere

Quiet so we could talk, he agreed but

He kept quiet and

Absent.I asked

Him what was wrong - he said,

"Nothing."I asked him if

It was my fault

That he was upset. He said it had

Nothing to do with me

And not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved

Him, he simply

Smiled and kept

Driving. I can't explain his

Behavior; I don't know

Why he didn't say,

"I love u,too."When we got home I felt

As if I had lost

Him, as if he

Wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat

There and watched TV.;

He seemed distant and absent.Finally I

Decided to go to

Bed. About 10

Minutes later he came to bed. I decided

That I could not

Take it anymore,

So I decided to confront him with the

Situation but he

Had fallen asleep.I Started crying and cried

Until I too Fell asleep. I

Don't know what to

Do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts

Are with someone

Else. My life is a

Disaster.

.

.

.

.

.

Now read His diary

*******
Today India lost the cricket match

Against England at Mumbai.

DAMN IT.

*******
NOW that's called , Simplicity of Men Vs Complexity of Women :)

******

Cute Questions asked by Kids

She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"

*******
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

*******
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

*******
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

*******
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.

*******
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

*******
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

*******
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

*******
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised. "mine says I'm four to six."

*******
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

*******
Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

*******
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs,"
she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants...

*******

Wife was cheating

A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse.

The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".

The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in.

A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this women out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!"

The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".

The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!".

Boss Kidnapped

Employees of a Company are all worried. Some are roaming around. Some are in
loud discussions during office time.....
Some Trainees, who had just joined, notice this and enquire about what happened
to a senior employee, they ask, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped our Boss"

They're asking for Rs.10 Crores ransom, otherwise they're going to
douse him with petrol and set him on fire.
Some Trainees, who had just joined, notice this and enquire about what happened
to a senior employee, they ask, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped our Boss"

They're asking for Rs.10 Crores ransom, otherwise they're going to
douse him with petrol and set him on fire.

We're going from desk to desk, taking up a collection."

One Trainee asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.
.

.

.

.

.
"About 1 litre."

Facts

All the planets in our solar system rotate anticlockwise, except Venus. It is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

Hummingbirds are the only animal that can also fly backwards.

Insects do not make noises with their voices. The noise of bees, mosquitoes and other buzzing insects is caused by rapidly moving their wings.

The cockroach is the fastest animal on 6 legs covering a meter a second.

The word "listen" contains the same letters as the word "silent".

The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it's head are the rabbit and the parrot.

A zebra is white with black stripes.

The whip makes a cracking sound because its tip moves faster than the speed of sound.

A hippopotamus can run faster than a man.

It is impossible to lick your elbow. ( I know you gonna try this !!! )

A snail can sleep for 3 years.

The names of the continents all end with the same letter with which they start.

In 1883 the explosion of the volcano Krakatoa put so much dust into the earth's atmosphere that sunsets appeared green and the moon appeared blue around the world for almost two years.

"Almost" is the longest word in the English language with all the letters in alphabetical order.

Twenty-Four- Karat Gold is not pure gold since there is a small amount of copper in it. Absolutely pure gold is so soft that it can be molded with the hands.

lie detector robot

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha has long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day, John came home about noon and told Marsha that he had gone to a nearby city and purchased a Robot. It was no ordinary robot, but it was in fact a Lie Detector. He said it had to charge 4 or 5 hours, and then he would show her how it worked.

At 5:30 that afternoon, Tommy, their 11 year old son, came in from school, nearly 2 hours and 15 minutes late. Both parents were understandably angry.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.

The Robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'

'What did you watch?', asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.'

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents, never tried to see dirty pictures much less dirty movies, told dirty jokes, nor did I misbehave.'

The robot walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that not only knocked him out of his chair, but out the back door and half way across the patio.

When he came back inside, Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and literally slapped the shit out of her, not once , but three times.

Rhyming couplets

A local newspaper (in England) ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... But the least romantic second line.

Here are some of the entries they received.

*********
My feelings for you no words can tell,

Except for maybe "go to hell"

*********
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

*********
Oh loving beauty you float with grace

If only you could hide your face

*********
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;

This describes everything you are not

*********
I want to feel your sweet embrace

But don't take that paper bag off of your face

*********
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -

Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

*********
I see your face when I am dreaming.

That's why I always wake up screaming

*********
My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way

*********

Exam Special

Three Examinations special

1) Special offer........ Bring a chit on exam day, scratch and show it to your nearest teacher and win free trip to Principal's office and enjoy 3 years vacation at home.

