Quote of the Day

90 Nature Quotations

"Nature is the art of God. "
- Dante Alighieri
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"The miracles of nature do not seem miracles because they are so common. If no one had ever seen a flower, even a dandelion would be the most startling event in the world."
- Anonymous
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"There is a wonderful law of nature that the three things we crave most- happiness, freedom, and peace of mind- are always attained by giving them to someone else. "
-Anonymous
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"Our understandings are always liable to error Nature and certainty are very hard to come at, and infallibility is mere vanity and pretense "
- Marcus Antoninus
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"Nature does nothing uselessly. "
- Aristotle
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"If one way be better than another, that you may be sure is Nature's way. "
- Aristotle
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"In all things of nature there is something of the marvellous. "
- Aristotle
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"A true conservationist is a man who knows that the world is not given by his fathers but borrowed from his children. "
- John James Audubon
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"They are much to be pitied who have not been… given a taste for nature early in life."
- Jane Austin
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"Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed. "
- Francis Bacon
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"Great things are done when men and mountains meet. "
- William Blake
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"The tree which moves some to tears of joy is in the eyes of others only a green thing that stands in the way. Some see nature all ridicule and deformity ... and some scarce see nature at all. But to the eyes of the man of imagination, nature is imagination itself."
- William Blake
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"Nature is the art of God. "
- Thomas Browne
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"Man masters nature not by force but by understanding. "
- Jacob Brownowski
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"Nature often holds up a mirror so we can see more clearly the ongoing processes of growth, renewal, and transformation in our lives."
- Mary Ann Brussat
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"Give me a spark of Nature's fire. That's all the learning I desire. "
- Robert Burns
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"I go to nature to be soothed and healed, and to have my senses put in tune once more. "
- John Burroughs
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"Nature teaches more than she preaches. There are no sermons in stones. It is easier to get a spark out of a stone than a moral. "
- John Burroughs
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"Autumn is a second spring when every leaf's a flower. "
- Albert Camus
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"It is a wholesome and necessary thing for us to turn again to the earth and in the contemplation of her beauties to know the sense of wonder and humility. "
- Rachel Carson
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"In every out thrust headland, in every curving beach, in every grain of sand there is a story of the earth. "
- Rachel Carson
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"The most alarming of all man's assaults upon the environment is the contamination of air, earth, rivers, and sea with dangerous and even lethal materials. This pollution is for the most part irrecoverable; the chain of evil it initiates not only in the world that must support life but in living tissues is for the most part irreversible. In this now universal contamination of the environment, chemicals are the sinister and little-recognized partners of radiation in changing the very nature of the world - the very nature of its life. "
- Rachel Carson 1962
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"Those who contemplate the beauty of the earth find reserves of strength that will endure as long as life lasts. "
- Rachel Carson
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"Nothing is more beautiful than the loveliness of the woods before sunrise. "
- George Washington Carver
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"Like music and art, love of nature is a common language that can transcend political or social boundaries."
- Jimmy Carter
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"It is good to realize that if love and peace can prevail on earth, and if we can teach our children to honor nature's gifts, the joys and beauties of the outdoors will be here forever."
- Jimmy Carter
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"Young people, I want to beg of you always keep your eyes open to what Mother Nature has to teach you. By so doing you will learn many valuable things every day of your life. "
- George Washington Carver
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"The boughs of no two trees ever have the same arrangement. Nature always produces individuals; she never produces classes. "
- Lydia Maria Child
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"Human judges can show mercy. But against the laws of nature, there is no appeal. "
- Arthur C. Clarke
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"The earth laughs in flowers. "
- e.e. cummings
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"All my life through, the new sights of nature made me rejoice like a child. "
- Marie Curie
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"Thus nature has no love for solitude, and always leans, as it were, on so support; and the sweetest support is found in the most intimate friendship "
- Marcus Tullius Cicero
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"If I have learned nothing else in all these months in the woods, I have thoroughly learned to keep hands off the processes of nature."
- Laura Lee Davidson
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"Let us permit nature to have her way. She understands her business better than we do. "
- Michel de Montaigne
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"Every flower is a soul blossoming in Nature. "
- Gerard De Nerval
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"Joy in looking and comprehending is nature's most beautiful gift. "
- Albert Einstein
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"The laws of nature are but the mathematical thoughts of God."
- Euclid
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"Nature always wears the colors of the spirit."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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"A friend might well be reckoned the masterpiece of nature. "
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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"Nature and Books belong to the eyes that see them. "
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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"The method of nature: who could ever analyze it? "
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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"When Nature has work to be done, she creates a genius to do it "
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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"All sensible people are selfish, and nature is tugging at every contract to make the terms of it fair. "
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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"All nature wears one universal grin. "
- Henry Fielding
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"If you poison the environment, the environment will poison you. "
- Tony Follari
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"Nature is always hinting at us. It hints over and over again. And suddenly we take the hint. "
- Robert Frost
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"Nature is trying very hard to make us succeed, but nature does not depend on us. We are not the only experiment. "
- R. Buckminster Fuller
