Quote of the Day

Marvel that is an Engineer - The Great

[1] Marvel that is an Engineer - Practical

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway.

[2] Marvel that is an Engineer - Exact

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

[3] Marvel that is an Engineer - Discriminative

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

[4] Marvel that is an Engineer - Probing Mind

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

[5] Marvel that is an Engineer - Detailed

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints. "Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer.

The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections. The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

[6] Marvel that is an Engineer - Perfectionist

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it is perfect, then expand it and add more features until it breaks.

[7] Marvel that is an Engineer - Values

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[8] Marvel that is an Engineer - Resilient

Cold of Economy gives them Pneumonia yet they survive and flourish everywhere.

Mans regret

1. U love sum1....U marry some1 else.
The 1 u marry....becomes ur wife or husband.
N the 1 u loved .....becomes the password of ur mail id

2. There's only 1 perfect child in the world & every mother has it.
There's only 1 perfect wife in the world & every neighbor has it.

3. Three dreams of a man:
To b as handsome as his mother thinks.
To b as rich as his child believes.
To have as many women as his wife suspects...

4. Husband & wife r like liver and kidney. Husband is liver & wife kidney.
If liver fails, kidney fails. If kidney fails, liver manages with other kidney.

5. Generation Next Motto: Na hum shaadi karenge, na apne bachun ko karne deinge.

6. What's the diff between Dava &d Daru?
Dava is like girlfriend, that comes with expiry date.
Daru is like wife, Jitni purani hogi utna sir Chad ke bolegi.

7. Wife ko Begum q kehte hain?
Qk shadi k bad sare gum to husband ke hisse me ate hain or wife Be-Gum ho jati hay.

Freshmen versus seniors

Freshman: Is never in bed past noon.
Senior: Is never out of bed before noon.

Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut.
Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend.

Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation class.

Freshman: Calls the professor "Teacher."
Senior: Calls the professor "Bob."

Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Senior: Drives to class if it's more than three blocks away.

Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Senior: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade.

Freshman: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
Senior: Knows where the next class is. Usually.

Freshman: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Senior: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand.

Freshman: Has to ask where the computer labs are.
Senior: Has own personal workstation.

Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.
Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October... Maybe.

Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year.
Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year.

Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm
Senior: Is proud of not quite failing his Complex Analysis midterm

Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night
Senior: Calls Domino's every other night

Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of professors
Senior: Is appalled that the campus 'Subway' burned down over the summer

Freshman: Conscientiously completes all homework, including optional questions
Senior: Homework? I knew I forgot to do something last night

Freshman: Goes on grocery-shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus
Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving into group house

Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand one's horizons and really make a contribution to society
Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room

Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class
Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of classFreshman: Is never in bed past noon.
Senior: Is never out of bed before noon.

Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut.
Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend.

Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation class.

Freshman: Calls the professor "Teacher."
Senior: Calls the professor "Bob."

Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Senior: Drives to class if it's more than three blocks away.

Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Senior: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade.

Freshman: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
Senior: Knows where the next class is. Usually.

Freshman: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Senior: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand.

Freshman: Has to ask where the computer labs are.
Senior: Has own personal workstation.

Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.
Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October... Maybe.

Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year.
Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year.

Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm
Senior: Is proud of not quite failing his Complex Analysis midterm

Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night
Senior: Calls Domino's every other night

Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of professors
Senior: Is appalled that the campus 'Subway' burned down over the summer

Freshman: Conscientiously completes all homework, including optional questions
Senior: Homework? I knew I forgot to do something last night

Freshman: Goes on grocery-shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus
Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving into group house

Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational Opportunities, the chance to expand one's horizons and really make a contribution to society
Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room

Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class
Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class.

REACTIONS TO THE STOCK MARKET CRASH

THE STOCK market rollercoaster has left many people dazed and confused, if not broke. Hindustan Times decided to ask some of the finest minds around about what they thought of the crash, boom, bang on the BSE.

MANEKA GANDHI: What did you expect! I have it from reliable sources that those stupid brokers had been running a bull market, alternating it with a bear market. Disgusting! Serves them right.

