Quote of the Day

Cheating

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough," commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me," the customer went on. "When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that's awful!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "But do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground."

Idiot

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him,

"So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired:

"An ID ten T error?

What's that ... In case I need to fix it again?"

The computer guy grinned....

"Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, " and I think you'll figure it out." So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T

**********

DOES HEAVEN HAVE A PHONE NUMBER?

Mommy went to Heaven, but I need her here today,
My tummy hurts and I fell down; I need her right away,

Operator, can you tell me how to find her in this book?
Is heaven in the yellow part? I don't know where to look.

I think my daddy needs her too; at night I hear him cry.
I hear him call her name sometimes, but I really don't know why.

Maybe if I call her, she will hurry home to me.
Is Heaven very far away, is it across the sea?

She's been gone a long, long time; she needs to come home now!
I really need to reach her, but I simply don't know how.

Help me find the number please, is it listed under "Heaven"?
I can't read these big, big words; I am only seven.

I'm sorry, operator, I didn't mean to make you cry,
Is your tummy hurting too, or is there something in your eye?

If I call my church maybe they will know.
Mommy said when we need help, that's where we should go.

I found the number to my church tacked up on the wall.
Thank you operator, I'll give them a call.

*********

Nail - Biting Habit

Two women friends are chatting about their family and husbands.

Women1 : I am very frustrated and worried about my husbands nail biting habit. I tried lot of things that he should stop biting nails.

Women2 : Oh thats simple even my husband have that habit of nail biting. I only did one work and thats it. No more nail biting.

Women1 : Oh is it good. What's that.

Women2 : I gave a good punch and broke all his teeth .........

**********

James Bond in heaven

M sends James Bond on a secret mission to heaven. When M doesn't hear from Bond for over a day, he gets worried and calls up heaven.

The Virgin Mary picks up the phone and says "Virgin Mary speaking. "M asks her if Bond has reached there yet. She replies that he hasn't.

M waits another few hours and calls heaven back again. "Virgin Mary speaking," comes the response. "Is James there yet?" asks M. Again the answer is no.

M is really worried by this time but he waits for a few more hours and then calls heaven back again.

"Hello, Mary speaking !"

******

Whom to Blame?

Boy was born to a couple after eleven years of marriage. They were a Loving couple and the boy was the gem of their eyes. When the boy was Around two years old, one morning the husband saw a medicine bottle Open. He was late for office so he asked his wife to cap the bottle and keep It in the cupboard. His wife, preoccupied in the kitchen totally forgot The matter.

The boy saw the bottle and playfully went to the bottle fascinated by Its colour and drank it all. It happened to be a poisonous medicine Meant for adults in small dosages. When the child collapsed the mother Hurried him to the hospital, where he died. The mother was stunned. She Was terrified how to face her husband.

When the distraught father came to the hospital and saw the dead child , He looked at his wife and uttered just five words.

QUESTIONS:

1. What were the five words?

2. What is the implication of this story?

ANSWER :

The husband just said "I am with you Darling"

The husband's totally unexpected reaction is a proactive Behaviour.

The Child is dead. He can never be brought back to life.

There is no point In finding fault with the mother. Besides, if only he had taken time to Keep the bottle away, this would not have happened.

No one is to be blamed. She had also lost her only child. What she Needed at that moment was consolation and sympathy from the husband. That is what he gave her.

If everyone can look at life with this kind of perspective, there would Be much fewer problems in the world. "A journey of a thousand miles Begins with a single step." Take off all your envies, jealousies, Unforgiveness, selfishness, and fears. And you will find things are Actually not as difficult as you think.

MORAL OF THE STORY :

Sometimes we spend time in asking who is responsible or whom to blame, Whether in a relationship, in a job or with the people we know. By this Way we miss out some warmth in human relationship.

*********

Best women 2 marry

Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Joe the Bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".

The second man married a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he`s a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...".

The third man married a school teacher. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself "poor guy, she`s pretty but teachers are just too frigid".

The next morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher`s husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.

6:00 a.m.
The phone rings it`s the nurse`s husband wanting breakfast. The nurse`s husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man`s pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.

Joe asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse."