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"Be like the flower, turn your faces to the sun. "
- Kahlil Gibran
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"And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair. "
- Kahlil Gibran
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"I believe in rain, in odd miracles, in the intelligence that allows terns and swallows to find their way across Earth. "
- Paul Hawkins
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"You can't just let nature run wild. "
- Wally Hickel
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"Nature yields her most profound secrets to the person who is determined to uncover them."
- Napoleon Hill
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"Nature cannot be tricked or cheated. She will give up to you the object of your struggles only after you have paid her price. "
- Napoleon Hill
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"The supernatural is the natural not yet understood. "
- Elbert Hubbard
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"Sit down before fact like a little child, and be prepared to give up every preconceived notion. Follow humbly wherever and to whatever abyss Nature leads, or you shall learn nothing."
- Thomas H. Huxley
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"There is not a sprig of grass that shoots uninteresting to me. "
- Thomas Jefferson
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"Deviation from nature is deviation from happiness. "
- Samuel Johnson
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"I look at an ant and I see myself: a native South African, endowed by nature with a strength much greater than my size so I might cope with the weight of a racism that crushes my spirit. "
- Miriam Makeba
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"Weeds are flowers too, once you get to know them "
- A. A. Milne Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh
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"In every walk with Nature one receives far more than he seeks."
-John Muir
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"Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop off like autumn leaves. "
- John Muir
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"Let children walk with Nature, let them see the beautiful blendings and communions of death and life, their joyous inseparable unity, as taught in woods and meadows, plains and mountains and streams of our blessed star, and they will learn that death is stingless indeed, and as beautiful as life. "
- John Muir
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"Nature is always lovely, invincible, glad, whatever is done and suffered by her creatures. All scars she heals, whether in rocks or water or sky or hearts."
- John Muir
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"The mountains are fountains of men as well as of rivers, of glaciers, of fertile soil. The great poets, philosophers, prophets, able men whose thought and deeds have moved the world, have come down from the mountains."
- John Muir
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"Hope is nature's veil for hiding truth's nakedness. "
- Alfred Bernhard Nobel
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"A flower touches everyone's heart. "
- Georgia O'Keefe
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"Like water, be gentle and strong. Be gentle enough to follow the natural paths of the earth, and strong enough to rise up and reshape the world. "
- Brenda Peterson
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"You cannot hold back a good laugh any more than you can the tide. Both are forces of nature."
- William Rotsler
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"Except for children (who don't know enough not to ask the important questions), few of us spend time wondering why nature is the way it is."
- Carl Sagan
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"If all flowers wanted to be roses, nature would lose her springtime beauty, and the fields would no longer be decked, out with little wildflowers. "
- Saint Therese of Lisieux
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"One touch of nature makes the whole world kin. "
- William Shakespeare
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"What nature delivers to us is never stale. Because what nature creates has eternity in it."
- Isaac Bashevis Singer
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"See one promontory, one mountain, one sea, one river and see all. "
- Socrates
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"A single sunbeam is enough to drive away many shadows. "
- St. Francis of Assisi
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"Wildness can be a way of reassuring ourselves of our sanity as creatures, a part of the geography of hope. "
- Wallace Stenger
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"The best things in life are nearest: Breath in your nostrils, light in your eyes, flowers at your feet, duties at your hand, the path of right just before you. Then do not grasp at the stars, but do life's plain, common work as it comes, certain that daily duties and daily bread are the sweetest things in life. "
- Robert Louis Stevenson
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"Nature is man's teacher. She unfolds her treasures to his search, unseals his eye, illumes his mind, and purifies his heart; an influence breathes from all the sights and sounds of her existence. "
- Alfred Billings Street
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"There are for starters, grandeur and silence, pure water and clean air. There is also the gift of distance … the chance to stand away from relationships and daily ritual … and the gift of energy. Wilderness infuses us with its own special brand of energy."
- Lynn Thomas
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"Nature is slow, but sure; she works no faster than need be; she is the tortoise that wins the race by her perseverance. "
- Henry David Thoreau
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"Only nature has a right to grieve perpetually, for she only is innocent. Soon the ice will melt, and the blackbirds sing along the river which he frequented, as pleasantly as ever. The same everlasting serenity will appear in this face of God, and we will not be sorrowful, if he is not. "
- Henry David Thoreau upon the death of his brother
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"Nature will bear the closest inspection. She invites us to lay our eye level with her smallest leaf, and take an insect view of its plain. "
- Henry David Thoreau
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"The more we exploit nature, The more our options are reduced, until we have only one: to fight for survival. "
- Morris K. Udall
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"The more we are separated from nature, the unhappier we get. "
- Unknown
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"You can chase a butterfly all over the field and never catch it. But if you sit quietly in the grass it will come and sit on your shoulder. "
- Unknown
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"The worse I get along with people the more I learn to have faith in Nature and concentrate on her. "
- Vincent Van Gogh
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"Nature's music is never over; her silences are pauses, not conclusions. "
- Mary Webb
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"I believe a leaf of grass is no less than the journey-work of the stars. "
- Walt Whitman
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"Anybody can sympathise with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathise with a friend's success. "
- Oscar Wilde
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"Nature knows no pause in progress and development, and attaches her curse on all inaction. "
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
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"Nature reacts not only to physical disease, but also to moral weakness; when the danger increases; she gives us greater courage "
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
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BLONDE'S YEAR IN REVIEW