BAL THACKERAY: It's providence. The government should have renamed the BSE the Chhatrapati Shivaji Stock Exchange. Fits in nicely in the area too, since it's pretty close to the Chhatrapati Shivaji Vaastu Sangrahalaya [the museum, in case you didn't know] and the Chhatrapati Shivaji Terminus.

MALIKA SHERAWAT: It's the Sen-sex, after all. So it goes up and down, up and down, up and down...

ARJUN SINGH: The HRD Ministry is proposing a 27 per cent reservation on the 30-share index for penny stocks, since they may be considered backward. The current 'correction' is nothing but a manifestation of years of neglect of such shares.

EKTA KAPOOR: Rename it Ksensex.

SHAYAN MUNSHI: I saw nothing, I heard nothing, I don't even speak Hindi.

ESHA DEOL: Sen? Sex? Isn't that the story of my latest movie, Ankahee?

SALMAN KHAN: Let's just shoot those damn bears!

LALU PRASAD YADAV: Kya bole? Bull bhaag gaye? Arre, hamaare paas bahut hai, ek do Le jaaon. As it is, Nitish Kumar has taken over our bungalow and we have nowhere to keep them.

MANMOHAN SINGH: We're introducing a bill making it illegal for the Sensex to fall below the 10,500-point mark. Brokerages are, after all, offices of profit.

BILL CLINTON: Sen-sex? I did not have sex-ual relations with that woman, Miss Sen.

GEORGE W. BUSH: Let's bomb the BSE!

The Habitual Mistake

An employee walks into the Accounts office and says "What is the meaning of this. I have been paid $200 less than what was decided upon."

The Accountant replies "I know about it, but you did not complain when we paid $200 extra by mistake last month."

The employee snaps back "Yeah, I can bear with occasional mistakes but when you make it a habit I think I need to report

I'm Only Mature

Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.
From my purchase this chap took off ten percent.
I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
And he answered, "Because of the Seniors' Discount."

I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries;
And there once again, got quite a surprise.
The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.
He said, "For you Seniors, the coffee is free."

Understand - I'm not old - I'm merely mature;
But some things are changing, temporarily, I'm sure.
The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
And people speak softer - can't hear what they say.

My teeth are my own (I have the receipt),
And my glasses identify people I meet.
Oh, I've slowed down a bit...not a lot, I am sure.
You see, I'm not old...I'm only mature.

The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.
You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.
Washing my hair has turned it all white,
But don't call it gray....saying "blond" is just right.

My car is all paid for...not a nickel is owed.
Yet some kids yell, "Old duffer...get off the road!"
My car has no scratches... not even a dent,
Still I get all this stuff from a punk who's "Hell bent."

My friends all get older...much faster than me.
They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.
I've got "character lines" not wrinkles...for sure,
But don't call me old....just call me mature.

The steps in the houses they're building today
Are so high that they take all your breath away;
And the streets are much steeper than ten years ago.
That should explain why my walking is slow.

But I'm keeping up with what's hip and what's new,
And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.
I'm still in the running...in this I'm secure,
I'M NOT REALLY OLD....I'M ONLY MATURE!

*****

SUPPLIES

There was an Irishman, a Russian and a Japanese man, all set out on a journey looking for work. They go by a quiet little dusty town and see a sign advertising work in the local coal mine.

The pay is great, so they go off and look for the boss. They find him and he tells them "Well, you know, I don't usually hire foreigners here, but you three seem like a nice bunch, I'll give you a try. I want you, the Irishman, to go back in the mine and work on digging, you have the muscles to get the task done well every day. You, the Russian, I want you to cart out the coal every day and load it into the trains.

And you, the Japanese man, I want you to be in charge of providing supplies to the people in the mine."

Well, on the second day, the boss goes down to th mine to check in on his new employees. He sees the Russian toting coal up out of the mines and loading it onto the trains and he's satisfied. He goes down into the mine to check on the Irishman and the Japanese man. Well, he sees the Irishman digging out the coal, but the Japanese man is nowhere in sight.