The man sourly replies, "Son, don`t ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying " you`re not sanitary, you`re not sanitary".

Joe went back down to the main desk to wait for the next call.

6:30 a.m.
The telephone operator`s husband calls for breakfast. Joe brings it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man`s hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.

Joe asks," What happened? Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as their voices."

The man sourly replies "Son, don`t ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up."

Joe went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband will be calling any minute.

4:30 p.m.
The teacher`s husband called for breakfast. Joe can`t believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. He wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs.

Joe fearing the worst asked " What happened to you? Did you have a fight?"

The man smiles and happily replies, "No. Son, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until we get it right."

The Result of Intiative

Some years ago, three brothers left the farm to work in the city. They were all hired by the same company at the same pay. Three years later, Jim was being paid $500 a month, Frank was receiving $1,000, but George was now making $1,500.

Their father decided to visit the employer. He listened to the confused father and said, "I will let the boys explain for themselves."

Jim was summoned to the supervisor's office and was told, "Jim, I understand the Far East Importers has just brought in a large transport plane loaded with Japanese import goods. Will you please go over to the airport and get a cargo inventory?"

Three minutes later, Jim returned to the office. "The cargo was one thousand bolts of Japanese silk," Jim reported. "I got the information over the telephone from a member of the crew."

When Jim left, Frank, the $1,000 a month brother, was called. "Frank," said the supervisor, "I wish you'd go out to the airport and get an inventory of the cargo plane which was just brought in by Far East Importers."

An hour later, Frank was back in the office with a list showing that the plane carried 1,000 bolts of Japanese silk, 500 transistor radios, and 1,000 hand painted bamboo trays. George, the $1,500 a month brother, was given identical instructions. Working hours were over when he finally returned.

"The transport plane carried one thousand bolts of Japanese silk," he began. "It was on sale at sixty dollars a bolt, so I took a two-day option on the whole lot.

I have wired a designer in New York offering the silk at seventy-five dollars a bolt. I expect to have the order tomorrow. I also found five hundred transistor radios, which I sold over the telephone at a profit of $2.30 each.

There were a thousand bamboo trays, but they were of poor quality, so I didn't try to do anything with them."

When George left the office, the employer smiled. "You probably noticed," he said, "that Jim doesn't do what he's told, Frank does only what he'd told, but George does without being told."

*********
The future is full of promise for one who shows initiative.

*********

Is Your Dad Home?

A farmer got in his truck and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door.

A young boy, about nine, opened the door.

"Is your Dad home"? the farmer asked.
"Sorry mate, he isn't" the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the farmer, "Is your mum here"?
"No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Greg? Is he here"?
"He went with Mum and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to theother and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for ya"? the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment.
"You'd have to talk to Dad about that," he finally conceded.
"If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg."

*******

Bon Free, Taxed to death

A little boy wanted Rs 50 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Finally he decided to write God a letter requesting the Rs 50.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, they decided to forward it to the Prime Minister as a joke.

The Prime Minister was so amused, that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy Rs 30.

The Prime Minister thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the Rs 30, and decided to write a thank you note to God, which reached the Prime Minister and it read:

"Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money.

However, I noticed that you sent it through the 7 Race Course Road and those donkeys deducted Rs 20 for taxes"

***********

If there's light in the soul

If there's light in the soul

If there's light in the soul
There'll be beauty in the person.

If there's beauty in the person
There'll be harmony in the house.

If there's harmony in the house
There will be order in the nation.

If there's order in the nation
There'll be peace in the world.

Chinese Proverb

*******

Wo yaro ki mehfil

Wo yaro ki mehfil, wo muskurate pal,
Dil se juda hai apna bita hua Kal,
Kabhi jindagi guzjarti thi Waqt bitane me,
Aaj waqt guzar jata hai chand kagaj ke note kamane me......

............ ......... ......... ......... ........
Koi hai Jo duaa karta hai,
Apno me Hume bhi gina karta hai,
Bahut khushnasib samjhte hai khud ko,
Door rah kar bhi koi yaad kiya karta hai...