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

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February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....

Helllloooo!! !.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!! !

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March - Got really excited..... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months....box said "2-4 years!"

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April - Trapped on escalator for hours..... Power went out!!!

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May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.... .wrong instructions. ... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

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June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

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July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition. ....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

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August - Got locked out of my car in rainstorm... ..car swamped because soft-top was open.

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September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

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October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

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November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.

Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

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December - Couldn't call 911...."duh"........ there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

What a year!!

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The Dreams

The first day of school our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn't already know. I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder. I turned around to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that that lit up her entire being.

She said, "Hi, handsome. My name is Rose. I'm eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?" I laughed and enthusiastically responded, "Of course you may!" and she gave me a giant squeeze.

"Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?" I asked.

She jokingly replied, "I'm here to meet a rich husband, get married, have a couple of children, and then retire and travel."

"No seriously," I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age.

"I always dreamed of having a college education and now I'm getting one!" she told me.

After class we walked to the student union building and share a chocolate milkshake. We became instant friends. Every day for the next three months we would leave class together and talk nonstop. I was always mesmerized listening to this "time machine" as she shared her wisdom and experience with me.

Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she easily made friends wherever she went. She loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students. She was living it up.

At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet. I'll never forget what she taught us. She was introduced and stepped up to the podium. As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the floor. Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said, "I'm sorry I'm so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me! I'll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell you what I know."

As we laughed she cleared her throat and began: "We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing. There are only few secrets to staying young, being happy, and achieving success. "You have to laugh and find humor every day. You've got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die. We have so many people walking around who are dean and don't even know it!"