He asks the Irishman if he's seen him lately and he responds "No, nobody has seen him all day, we're running low on supplies down here."

Fearing the worst, the boss starts wandering around the mine looking for his worker. Suddenly, out from behind a pile of rubble, the Japanese man jumps out, scaring the crap out of the boss and yells "SUPPLIES!!!"

***********

fruit of labour

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial.

The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, 'I brought ten apples.' The king then explained the trial to him. 'You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten up.'

Two apples went in?.. But on the third one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1...2...3... 4...5...6. ..7...8.. . and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, 'Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?'

The second one replied, 'I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.'

*********

Santa Attacks

santa had always been worried that why he has one brother while his sister has two?????

**********
santa selling parachute, tells the customer "jump from plane n press button & you can land safely."
CUSTOMER: if it doesn't open????
SARDAR : PAISA WAPAS.......

**********
santa is walking along the road. He sees a banana peel. What does he think??

"UFF, Aj phir girna padega!!"

Then next day he is walking along the road, he sees two banana peels. What does he think??????? ?

"Ispe se giru, ya uspe se????"

Then the day after that he sees a lot of banana peels on the road. So he calls home and tells his wife..

"AAj ghar late aaoonga!!"

**********
After making a trip of South India, Santa Singh, his wife and his son were returning to Punjab in Tamilnadu Express.

Santa Singh was occupying the lower berth, his wife the middle berth and his son the top most berth in the train. When the train stopped at one of the stations on the way back the son requested Santa Singh to bring him a cup of Ice cream to which Santa readily agreed.

When Santa and his son returned they found that a South Indian who couldn't understand Hindi had occupied his son's berth.

Outraged, Santa Singh called the TT and asked him to help. TT requested that he could not understand Hindi/Punjabi so it would be better if Santa Singh explained the whole situation to him in English.

Santa Singh explained, "That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving birth to my child."

**********
Bush: Impossible does not come in my dictionary.. .
Santa: Phir dictionary dhek ke kharidni chahiye thi na. .

**********
ekbar light gai hui thi.
SANTA : arre Banta bahuat garmi ho rahi hai, zara pankha lagana..
BANTA : kardi na sardaronwali baat!! pankha lagaya to moombatti bujh na jayegi??

**********
Customer: Is mirror ki guarantee kya hai?
Santa : It is 99% safe.! 100 feet se fenkoge to 99 feet tak kuchh nahi hoga"!

**********
Teacher to Santa " Where were U born?
Santa : In Tiruvanantapuram.
Teacher : Spell it?
Santa : (after thinking) I think I was born in GOA.

**********
Santa : People consider me as a "GOD"
Banta : How do you know??
Santa : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD ! U have come again..

**********
Santa complained 2 Police : Sir all items are missing, except the TV in my house.
Police : How the theif did not take TV???
Santa : I was watching TV na....

**********
Thought for the Day!!!
If you call your mother as MUM.. What will you call Mother's younger sis and elder sis?
Answer : MINIMUM & MAXIMUM

**********
When do you congratulate someone for their Mistake?
Answer : On their Wedding !!

**********
Whats the height of Intelligence?
Answer : A 99 year old Santa going for HUTCH ka naya lifetime scheme ..

**********

Always tell your wife the truth

A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.

He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine.

At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?"

She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. "Where the hell have you been?"

"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You were playing pool again!!!"

*********

Honest answer

Honestly, we will have these answers in our mind ... But we give different, tailored and suitable answers to the guy !

1. Why did you apply for this job?
I have applied for many jobs along with this and you called me now.

2. Why do you want to work for this company?
I have to work for some company who ever gives me a job, I don't have any specific company in mind.