Hurry offer valid until exams only....

2) It takes 15 trees to produce the amount of paper that we use to write our exam once (excluding supplementary). Join us in promoting the noble cause of saving trees.

Say NO to EXAMS

3) Student's declaration at the end of answer paper. It Reminds me of Disclaimer Notices!

"I hereby declare that answers written above r true 2 the best of mine & my friend's knowledge & I claim no responsibility whatsoever 4 any mistakes. Whatever I have written is truly fictitious & any resemblance with the Subject Matter is purely Coincidental."

Success

At age 04 success is... Not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is... Having friends.

At age 18 success is... Having a drivers license.

At age 35 success is... Having money.

At age 50 success is... Having money.

At age 70 success is... Having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is... Having friends.

At age 80 success is... Not peeing in your pants.

********

Marital Woes

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

*********
Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.

Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.

*********
Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?

It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

*********
Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?

Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

*********
It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.

It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered

*********
It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as women and then he turns them into Wives

*********
If u r married please ignore this MSG,

For everyone else: Happy Independence Day

*********
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.

After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish.

*********
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage

*********
Galfriends r like chocolates,
Taste gud anytime.

Lovers r like PIZZAS, Hot n spicy, eaten frequently.
Wife r like Dal RICE, eaten when there`s no choice

*********
Man receives telegram: Wife deadshould be buried or cremated?

Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.

*********
Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'?

Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.

*********
Q: Why dogs don't marry?

A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

*********
There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go through hell for her. They got married and now he is going thru hell.

*********
Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life!

********
Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?

A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!

*********

Difference between appraisal and resignation

A newly joined trainee engineer asks his boss "what is the meaning of appraisal?"

Boss: "Do you know the meaning of resignation? "

Trainee: "Yes I do"

Boss: "So let me make you understand what a appraisal is by comparing it with resignation"

Comparison study : Appraisal and Resignation

**********
In appraisal meeting they will speak only about your weakness, errors and failures.

In resignation meeting they will speak only about your strengths, past achievements and success.

**********
In appraisal you may need to cry and beg for even 10% hike.

In resignation you can easily demand (or get even without asking) more than 50-60% hike.

**********
During appraisal, they will deny promotion saying you didn't meet the expectation, you don't have leadership qualities, and you had several drawbacks in our objective/goal.

During resignation, they will say you are the core member of team; you are the vision of the company how can you go, you have to take the project in shoulder and lead your juniors to success.

**********
There is 90% chance for not getting any significant incentives after appraisal.

There is 90% chance of getting immediate hike after you put the resignation.

**********
Trainee: "Yes boss enough, now I understood my future. For an appraisal I will have to resign ... !!!"

**********

Husband & Wife

Husband & Wife - Why divorce?

In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honor, I want to divorce my husband."

"But why ?" asked the judge. She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me."

The judge asked, "How do you know ?" She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."

*********
Husband & Wife - Love Your Enemy

From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Samy."

"Samy! But he is your enemy !" "Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."

*********
Husband & Wife - Wedding Ring

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? "

The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

*********
Husband & Wife - Why?

" Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms.

" Why, Dad ? Tell me why!" Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."

*********
Husband & Wife - Same Service

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking.

Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."

"Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"

*********
Husband & Wife - Talk About Husband

One woman told another : "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"

*********
Husband & Wife - Love To Do

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said,

"Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"

"I would love to." Replied the husband. "But I don't know her well enough."

*********
Husband & Wife - No Answer Back

A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her."

One of his friends asked."And when you are angry, what do you do?" The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.

*********
Husband & Wife - Come Home Late

A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.

"Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him.

"Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?" The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."

*********
Husband & Wife - Problem Father

"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?" He replied,

"I'm going to be a father." "But that's wonderful," I said. "What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet

*********

A gift to mom

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her thank you notes. "She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

For ur eyes only

Eyes Are the most complex organs you possess except for your brain.

Eyes Are composed of more than two million working parts.

Eyes Can process 36,000 bits of information every hour.

Eyes Under the right conditions, can discern the light of a candle at a distance of 14 miles.

Eyes Contribute towards 85% of your total knowledge.