............ ......... ......... ......... ........
Kyo Hume kisiki talash hoti hai,
Dilko kisiki aash hoti hai
Chand ko dekho, who bhi tanha hai,
Jubki uski chandni se roj mulakat hoti hai

............ ......... ......... ......... ........
Kanch ko chahat thi pather pane ki,
Ek pal me fir tut kar bikher Jane ki,
Chahat bas itni thi us diwane ki,
Apne hajar tukdo me uski hajar Tasveer sajane ki.

............ ......... ......... ......... ........

A Woman of Strength

A strong woman works out every day to keep her body in shape ...

But a woman of strength kneels in prayer to keep her soul in shape...

******
A strong woman isn't afraid of anything ...

But a woman of strength shows courage in the midst of her fear...

******
A strong woman won't let anyone get the best of her ...

But a woman of strength gives the best of her to everyone...

******
A strong woman makes mistakes and avoids the same in the future...

A woman of strength realizes life's mistakes can also be God's blessings and capitalizes on them...

******
A strong woman walks sure footedly ...

But a woman of strength knows God will catch her when she falls...

******
A strong woman wears the look of confidence on her face ...

But a woman of strength wears grace...

******
A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey ...

But a woman of strength has faith that it is in the journey that she will become strong...

******

Darling

Husband [:D] arling, my sweet heart I will be enjoying this sunday

Wife: How

Husband: I bought three tickets for the movie

Wife: thats great, but we are two, why you bought three tickets ???

Husband: Darling one for you, one for your mother and one for your brother!!!!!!!!!!!! !!

Struggle a little- then fly

Once a biology class was going

on.. The teacher was teaching the class on how a butterfly comes

out of its cocoon... He brought a live cocoon to demonstrate a butterfly

coming out... Unfortunately he was called out on an urgent task before

the butterfly could come out... But before he went he warned the class that

on no condition should anyone help the butterfly to come out... He

went out and after some time the cocoon opened and the butterfly

started to come out...

One boy taking pity on the butterfly's struggle helped it

to come out... The sir returned and saw the butterfly and then asked the class...

Who helped the butterfly..

The boy raised his hand and confessed...

The sir said u did grave error in helping the butterfly...

In helping it u deprived the butterfly of it life's goal...

The initial struggle out of the cocoon should help the butterfly strengthen its wings...

now it will never fly...

We are also in some ways like this butterfly...

Now read on .....

Sometimes Struggles are exactly what we need in our life.

If we were to go through life without any obstacles,

It would cripple us.

We would not be as strong as we could have been

And we could never fly.

So next time you are faced with an obstacle,

A challenge, or a problem,

Struggle a little- then fly.

COMPUTER - NUCLEAR & COFFEE

Officers at a military installation in U.S. were being lectured about a new computer. The training officer said the computer was able to withstand nuclear and chemical attacks.

Suddenly, he saw that one of the officers had a cup of coffee and yelled, "There will be no eating or drinking in this room! You'll have to get rid of that coffee."

The officer said meekly, "Sure, but why?"

"Because a coffee spill could ruin the keyboard."

******

Alphabet of happiness

A--Accept
Accept others for who they are and for the choices they've made even if you have difficulty understanding their beliefs, motives, or actions.

B--Break Away
Break away from everything that stands in the way of what you hope to accomplish with your life.

C--Create
Create a family of friends whom you can share your hopes, dreams, sorrows, and happiness with.

D--Decide
Decide that you'll be successful and happy come what may, and good things will find you. The roadblocks are only minor obstacles along the way.

E--Explore
Explore and experiment. The world has much to offer, and you have much to give. And every time you try something new, you'll learn more about yourself.

F--Forgive
Forgive and forget. Grudges only weigh you down and inspire unhappiness and grief. Soar above it, and remember that everyone makes mistakes.

G--Grow
Leave the childhood monsters behind. They can no longer hurt you or stand in your way.

H--Hope
Hope for the best and never forget that anything is possible as long as you remain dedicated to the task.

I--Ignore
Ignore the negative voice inside your head. Focus instead on your goals and remember your accomplishments. Your past success is only a small inkling of what the future holds.

J--Journey
Journey to new worlds, new possibilities, by remaining open-minded. Try to learn something new every day, and you'll grow.