3. Why should I hire you?
You have to hire some one, you may give me a try.

4. What would you do if this happened?
Well, it depends my Mindset and mood at that situation...

5. What is your biggest strength?
Basically, daring to join any company who pays me well, without thinking of the fate of company

6. What is your biggest weakness?
Girls

7. What was your worst mistake, and how did you learn from it?
Joining my earlier company and learnt that I need to jump to get more money, so I am here today

8. What accomplishments in your last position are you most proud of?
Had I accomplished any in my last position, why do I need to change my job? I could demand more and stay there.

9. Describe a challenge you faced and how you overcame it?
Biggest challenge is answering the question "why are you looking for a change" and I started blabbering irrelevantly to overcome that.



10. Why did you leave/ are you leaving your last job?
For the same reason why you left your earlier job

11. What do you want from this job?
If no work is given but keep giving good hikes

12. What are your career goals and how do you plan to achieve them?
Make more money and for that keep jumping companies for every 2 yrs

13. Did you hear of our company and what do you know of us?
Yeah, I know that you will ask this, I've gone through your website

14. What is the salary expected and how do justify that?
Well, no one will change job for the same salary, hence, give me 20% extra than what I am getting and that is unpublished industry standard

(I know you will bargain on what ever I ask, hence, I have already hiked my current salary by 30%)

*******

Insurance Salesman

Peter walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.

"We don't need anyone" they replied.

"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone, anytime, anything!"

"Well we have two prospects that No One has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job."

He was gone about two hours, and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000.00 and another for $50,000.00.

"How in the world did you do that ?" they asked.

"I told you I'm the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone, anywhere, anytime!"

"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.

"What's that?" he asked.

"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000.00 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."

Peter was gone about 6 hours and they were fixing to close when he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down, and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine, and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. George's and this one is Mr. Robert's."

"That's good" they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"

"Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having a teachers convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"

Thought about men

Thought 1

When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?

*******
Thought 2

The average man's life consists of :
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;
And at the end, the mourners wondering too.

*******
Thought 3

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."



The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.



He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

The man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

*******
Thought 4

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom.

They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand.

Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.

The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something.

So he announced "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life."

Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me."

The whole audience including priest started laughing.... ...... But not the poor groom!

*******

The Door Bell

One night a guy dropped his girlfriend at her home.

As they were about to wish each other goodnight at the front door, the guy started feeling a little in the mood.

With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her "Honey, would you give me a kiss?"

Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her.

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on!

There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!".

"No way, it's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?".

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!".

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you ... "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and

The girl's elder sister showed up in her pajamas, hair dishevelled, And in a sleepy voice she said,

"Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if need Be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake and all of ours....

TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE DOOR BELL ........

**********

my wife's expecting

A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend. "You see," he explained, "my wife's expecting."

"Oh..." said the Officer, "I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck."

The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation: "My wife's expecting."

The Officer looked surprised. "Still expecting?" he said, "Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the week-end off."

When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper. "Don't tell me your wife is still expecting!" he bellowed.

"Yes sir!" said the soldier resolutely, "She's still expecting."

"What in heaven is she expecting?" cried the Officer.

"Me." said the soldier simply.

********

Even God has a Sense of Humour!!

God was in the process of creating the universe.
And he was explaining to his subordinates "Look everything should be in balance. For example, after every 10 deer there should be a lion.

Look here my fellow angels, here is the country of the United States.
I have blessed them with prosperity and money.
But at the same time I have given them insecurity and tension....

And here is Africa. I have given them beautiful nature.
But at the same time, I have given them climatic extremes.

And here is South America. I have given them lots of forests.
But at the same time, I have given them lesser land so that they would have to cut off the forests...
So you see fellows, everything should be in balance.

One of the angels asked...
"God, what is this extremely beautiful country here?"

God said....... "Ahah...that is the crown piece of all. "INDIA",
My most precious creation.
It has understanding and friendly People.
Sparkling streams and serene mountains.
A culture which speaks of the great tradition that they live.
Technologically brilliant and with a heart of gold.....

The angel was quite surprised:
"But god you said everything should be in balance."

God replied -- "Look at the neighbors I gave them."