Eyes Utilize 65% of all the pathways to the brain.

Eyes Can instantaneously set in motion hundreds of muscles and organs in your body.

Eyes In a normal life-span, will bring you almost 24 million images of the world around you.

Eyes The external muscles that move the eyes are the strongest muscles in the human body for the job that they have to do. They are 100 times more powerful than they need to be.

Eyes The adult eyeball measures about 1 inch (2.5 cm) in diameter. Of its total surface area only one-sixth is exposed -- the front portion.

Eyes The eye is the only part of the human body that can function at 100% ability at any moment, day or night, without rest. Your eyelids need rest, the external muscles of your eyes need rest, the lubrication of your eyes requires replenishment, but your eyes themselves "never" need rest. But please rest them!

Eyes Eyes are your most precious sense... care for them properly!

******

Its all about Wives

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.

************
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

************
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

************
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."

I asked her, "Where's the car?"

She replied, "In the lake."

************
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

************
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

************
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.

So I got myself two girlfriends.

************
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

************
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

************
A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."

The next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same: "You can have mine."

*************
It's not true that married men live longer than single men.

It only seems longer.

*************
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

*************
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.

The man thinks for a moment and says, Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."

**************
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

**************

Top 10 Most Stupid Questions

Top 10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations :

1.) At the movies:

When you meet acquaintances/ friends.. .....

Stupid Question :- Hey, what are you doing here?

Answer :- Don't u know, I sell tickets in black over here..

******
2.) In the bus:

A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...

Stupid Question :- Sorry, did that hurt?

Answer :- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.. ...why don't you try again.

******
3.) At a funeral:

One of the teary-eyed people ask...

Stupid Question :- Why, why him, of all people.

Answer :- Why? Would it rather have been you?

******
4.) At a restaurant:

When you ask the waiter

Stupid Question :- Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" good??

Answer :- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.

******
5.) At a family get-together:

When some distant aunt meets you after years

Stupid Question :- Munna,Chickoo, you've become so big.

Answer :- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

******
6.) When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...

Stupid Question :- Is the guy you're marrying good?

Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating ,insensitive lout...it's just the money.

******
7.) When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...

Stupid Question :- Sorry. Were you sleeping?

Answer :- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or

Not. You thought I was sleeping.... You dumb witted moron.

******
8.) When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...

Stupid Question :- Hey have you had a haircut?

Answer :- No, its autumn and I'm shedding.... ..

******
9.) At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...

Stupid Question :- Tell me if it hurts?

Answer :- No it wont. It will just bleed.

******
10.) You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your office asks...

Stupid Question :- Oh, so you smoke.

Answer :- Gosh, it's a miracle ...........it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

******

Peg after peg

I never take risk while drinking

When I come from office in the evening, wife is cooking

I can hear the noise of utensils in the kitchen

I stealthily enter the house

Take out the bottle from my black cupboard

Shivaji Maharaj is looking at me from the photo frame

But still no one is aware of it

Becoz I never take a risk

I take out the glass from the rack above the old sink

Quickly enjoy one peg

Wash the glass and again keep it on the rack

Of course I also keep the bottle inside my cupboard

Shivaji Maharaj is giving a smile

I peep into the kitchen

Wife is cutting potatoes

No one is aware of what I did

Becoz I never take a risk

I: Any news on Chopra's daughter's marriage

Wife: Nope, she doesn't seem to be that lucky. Still they are looking out for her

I again come out; there is a small noise of the black cupboard

But I don't make any sound while taking out the bottle

I take out the glass from the old rack above sink

Quickly enjoy one peg

Wash the bottle and keep it in the sink

Also keep the Black Glass in the cupboard

But still no one is aware of what I did

Becoz I never take a risk

I: But still I think Chopra's daughter's age is not that much

Wife: What are you saying? She is 28 yrs old... Like an aged horse

I: (I forgot her age is 28) Oh Oh...

I again take out potatoes out from my black cupboard

But the cupboard's place has automatically changed

I take out the bottle from the rack and quickly enjoy one peg in the sink

Shivaji Maharaj laughs loudly

I keep the rack in the potatoes & wash Shivaji Maharaj's photo & keep

It in the black cupboard

Wife is keeping the sink on the stove

But still no one is aware of what I did

Becoz I never take a risk

I: (getting angry) you call Mr. Chopra a horse? If you say that again,

I will cut your tongue...!