"There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up. If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don't do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old. If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty-eight. Anybody can grow older. That doesn't take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding the opportunity in change."

"Have no regrets. The elderly usually don't have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those with regrets."

She concluded her speech by courageously singing The Rose. She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives. At the years end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those years ago.

One week after graduation Rose died peacefully in her sleep.

Remember : GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY, GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.

The Touchstone

When the great library of Alexandria burned, the story goes, one book was saved. But it was not a valuable book; and so a poor man, who could read a little, bought it for a few coppers.

The book wasn't very interesting, but between its pages there was something very interesting indeed. It was a thin strip of vellum on which was written the secret of the "Touchstone"!

The touchstone was a small pebble that could turn any common metal into pure gold. The writing explained that it was lying among thousands and thousands of other pebbles that looked exactly like it. But the secret was this: The real stone would feel warm, while ordinary pebbles are cold.

So the man sold his few belongings, bought some simple supplies, camped on the seashore, and began testing pebbles. He knew that if he picked up ordinary pebbles and threw them down again because they were cold, he might pick up the same pebble hundreds of times. So, when he felt one that was cold, he threw it into the sea. He spent a whole day doing this but none of them was the touchstone. Yet he went on and on this way. Pick up a pebble. Cold - throw it into the sea. Pick up another. Throw it into the sea.

The days stretched into weeks and the weeks into months. One day, however, about midafternoon, he picked up a pebble and it was warm. He threw it into the sea before he realized what he had done. He had formed such a strong habit of throwing each pebble into the sea that when the one he wanted came along, he still threw it away.

So it is with opportunity. Unless we are vigilant, it's easy to fail to recognize an opportunity when it is in hand and it's just as easy to throw it away.

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal! to kill them.

4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck- is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18 . Procrastinate Now!

19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Words to live by Zen Sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

And finally GOD created MAN

GOD created the DONKEY and told him, 'You will work tireless from sunrise up to sunset, carrying heavy bags on your back, you will eat grass. You will not have intelligence and you will live 50 years. You will be a DONKEY!'

The DONKEY answered, 'I will be a DONKEY, but living 50 years is too much, give me only 20 years!' and GOD gave him 20 years.

GOD created DOG and told him ' You will look after man's house, you will be his best friend, you will eat whatever they give you and you will live 25years, You will be a DOG!'

The DOG answered 'GOD, living 25 years is too much, give only 10 years!' and GOD gave him 10 years.

GOD created the MONKEY and told him, 'you will jump from branch to branch you will do silly things, you will be amusing and you will live 20 years, you will be a MONKEY!'

The MONKEY answered ' GOD, living 20 years is too much , give me only 10 years!' and GOD gave him 10 years.

Finally,

GOD created MAN and told him, 'you will be a MAN the only rational being on this earth and you will use your intelligence to control other animals, you will dominate the world and you will live for 20 years.

The MAN answered, GOD I will be a man but living 20 years is not enough, why don't you give me the 30 years that the DONKEY refused, the 15 years that the DOG didn't want and the 10 years that the MONKEY refused ?'

That was exactly what GOD did, and since then:

MAN lives 20 years like a MAN, then he gets married and spends 30 years like a DONKEY, working and carrying the load on his back. Then, when his children leave he spends 15 years like DOG looking after the house and eating whatever is given to him. Then he gets old, retires and spends 10 years like a MONKEY, jumping from house to house or from children to children, doing silly things to amuse his grandchildren!

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No Pants

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed . The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.

Yard Sale

One day while passing a nursing home I noticed six old ladies lying naked on the grass.

I thought this was a bit unusual but I continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies laying on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the manager.

"Do you know there are six ladies laying naked on your front lawn?"

"Yes," he said. "They are retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale!"

What Men Really Mean

"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works.

"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"

"It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."

"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is."
"Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "...And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall right into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up!

Patient's cards

Actual writings on some patient's cards at Kenyatta Hospital

1. She has no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid .(!!)

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal over function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Wangui, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

English -- Briton Vs Asian

Who says our English is teruk.? Just see below - Ours is simple, short, concise, straight-to- point, effective etc........

WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
Asian : No Stock.

RETURNING A CALL
Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?
Asian : Hello, who page?

ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY .
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?
Asian : S-kew me

WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY
Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Asian : No-need, lah.

WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Asian : (pointing the door) can AR?

WHEN ENTERTAINING
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Asian : Don't be shy, lah!

WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.
Asian : Where got?

WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
Britons: I'd prefer not to do that, if you don't mind.
Asian : Don't want la...

IN DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION
Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about the issue.
Asian : You mad, ah?

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE.
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please ! Lower your voice, I'm trying to concentrate over here.
Asian : Shut up lah!

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE KNOWS YOU.
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time. Do I know you?
Asian : See what, see what?

WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION.
Britons: We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment.
Asian : Die-lah!!

WHEN TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED
Britons: Will someone tell me what has just happened?
Asian : Wat happen Why like that....

WHEN SOME ONE DID SOMETHING WRONG
Britons: This isn't the way to do it here let me show you,
Asian : like that also don't know how to do!!!!

WHEN ONE IS ANGRY
Britons: Would you mind not disturbing me
Asian : Celaka u

God is watching

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of an elementary school for lunch.
At a table was a large pile of apples.

A teacher made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples!"

TOP 10 WAYS TO HANDLE STRESS

1. Jam 39 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.

2. Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa.

3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.

4. When someone says, "Have a nice day," say you have other plans.

5. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.

6. Forget the Diet Center and send yourself a candygram.

7. Make a list of things to do that you've already done.

8. Dance naked in front of your pets.

9. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him off to preschool as if nothing were wrong.

10. Retaliate for tax woes by filling out your tax forms with Roman Numerals.

Why Wedding Dress is always WHITE

Son asked his mother:

"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies,

"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,

"Son, all household appliances come in white."

Sidhu one liners

That ball went so high it could have got an air hostess down with it.

There is light at the end of the tunnel for India, but it's that of an incoming train which will run them over.

Experience is like a comb that life gives you when you are bald.

This quote was made after Ganguly called Dravid for a run and midway sent him back and Dravid was runout in the third test against the West Indies at Barbados."Ganguly has thrown a drowning man both ends of the rope."

Sri Lankan score is running like an Indian taxi meter.

Statistics are like miniskirts, they reveal more than what they hide.

Wickets are like wives – you never know which way they will turn!

He is like Indian three-wheeler which will suck a lot of diesel but cannot go beyond 30!

The Indians are going to beat the Kiwis! Let me tell you, my friend, that the Kiwi is the only bird in the whole world which does not have wings!

As uncomfortable as a bum on a porcupine.

The ball whizzes past like a bumble bee and the Indians are in the sea.

The Indians are finding the gaps like a pin in a haystack.

The pitch is as dead as a dodo.

Deep Dasgupta is as confused as a child is in a topless bar!

The way Indian wickets are falling reminds of the cycle stand at Rajendra Talkies in Patiala…one falls and everything else falls!

Indian team without Sachin is like giving a Kiss without a Squeeze.

You cannot make Omelets without breaking the eggs.

Deep Dasgupta is not a Wicket Keeper, he is a goal keeper. He must be given a free transfer to Manchester United.

He will fight a rattlesnake and give it the first two bites too.

One, who doesn't throw the dice, can never expect to score a six.

This was uttered after Eddie Nichols, the third umpire, ruled Shivnarine Chanderpaul 'NOT OUT' in the second test at Port of Spain, T&T. "Eddie Nichols is a man who cannot find his own buttocks with his two hands."

Anybody can pilot a ship when the sea is calm.

Nobody travels on the road to success without a puncture or two.

You got to choose between tightening your belt or losing your pants.

The cat with gloves catches no mice.

Age has been perfect fire extinguisher for flaming youth.

You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.

He is like a one-legged man in a bum kicking competition.

The third umpires should be changed as often as nappies and for the same reason

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