*******

THE LAW OF THE SEED

Take a look at an apple tree. There might be five hundred apples on the Tree, each with ten seeds. That's a lot of seeds!

We might ask, "Why would you need so many seeds to grow just a few more Trees?"

Nature has something to teach us here. It's telling us: "Most seeds never Grow. So if you really want to make something happen, you better try More than once."

This might mean:

You'll attend twenty interviews to get one job.

You'll interview forty people to find one good employee.

You'll talk to fifty people to sell one house, car, vacuum Cleaner, insurance policy, idea...

And you might meet a hundred acquaintances to find one special friend.

When we understand the "Law of the Seed", we don't get so disappointed.

We stop feeling like victims. Laws of nature are not things to take personally.

We just need to understand them - and work with them.

******

LITTLE JOHNNY: A DROP IN THE BUCKET

One day, Little Johnny's grandmother sent him to the water

Hole to get some water for cooking dinner.

As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and ran back to grandma's house as fast as he could.

"Where's my bucket and my water?" She asked.

"I can't get any water from that water hole, there's a mean ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for years,

And he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

*******

Ye ishq nahi aasa......

Who Bole .....

Ye ishq nahi aasa, Itna to samajh lejiye...

Ek Aag ka dariya hai, aur doob ke jaana hai ....

************ *****
Maine kaha...

Masoom is mohabbat ka bus itna as fasana hai..

Kagaj ki haveli hai, baarish ka zamaana hai..

Kya shart-e-mohabbat hai, kya shart-e-zamana hai..

Awaz bhi jakhmi hai aur wo geet bhi gana hai..

Uss per utrne ki umeed bahut kam hai..

Kashti bhi puraani hai, tufaan bhi aana hai..

Samajhe ya na samjhe wo andaaz-e-mohabbat ka..

Bheegi hui ankho se ek sher sunaana hai..

Bholi is Ada, koi fir ishq ki jid par hai..

Fir aag ka dariya hai.. Aur doob hi jana hai ...

************ ******

I can't hear you !

Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him.

Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings.

The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings. So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.

The priest then asked him again, "Charlie, did you take any of the offering?" This time, Charlie replied, "I can't hear you."

The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, "I can't hear you."

Finally, the priest yelled, "CHARLIE, DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?"

Again, the reply was, "I can't hear you."

The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, "Trade places with me and you can ask me a question."

So, they traded places and Charlie asked, "Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?"

To which the priest replied, "By golly, you’re right, you can't hear in here!"

*******

A gorilla job !

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo.

As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide.

They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts,

But Hey!

He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around.

During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!"

The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

*******

THE LOVE STORY

At 10th Grade:-
As I sat there in English class,
I stared at the girl next to me.
She was my so called 'best friend'.
I stared at her long, silky hair,
And wished she was mine.
But she didn't notice me like that,
And I knew it.

After class,
She walked up to me and asked me for
The notes she had missed the day before.
I handed them to her.She said 'thanks'
And gave me a kiss on the cheek.
I want to tell her, I want her to know
That I don't want to be just friends,
I love her but I'm just too shy,
And I don't know why.

At 11th grade:-
The phone rang. On the other end,
It was her. She was in tears,
Mumbling on and on about how
Her love had broke her heart.
She asked me to come over
Because she didn't want to be alone, So I did.
As I sat next to her on the sofa, I stared at her
Soft eyes, wishing she was mine.
After 2 hours, one Drew Barrymore movie,
And three bags of chips,
She decided to go home.
She looked at me, said 'thanks'
And gave me a kiss
On the cheek..I want to tell her,
I want her to know that
I don't want to be just friends,
I love her but I'm just too shy,
And I don't know why.

When in Senior year:-
One fine day she walked to my locker.
'My date is sick' she said,
'hes not gonna go' well,
I didn't have a date, and in 7th grade,
We made a promise that
If neither of us had dates,
We would go together just as 'best friends'.
So we did.
That night, after everything was over,
I was standing at her front door step.
I stared at her as She smiled at me
And stared at me with her crystal eyes.
Then she said- 'I had the best time, thanks!'
And gave me a kiss on the cheek.
I want to tell her,
I want her to know
That I don't want to be just friends,
I love her but I'm just too shy,
And I don't know why.