Wife: Don't just blabber something, go out and sit quietly...

I take out the bottle from the potatoes

Go in the black cupboard and enjoy a peg

Wash the sink and keep it over the rack

Wife is giving a smile

Shivaji Maharaj is still cooking

But still no one is aware of what I did

Becoz I never take a risk

I: (laughing) So Chopra is marrying a horse!!

Wife: Hey go and sprinkle some water on your face...

I again go to the kitchen, and quietly sit on the rack

Stove is also on the rack

There is a small noise of bottles from the room outside

I peep and see that wife is enjoying a peg in the sink

But none of the horses are aware of what I did

Becoz Shivaji Maharaj never takes a risk

Chopra is still cooking

And I am looking at my wife from the photo and laughing

Becoz I never take Risk ...

*******

A DRUNK ON THE BUS

A drunk gets on a bus. The driver, impatient while the drunk fumbles in his pocket for change, drives off. As the bus starts rolling, the drunk reacts to the sudden movement by stumbling all the way to the back of the bus. The bus stops at the next stop.

He reacts by stumbling to the front of the bus.

Still the drunk man is fumbling in his pocket for change. The bus jerks forward once again, and the drunk stumbles uncontrollably to the back of the bus once again. Next stop, the same thing happens.

In fact, every time the bus stops, the man would stagger to the front. Every time the bus starts, he staggers uncontrollably to the back.

A few stops later, the drunk starts to exit the bus from the front.

"Hey," shouts the bus driver.... "You didn't pay your fare yet!"

The drunk, still reeling, shouts back,

"Why should I?!. . . I walked all the way!"

Living in 2008

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played Solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't#9 on this list

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to.

******

Worth

Horror gripped the heart of a World War-I soldier, as he saw his lifelong friend fall in battle. The soldier asked his Lieutenant if he could go out to bring his fallen comrade back.

"You can go," said the Lieutenant," but don't think it will be worth it.

Your friend is probably dead and you may throw your life away."

"The Lieutenant's words didn't matter, and the soldier went anyway.

Miraculously, he managed to reach his friend, hoisted him onto his shoulder and brought him back to their company's trench. The officer checked the wounded soldier, then looked kindly at his friend.

"I told you it wouldn't be worth it," he said. "Your friend is dead and you are mortally wounded."

"It was worth it, Sir," said the soldier.

"What do you mean by worth it?" responded the Lieutenant. "Your friend is dead."

"Yes Sir," the soldier answered,

"but it was worth it because when I got to him, he was still alive and I had the satisfaction of hearing him say....

"Jim...I knew you'd come."

*******
Many times in life, whether a thing is worth doing or not, really depends on how u look at it.

Take up all your courage and do something your heart tells you to do so that you may not regret not doing it later in your life........

*******

CLEAN AND STRESS RELIEVING HUMOUR

(Written by kids)

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

- Alan, age 10

*********
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.

- Kristen, age 10

*********
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.

- Camille, age 10

*********
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

- Derrick, age 8

*********
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.

- Lori, age 8

*********
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

*********
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

- Martin, age 10

*********
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.

- Craig, age 9

*********
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.

- Pam, age 7 (smart girl)

*********
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.

- Curt, age 7

*********
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.

- Howard, age 8

*********
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.

- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

*********
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T G ET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

- Kelvin, age 8

*********
And the #1 Favorite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.

- Ricky, age 10

*********

Send it to your boss

People who do lots of work...
Make lots of mistakes

People who do less work...
Make less mistakes

People who do no work...
Make no mistakes

People who make no mistakes...
Gets promoted

That's why I spend most of my time
Sending e-mails & playing games at work , I need a promotion.

**********

Wasted Suicide

A blonde, socially ridiculed decided to hang herself from a tree in the park and commit suicide.

A little bit later, an old lady walked around noticed her hanging from the rope and swinging.

She asked her what she was doing and if she needed any help.

The blonde firmly replied, "I am committing suicide by hanging."

The old lady says, "You are doing it wrong sweetie, put the noose around your neck not the Waist."

The blonde responses, "Ya giving me trouble again, I tried that, "but I could not breathe."

..........................................................................

Women are evil

Women are evil if they don't get what they need....

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. 'Actually, no,' he replied.

'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do?'

'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued,

Running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.