K--Know
Know that no matter how bad things seem, they'll always get better. The warmth of spring always follows the harshest winter.

L--Love
Let love fill your heart instead of hate. When hate is in your heart, there's room for nothing else, but when love is in your heart, there's room for endless happiness.

M--Manage
Manage your time and your expenses wisely, and you'll suffer less stress and worry. Then you'll be able to focus on the important things in life.


N--Notice
Never ignore the poor, infirm, helpless, weak, or suffering. Offer your assistance when possible, and always your kindness and understanding.

O--Open
Open your eyes and take in all the beauty around you. Even during the worst of times, there's still much to be thankful for.

P--Play
Never forget to have fun along the way. Success means nothing without happiness.

Q--Question
Ask many questions, because you're here to learn.

R--Relax
Refuse to let worry and stress rule your life, and remember that things always have a way of working out in the end.


S--Share
Share your talent, skills, knowledge, and time with others. Everything that you invest in others will return to you many times over.


T--Try
Even when your dreams seem impossible to reach, try anyway. You'll be amazed by what you can accomplish.

U--Use
Use your gifts to your best ability. Talent that's wasted has no value. Talent that's used will bring unexpected rewards.

V--Value
Value the friends and family members who've supported and encouraged you, and be there for them as well.

W--Work
Work hard every day to be the best person you can be, but never feel guilty if you fall short of your goals. Every sunrise offers a second chance.


X--X-Ray
Look deep inside the hearts of those around you and you'll see the goodness and beauty within.

Y--Yield
Yield to commitment. If you stay on track and remain dedicated, you'll find success at the end of the road.


Z--Zoom
Zoom to a happy place when bad memories or sorrow rears its ugly head. Let nothing interfere with your goals. Instead, focus on your abilities, your dreams, and a brighter tomorrow.

******

Perfect solution

The passenger sat in the backseat, clutching the door handle and wondering if she could expect to survive the trip.

The cabdriver sped through the crowded streets,weaving in and out of traffic. The passenger watched as one pedestrian after another ran to avoid being run down by her lunatic driver.

She looked ahead and saw a truck double-parked on the narrow street,but not only did the taxi driver fail to slow down, he actually accelerated as he approached the truck.

He slipped his cab through the available space with an inch or two to spare on either side. "Driver!" the passenger screamed,"Are you trying to get us both killed?"

"Relax,lady," he said, "just do what I do. Close your eyes."

********

Blonde joke

A blond named Barbara appeared on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. ...

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far, $500,000 and one lifeline left--phone a friend. The next question will give you the first ever million dollars if you get it right.... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000...are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure I'll have a go."

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it...A-Robin, B-Sparrow, C-Cuckoo or D-Thrush Remember, Barbara, it's worth 1 million dollars."

Barbara: "Oh, gees, that's simple.... it’s a cuckoo.."

Regis: "You're sure? You can stick on $500,000 or play on for the million."

Barbara: "I want to play; I'll go with C-Cuckoo."

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is"

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Absolutely"

Regis: "Barbara, you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo. Well....you' re right! You have just won 1 MILLION DOLLARS!!!! Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

That night Barbara calls her friend Carol and they go to a local bar for a celebration drink.

As they are sipping champagne, Carol turns to Barbara and asks, "Tell me, how in God's name did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?" "Get real!"

Barbara replies, "Everybody knows cuckoos live in clocks!"

*******

Kind lawyer

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"

Dumbest kid

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his Customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar in one hand and two quarters in the other,

Then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

********

The Simple Facts

1. Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 other million people in the world?

2. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

3. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

4. Banging your head against a wall uses an average of 900 calories an hour.

5. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

6. The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.

7. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

8. The longest word in the English language is 1909 letters long and it refers to a distinct part of DNA.

9. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

10. Feb 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

11. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

12. Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

13. Every time you lick a stamp,you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

14. Cat's urine glows under a black light.

15. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

16. In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

17. Babies are born without knee caps.They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.

18. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

19. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

20. The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

21. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

22. One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the 30's lobbied against hemp farmers they saw it as competition.

23. You know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.

24. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

25. There are 2 credit cards for every person in the US.

26. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."

27. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

28. If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

29. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds,dogs only have about ten.

30. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

************

HOW WONDERFUL TO KNOW

* A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
* A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
* A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
* A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
* A snail can sleep for three years.
* A duck's quake can't echo.
* Al Capones's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
* All the State names are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
* Almonds are a member of the peach family.
* An average American, in his whole life, will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

* An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
* Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
* Butterflies taste with their feet.
* "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
* February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
* In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
* If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
* Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
* Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
* No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
* Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
* Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
* Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
* "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.
* The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
* The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
* The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
* The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
* The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' 'level' and "Malayalam" are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes) .
* There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
* There are more chickens than people in the world.
* There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous" tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order "abstemious" and "facetious."
* There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.
* Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur. So do Zebras.
* TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one periterrow of the keyboard.
* Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
* Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.

The Cricket

A man and his friend were in a city, walking through the street. It was during the noon lunch hour and the streets were filled with people. Cars were honking their horns, taxicabs were squealing around corners, sirens were wailing, and the sounds of the city were almost deafening. Suddenly, the man said to his friend, "I hear a cricket."

His friend said, "What? You must be crazy. You couldn't possibly hear a cricket in all of this noise!"

"No, I'm sure of it," the man said, "I heard a cricket."

"That's crazy," said the friend.

The man listened carefully for a moment, and then walked across the street to a big cement planter where some shrubs were growing. He looked into the bushes, beneath the branches, and sure enough, he located a small cricket. His friend was utterly amazed. "That's incredible," said his friend. "You must have super-human ears!"

"No," said the man. "My ears are no different from yours. It all depends on what you're listening for."

"But that can't be!" said the friend. "I could never hear a cricket in this noise."

"Yes, it's true," came the reply. "It depends on what is really important to you. Here, let me show you."

He reached into his pocket, pulled out a few coins, and discreetly dropped them on the sidewalk. And then, with the noise of the crowded street still blaring in their ears, they noticed every head within twenty feet turn and look to see if the money that tinkled on the pavement was theirs.

"See what I mean?" asked the man.

"It all depends on what's important to you."

******

I am just fine..

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.

In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well. I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite donkey Bessie into the...

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'".

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Police officer on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the motorway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning.

I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Policeman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the officer came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me."

He said, "Your donkey was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

I said:....... ......... ......... ......

Presence of Mind

John works in a supermarket. A man came in and asked John for half a kilogram of butter. The boy told him they only sold 1 kg packets of butter, but the man was persistent. The boy said he'd go ask his manager what to do.

John walked into the back room and said, "There's a bloody fellow out there who wants to buy only half a kilo of butter."

As he finished saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him,

So he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager finished the deal and later said to John, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet, and I like it a lot.

Which place are you from?"

John replied, "I'm from Mexico, sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Mexico?" asked the manager.

John replied, "They're all just prostitutes and soccer players up there."

"My wife is from Mexico," the manager said.

John replied, "Which team did she play for?"

10 reasons...

10 Reasons Why God Created Eve!

10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because he knew men would never ask directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote because men don't want to see what's on television, they want to see what else is on television.

8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when the seat wore out and therefore would need Eve to get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctors appointment for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.

5. God knew that if the world was to be populated there would have to be someone to bear children, because men would never be able to handle it.

4. As "Keeper of the Garden" Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

3. The scripture account of creation indicates that Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone." He only ends up getting himself in trouble.

AND the #1 REASON WHY GOD CREATED EVE is ...

*

*

*

*

1. When God had finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head and said, "I know I can do better than THIS!!"

The wife and the window

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning, while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hang the wash outside.

That laundry is not very clean, she said, she doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.

Her husband looked on, but remained silent. Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: "Look! She has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this."

The husband said: "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows!"

And so it is with life: "What we see when watching others depends on the purity of the window through which we look. Before we give any criticism, it might be a good idea to check our state of mind and ask ourselves if we are ready to see the good rather than to be looking for something in the person we are about to judge. "

*********

Dog "Ole Blue"

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.

About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street ?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

********
Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.

About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street ?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

********

Great Words To Live By!

ONE. Give
People more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO. Marry
A man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE. Don't
Believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR. When
You say, "I love you," mean it.