At Graduation:-
A day passed, then a week, then a month.
Before I could blink, it was graduation day.
I watched as her perfect body
Floated like an angel
Up on stage to get her diploma.
I wanted her to be mine-but
She didn't notice me like that, and I knew it.
Before everyone went home,
She came to me in her smock and hat,
And cried as I hugged her.
Then she lifted her head from my shoulder
And said- 'you're my best friend,
Thanks''s and gave me a kiss on the cheek.
I want to tell her,
I want her to know
That I don't want to be just friends,
I love her but I'm just too shy,
And I don't know why.

On the Marriage:-
Now I sit in the pews of the church.
That girl is getting married now.
And drive off to her new life,
Married to another man.
I wanted her to be mine,
But she didn't see me like that,
And I knew it.
But before she drove away,
She came to me and said 'you came !'.
She said 'thanks' and kissed me on the cheek.
I want to tell her,
I want her to know
That I don't want to be just friends,
I love her but I'm just too shy,
And I don't know why.

When Death:-
Years passed, I looked down at the coffin
Of a girl who used to be my 'best friend'.
At the service, they read a diary entry
She had wrote in her high school years.
This is what it read:
'I stare at him wishing he was mine,
But he doesn't notice me like that,
And I know it.
I want to tell him,
I want him to know that
I don't want to be just friends,
I love him but I'm just too shy,
And I don't know why.
I wish he would tell me he loved me !
'I wish I did too...'

I thought to my self, and I cried.

HOPE ALL THE LOVERS WILL LEARN A LESSON FROM THIS STORY

Doctor's Medical Certificate

Doctor Certified

i Certified that Mr. /Miss ____________ ____ _ , working in your organization, is suffering from 'time-bound' illness.

Due to this, he/she will NOT be able to work more than 8 hours a day and 5 days a week.

Any attempt to stretch beyond this timing will lead to severe health problems.

The losses to the company due to medical reimbursements will be far more compared to the gains made by stretching beyond 8 hours.

It is also warned to keep my patient away from any kind of shocking news such as " Come over weekend..", " Let's work on holiday..", " Leave cannot be granted. ." etc.

which can directly lead to heart strokes.

In view of the above, it is strongly recommended to adjust your deadlines in accordance with the convenience of my patient.

Sd/- Dr. Impatient

********

Are You Ready to Have Children

How To Know Whether You Are Ready to Have Children
Mess Test:

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

*******
Toy Test:

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you maysubstitute roofing tacks) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)

*******
Grocery Store Test:

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

*******
Dressing Test:

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag, making sure that all arms stay inside.

*******
Feeding Test:

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

*******
Night Test:

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10: 00PM.Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

*******
Physical Test (Women):

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

*******
Physical Test (Men):

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

*******
Final Assignment:

Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers. "

*******

A Millionaire & Three Beggers

There was a good-natured millionaire in the town. Three beggars thought of approaching him for help. The first man went to the millionaire and said: "O Lord! I want five rupees. Please give me." The millionaire was taken aback at this man's impudence. "What! You demand five rupees from me as though I owe you the money! How dare you? How can I afford to give five rupees to a single beggar? Here, take these two rupees and get away," he said. The man went away with the two rupees.

The next beggar went to the millionaire and said: "Oh Lord! I have not taken a square meal for the past ten days. Please help me."
"How much do you want?" asked the millionaire.


"Whatever you give me, Maharaj," replied the beggar.
"Here, take this ten rupee note. You can have nice food for at least three days." The beggar walked away with the ten rupee note.

The third beggar came. "Oh Lord, I have heard about your noble qualities. Therefore, I have come to see you. Men of such charitable disposition are verily the manifestations of God on earth," he said.

"Please sit down," said the millionaire. "You appear to be tired. Please take this food," he said, and offered food to the beggar.
"Now please tell me what I can do for you."