'Tell him, There's no toilet paper, hand soap or paper towels in the ladies room.'

..........................................................................

Job titles

In line with our constitution and to eliminate discrimination in our society, the following titles will now be used for these jobs:

*******
Garden Boy - Landscape Executive and Animal Nutritionist

*******
House Maid - Family Environs Upkeep Manager

*******
Typist - Printed Document Handler

*******
Messenger - Business Communications Conveyer

*******
Window Cleaner - A Transparent Wall Technician

*******
Tea Boy - Refreshments Overseer

*******
Garbage Collector - Public Sanitation Technicians

*******
Watchman - Theft Prevention and Surveillance Officer or Wealth Distribution Prevention Officer

*******
Prostitute - Practical Sexual Relations Demonstrator

*******
Thief - Wealth Distribution Officer

*******
Receptionist - Office Access Control Specialist

*******
Cook - Food Preparation Officer

*******
Office Orderly - Office Administration Facilitator

*******
Cleaner - Office Hygiene Control Specialist

*******

17 Rules Between Men and Women

1. The Female always makes THE RULES.

2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.

3. No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some or all of THE RULES.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.

7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The Female can change her mind at any given time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written consent of The Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.

14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.

15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks ackbone, and is a wimp.

16. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.

17. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5

Whom to blame

Boy was born to a couple after eleven years of marriage.

They were a Loving couple and the boy was the gem of their eyes.

When the boy was Around two years old, one morning the husband saw a medicine bottle Open.

He was late for office so he asked his wife to cap the bottle and keep It in the cupboard. His wife, preoccupied in the kitchen totally forgot The matter.

The boy saw the bottle and playfully went to the bottle fascinated by Its colour and drank it all.

It happened to be a poisonous medicine Meant for adults in small dosages. When the child collapsed the mother Hurried him to the hospital, where he died. The mother was stunned. She Was terrified how to face her husband.

When the distraught father came to the hospital and saw the dead child ,

He looked at his wife and uttered just five words.

QUESTIONS:

1. What were the five words?

2. What is the implication of this story?





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ANSWER :

The husband just said "I am with you Darling"

The husband's totally unexpected reaction is a proactive Behaviour.

The Child is dead. He can never be brought back to life.

There is no point In finding fault with the mother. Besides, if only he had taken time to Keep the bottle away, this would not have happened.

No one is to be blamed. She had also lost her only child. What she Needed at that moment was consolation and sympathy from the husband. That is what he gave her.

If everyone can look at life with this kind of perspective, there would Be much fewer problems in the world. "A journey of a thousand miles Begins with a single step." Take off all your envies, jealousies, Unforgiveness, selfishness, and fears. And you will find things are Actually not as difficult as you think.

MORAL OF THE STORY

Sometimes we spend time in asking who is responsible or whom to blame, Whether in a relationship, in a job or with the people we know. By this Way we miss out some warmth in human relationship.

Appraisal letter : with encryption.....

Dear Manager (HR),

Vimal, my assistant programmer, can always be found

Hard at work in his cubicle. Vimal works independently, without

Wasting company time talking to colleagues. Vimal never

Thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always

Finishes given assignments on time. Often Vimal takes extended

Measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee

Breaks. Vimal is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no

Vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

Knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Vimal can be

Classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be

Dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Vimal be

Promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

Sent away as soon as possible.

Signed - Project Leader

NB: That stupid idiot was reading over my shoulder when I wrote the report

Sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd lines (1, 3, 5, 7, 9,11, 13)

For my true assessment of him.

***********

Custody Battle

A Gujarati couple in court was fighting for the custody of a son.

Husband: Chokro Maro Che!

Wife: Wah Kamaal! Tapeli Mari, Dudh Maru, Ek Tipu Merwan Maryu Etle Dahi Taru Thayu, Em?

I have upgreded girlfriend to wife

What if u upgraded Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0 : )

--------------------------------
Dear Tech Support Team:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.

I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processes that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities.

Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, BeerWithBuddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.

I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall' doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!

Thanks,
"A Troubled User"


REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that people complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0.

It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this. (Look in your Wife 1.0 Manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support) .

I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment.

I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5 .

Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Sarees 2.1 and Jewellery 5.0

STATUTORY WARNING : DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryWithShortSkirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support ...

Smile a while - Have fun

"YOU love someone

YOU marry someone else.