FIVE. When
You say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.

SIX. Be
Engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN. Believe
In love at first sight.

EIGHT. Never
Laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

NINE. Love
Deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

TEN. In
Disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN. Don't
Judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE. Talk
Slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN. When
Someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"

FOURTEEN. Remember
That great love and great achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN. Say "bless
You" when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When
You lose, don't lose the lesson

SEVENTEEN Remember
The three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN. Don't
Let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN. When
You realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY. Smile
When picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

TWENTY-ONE. Spend
Some time alone.

************ *****

Three friends

Three Khoja friends meet after many years.

Two of them have just returned from spending some years in the new motherland, Canada .

The first one says, "When I went to Canada , they nicknamed me Sad because my full name is Sadru!"

The second one says, "When I went to Canada , my neighbours called me Bad because my full name is Badru!"

The third one says, "I am never going to Canada , my name is FAKHRU!"

*******

Junior

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit, She instructed her son to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site.

After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that there was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.

Women!!

She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap, and she slapped him again, for good measure.

People from the neighborhood rushed around to find out what the cause of the commotion was.

The woman asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called.

Junior said

"The subscriber you have dialed is not available at present. Please Try Again Later"...

Red Shirt

Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port.

About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze! "Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate.

"First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring me my red shirt."

The first mate did so. Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain inspired his crew to fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled without casualties.


A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two pirate ships. "Captain, captain, what should we do?"

"First mate, bring me my red shirt!" The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration.

The first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt. "It's simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not show, and the crew continues to fight without fear."

A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy's armada were approaching!

"Captain, captain, we're in terrible trouble, what do we do?" The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker. Pale with fear, the captain commanded, "First mate....bring me my brown pants!"

*******

The Horse sense

Just up the road from my home is a field, with two horses in it. From a distance, each looks like every other horse. But if one stops the car, or is walking by, one will notice something quite amazing.

Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind. His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him. This alone is amazing.

Listening, one will hear the sound of a bell. Looking around for the source of the sound, one will see that it comes from the smaller horse in the field. Attached to her bridle is a small bell. It lets her blind friend know where she is, so he can follow her.

Like the owners of these two horses, God does not throw us away just because we are not perfect or because we have problems or challenges. He watches over us and even brings others into our lives to help us when we are in need. Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by God and those whom he places in our lives. Other times we are the guide horse, helping others see God.

******

Don't Abandon your Dream

There were once 2 brothers who lived on the 80th level. On coming home one day, they realized to their dismay that the lifts were not working and that they have to climb the stairs home.

After struggling to the 20th level, panting and tired, they decided to abandon their bags and come back for them the next day. They left their bags then and climbed on. When they have struggled to the 40th level, the younger brother started to grumble and both of them began to quarrel. They continued to climb the flights of steps, quarreling all the way to the 60th floor.

They then realized that they have only 20 levels more to climb and decided to stop quarreling and continue climbing in peace. They silently climbed on and reached their home at long last. Each stood calmly before the door and waited for the other to open the door.

And they realized that the key was in their bags which was left on the 20th floor

This story is reflecting on our life...many of us live under the expectations of our parents, teachers and friends when young. We seldom get to do the things that we really like and love and are under so much pressure and stress so that by the age of 20, we get tired and decided to dump this load.

Being free of the stress and pressure, we work enthusiastically and dream ambitious wishes.

But by the time we reach 40 years old, we start to lose our vision and dreams. We began to feel unsatisfied and start to complain and criticize. We live life as a misery as we are never satisfied. Reaching 60, we realize that we have little left for complaining anymore, and we began to walk the final episode in peace and calmness.

We think that there is nothing left to disappoint us, only to realize that we could not rest in peace because we have an unfulfilled dream ...... A dream we abandoned 60 years ago.

So what is your dream

Follow your dreams, so that you will not live with regrets.

**********

The Great Melting Pot

A man accused of theft was appearing before the Judge.

"Your Honor," his lawyer said, "I feel it is very unfair for my client to be accused of robbery. He is an illegal immigrant, has just arrived in America and is guest in our city. Unable to find his way he roams all around curiously. He came to this country with knowledge of only a few words of our great English which pertains to his livelihood skills back from his mother country."