"Oh Lord," replied the beggar; "I merely came to meet such a noble personage that you are. You have given me this rich food already. What more need I get from you? You have already shown extraordinary kindness towards me. May God bless you!"

But the millionaire, struck by the beggar's spirit, begged of the beggar to remain with him, built a decent house for him in his own compound, and looked after him for the rest of his life.

God is like this good millionaire. Three classes of people approach Him, with three different desires and prayers. There is the greedy man full of vanity, full of arrogance, full of desires. He demands the objects of worldly enjoyment from God. Since this man, whatever be his vile desires, has had the good sense to approach God, He grants him some part of the desired objects (even these very soon pass away, just as the two rupees the first beggar got are spent before nightfall).

The other type of devotee prays to the Lord for relief from the sufferings of the world, but is better than the first one, in as much as he is ready to abide by His Will. To him the Lord grants full relief from suffering, and bestows on him much wealth and property.

The third type he merely prays to the Lord: "O Lord, Thou art Existence-Absolute, Knowledge-Absolute, Bliss-Absolute, etc., etc." What does he want? Nothing. But the Lord is highly pleased with his spirit of renunciation, of desirelessness and of self-surrender. Therefore, He makes him eat His own food, I.e., He grants this man Supreme Devotion to Himself. Over and above this, He makes the devotee to live in His own House For ever afterward this devotee dwells in the Lord's Abode as a Liberated Sage

*******

Family Problem

Once two men sat in a bar drinking.

The first one said to the other ,"I have a hell lot of family problems."

The second one said ,"I'll tell you mine.

I married a widow having a young daughter.

My father married my daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.

My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.

More problems occurred when I had a son.

My son is my father's brother and so he my uncle.

Situations turned worse when my father had a son.

Now my father's son I.e. My brother is my grandson.

Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.

And you say you have family problems".

**********

The Four Cats !

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were .

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat,

"T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said,

"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies ............ Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said

"Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said.....

"Coffee Break.....do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet........ ...

Ate the cookies..... ......... .

Drank the milk........ ......

Sh*t on the paper....... ......... ....

Screwed the other three cats........ ......... ....

Claimed he injured his back while doing so.......... ........

Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.. .......

Put in for Workers Compensation. ......... .....and

Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave....... ......!!! !!!!!!!

**********

Snacks of Humor

[1] You can become an engineer if you go to an Engineering college,
But don't expect to be a President going to the Presidency College!

*******
[2] Expect a BUS at a BUS Stop, but Don't expect a FOOL at FULLSTOP(.)

*******

[3] A Mechanical engineer becomes a mechanic
Then why not a software engineer become a software?

*******
[4] Find keys in a Key board
But do not expect a mother in mother board.

*******
[5] Study anything you want and get a certificate in subject of your studies
But don’t expect a death certificate studying "Dying and Death."

*******

Little girl with Grandpa

A grandfather and granddaughter were sitting and talking when the young girl asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"

"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?" "Yes, He did," the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.

At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said,

"God's doing a lot better job lately."

*********

You Know you are having a bad day when..

You Know you are having a bad day when...

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.

Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.

The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

You wake up and your braces are stuck together.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.

You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your MasterCard.

Nothing you own is actually paid for.

The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.

People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.

The doctor says you are in fine health for someone twice your age.

TRY TO HAVE A GOOD DAY!

******

Bathroom graffiti

Bathroom graffiti # 1
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Here I lie in stinky vapor,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.

Bathroom graffiti # 2
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Here I sit
What a caper
I have to shit
But I'm out of paper

Bathroom graffiti # 3
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Here I sit
Broken hearted
Tried to shit
But only farted

Bathroom graffiti # 4
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
You're lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
And shit my pants!

Bathroom graffiti # 5
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
I came here
To shit and stink,
But all I do
Is sit and think.

Bathroom graffiti # 6
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to shit and stink,
But I come here to scratch my balls,
And read the bullshit on the walls...

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