The one you marry becomes your wife or husband.

And the one you loved becomes the password of your mail id"

*********
There's only one perfect child in the world & every mother has it.

There's only one perfect wife in the world & every neighbor has it.

*********
Three dreams of a man:

To be as handsome as his mother thinks.
To be as rich as his child believes.
To have as many women as his wife suspects...

*********
Husband & wife are like liver and kidney. Husband is liver & wife Kidney.

If liver fails, kidney fails. If kidney fails, liver manages with other kidney.

*********
Generation Next Motto Na hum shaadi karenge, na apne bachchon ko Karne denge.:

*********
What's the difference between Dava & Daru?

Dava is like girlfriend, that comes with expiry date and

Daru is like wife, Jitni purani hogi utni sir Chad ke bolegi.

*********

The Perfect Heart ....

One day a young man was standing in the middle of the town proclaiming that he had the most beautiful heart in the whole valley.

A large crowd gathered and they all admired his heart for it was perfect. There was not a mark or a flaw in it.

Yes, they all agreed it truly was the most beautiful heart they had ever seen. The young man was very proud and boasted more loudly about his beautiful heart. Suddenly, an old man appeared at the front of the crowd and said,

"Why your heart is not nearly as beautiful as mine." The crowd and the young man looked at the old man's heart. It was beating strongly, but full of scars, it had places where pieces had been removed and other pieces put in, but they didn't fit quite right and there were several jagged edges.

In fact, in some places there were deep gouges where whole pieces were missing.

The people stared -- how can he say his heart is more beautiful, they thought? The young man looked at the old man's heart and saw its state and laughed. "You must be joking," he said. "Compare your heart with mine, mine is perfect and yours is a mess of scars and tears."

"Yes," said the old man, "yours is perfect looking but I would never trade with you. You see, every scar represents a person to whom I have given my love - I tear out a piece of my heart and give it to them, and often they give me a piece of their heart which fits into the empty place in my heart, but because the pieces aren't exact, I have some rough edges, which I cherish, because they remind me of the love we shared. Sometimes I have given pieces of my heart away, and the other person hasn't returned a piece of his heart to me.

These are the empty gouges -- giving love is taking a chance. Although these gouges are painful, they stay open, reminding me of the love I have for these people too, and I hope someday they may return and fill the space I have waiting. So now do you see what true beauty is?"

The young man stood silently with tears running down his cheeks. He walked up to the old man, reached into his perfect young and beautiful heart, and ripped a piece out.

He offered it to the old man with trembling hands. The old man took his offering, placed it in his heart and then took a piece from his old scarred heart and placed it in the wound in the young man's heart. It fit,

But not perfectly, as there were some jagged edges. The young man looked at his heart, not perfect anymore but more beautiful than ever, since love from the old man's heart flowed into his. They embraced and walked away side by side.

Read it with a pinch of salt

Not to offend anyone…….. Read it with a pinch of salt!! ( Funny )

Bengali

One Bengali = poet.

Two Bengalis = a film society.

Three Bengalis = political party.

Four Bengalis = two political parties.

More than four Bengali's = Countrywide agitation to bring Ganguli into Team

**********
Bihari

One Bihari = Laloo Prasad Yadav.

Two Biharis = booth-capturing squad.

Three Biharis = caste killing.

Four Biharis = entire literate population of Patna ...

**********
Punjabi

One Punjabi =100 kg hulk named Pinky.

Two Punjabis = Pinky with his bigger brother Twinky.

Three Punjabis = assault on the McAloo Tikkis at the local McDonalds.

Four Punjabis = combined IQ equal to one.

**********
Mallu

One Mallu = coconut stall.

Two Mallus = a boat race.

Three Mallus = Gulf job racket.

Four Mallus = oil slick.

**********
UP Bhaiyya

One UP bhaiyya = a milkman.

Two UP bhaiyyas = halwai shop.

Three UP bhaiyyas = a fist-fight in the UP assembly.

Four UP bhaiyyas = mosque-destruction squad.

**********
Gujju

One Gujju = share-broker in a Bombay train.

Two Gujjus = rummy game in a Bombay train.

Three Gujjus = Bombay 's noisiest restaurant.

Four Gujjus = stock market scam.

**********
Andhraite

One Andhraite = chili farmer.

Two Andhraites = software company in New Jersey ..

Three Andhraites = Naxalite outfit.

Four Andhraites = song-and-dance number in a Telugu movie.

**********
Kashmiri

One Kashmiri = carpet salesman.

Two Kashmiris = carpet factory.

Three Kashmiris = terrorist outfit.

Four Kashmiris = shoot-at-sight order.

**********
Tamil-Brahmin

One Tam-Brahm = priest at the Vardarajaperumal temple.

Two Tam-Brahms = Maths tuition class.

Three Tam-Brahms = Queue outside the U.S consulate at 4 a.m.

Four Tam-Brahms = Thyagaraja music festival in Santa Clara

**********
Mumbaikar

One Mumbaikar = footpath vada-pav stall.

Two Mumbaikars= film studio.

Three Mumbaikars = slum.

Four Mumbaikars = The number of people standing on your foot in the train at rush hour.

**********
Sindhi

One Sindhi = currency racket.

Two Sindhis = papad factory.

Three Sindhis = duplicate goods shop in Ulhasnagar ...

Four Sindhis = Hong Kong Retail Traders Association.

**********
Marwari

One Marwari = The neighbourhood foodstuffs adulterator.

Two Marwaris = 50% of Calcutta

Three Marwaris = Finish off all Gujaratis & Sindhis.

Four Marwaris = Threaten the Jews as a community.

**********
Haryanvi

One Haryanavi = tube light

Two Haryanavi = agriculture

Three Haryannavi= Lathi squad

Four Haryanavi = actually just one was enough

**********

Good Corn....

There was a farmer who grew superior quality and award-winning corn.

Each year he entered his corn in the state fair where it won honour and prizes.

One year a newspaper reporter interviewed him and learnt something interesting about how he grew it.

The reporter discovered that the farmer shared his seed corn with his neighbors.

"How can you afford to share your best seed corn with your neighbors when they are entering corn in competition with yours each year?" the reporter asked.

"Why sir," said the farmer, "didn't you know? The wind picks up pollen from the ripening corn and swirls it from field to field.

If my neighbors grow inferior, sub-standard and poor quality corn, cross-pollination will steadily degrade the quality of my corn.

If I am to grow good corn, I must help my neighbours grow good corn."

The farmer gave a superb insight into the connectedness of life. His corn cannot improve unless his neighbour's corn also improves.

So it is in other dimensions! Those who choose to be at harmony must help their neighbours and colleagues to be at peace,

Those who choose to live well must help others to live well, for the value of a life is measured by the lives it touches.

And those who choose to be happy must help others to find happiness for the welfare of each is bound up with the welfare of all.

If we are to grow good quality corn, we must help our neighbors grow good quality corn too....

What is knowledge

During work, Raman and Narayan were chatting:

Raman: Narain, I've been attending night classes for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.
Narayan: oh!

Raman: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?
Narayan: No
Raman: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night Courses you would know this.

The next day, the same discussion took place:

Raman: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?
Narayan: No
Raman: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.

The next day, once again:

Raman: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?
Narayan: No
Raman: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this.

This time, Narayan got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is Balakrishnan Kuppuswamy?
Raman: No
Narayan: He's the guy roaming with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know.

Do Telemarketers Bug You???

Do you get lots of annoying calls from telemarketers?

Don't get upset about it! Use the opportunity to get a laugh!

*******
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

*******
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.

*******
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name.

Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

*******
4. If they are selling a lawn service to make your grass grow better, tell them it grows to fast now and green is not your favorite color anyway.

*******
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

*******
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak.

This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

*******
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"

*******
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?

*******
9. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you.

When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

*******
10. Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.

*******
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream "Oh No!" and then hang up.

*******
12. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

*******
13. Tell them it is dinnertime, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure.

Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

*******
14. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some food.

*******
15. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

*******
16. Ask the telemarketer if they use the product they are trying to sell.

If they do, ask for a complete report. If they don't, ask them why not since it is such a great product.

*******
17. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke.

"Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

*******
18. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up ...louder...louder...louder...

******
19. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

*******
20. Tell them that you are busy and ask for their phone number so you can call them back.

If they say that they don't give out their phone number or they don't take calls, then ask for the caller's personal phone number at home.

If then they say that they don't like being called at home, quickly say "Bingo!" and hang up.

*******

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KiranKumar Roy
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