The irritant Judge looked in disgust at the defendant and asked, "How much English do you speak?"

The lawyer translated that to the defendant, defendant looked the judge in the eyes and replied, “Give me your wallet!"

Smile

Smile, it is the key that fits the lock of everybody's heart.

A smile happens in a flash, but its memory can last a lifetime

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all

Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy

A warm smile is the universal language of kindness

Smiling makes you feel better about yourself, even if you don't feel like it. And it always makes other people think better of you.

A smile is a light in the window of a face that signifies the heart is at home and waiting

Life is like a mirror, we get the best results when we smile at it

You are never fully dressed until you wear a smile

A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks

Beauty is power; a smile is its sword.

Keep smiling - it makes people wonder what you've been up to

Peace begins with a smile

Every tear has a smile behind it.

Keep a smile on your face and let your personality be your autograph

No matter how small, a SMILE on your face tells all

What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity

Smiles are unbreakable- -and mend broken hearts

Smiles are great investments: the more you collect, the better you feel

Be multilingual; smiles are the universal language

A laugh is a smile that bursts

A smile is just a frown upside-down

A smile is as nice to give, as it is to receive

Most smiles start with another smile...

Though Smile cannot erase our burden, but it sure does make us feel lighter...

Just smile pleaseeeeeeee

NURSE NANCY

Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy.
'She's out of control!' the first doctor says.

'She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours, he almost died!'

'That's nothing, 'said the second doctor, "earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!'

All of a sudden they heard a blood curdling scream from down the hallway.

'OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!'

*******

Child's query

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother,

"Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said,

"So why is the groom wearing black?"

Two horses

Just up the road from my home is a field, with two horses in it.

From a distance, each horse looks like any other horse. But if you stop your car, or are walking by, you will notice something quite amazing....

Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind. His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him. This alone is amazing.

If you stand nearby and listen, you will hear the sound of a bell.

Looking around for the source of the sound, you will see that it comes from the smaller horse in the field. Attached to the horse's halter is a small bell.. It lets the blind friend know where the other horse is, so he can follow.

As you stand and watch these two friends, you'll see that the horse with the bell is always checking on the blind horse, and that the blind horse will listen for the bell and then slowly walk to where the other horse is, trusting that he will not be led astray.

When the horse with the bell returns to the shelter of the barn each evening, it stops occasionally and looks back, making sure that the blind friend isn't too far behind to hear the bell.

Like the owners of these two horses, God does not throw us away just because we are not perfect or because we have problems or challenges.

He watches over us and even brings others into our lives to help us when we are in need.

Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by the little ringing bell of those who God places in our lives.

Other times we are the guide horse, helping others to find their way....

Good friends are like that ... You may not always see them, but you know they are always there.

Please listen for my bell and I'll listen for yours.

And remember... Be kinder than necessary - everyone you meet is fighting
Some kind of battle.
Live simply,
Love generously,
Care deeply,
Speak kindly....
Leave the rest to God

Diary Of a Young Wife

Monday:
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home.
It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.

Tuesday:
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.

Wednesday:
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.

Thursday:
Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.
It said, prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right.I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I'll try to be supportive.

Friday:
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did,to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday:
Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and it's little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of his work, or he wanted the chicken to dance.

When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out "why me? why me ?"

Hmmm....It must be his job.

Supernatural Power

There was this case in this hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed on Friday mornings around 9am regardless of their age, gender, medical history or medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had to do with the supernatural: Why did death occur at that same bed around the same time every Friday?

So the doctors decided to go down to that particular ward to investigate the cause of the deaths.

Come Friday morning, everyone at the hospital ward nervously waited for the terrible phenomenon to occur again. The new (unknowing) patient laid there.

Some doctors held wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil...and they waited.

8am, the patient was still alive...

8.30am...still breathing...

Just before the 'cursed' time, the door to the ward swung open...

Then Ah Soh, the part-time Friday cleaner, comes in and unplugs the life support system so that she can use the vacuum cleaner!

*********

Ladies vs the real women

Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's stillcooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt foran instant"fix-me-up."

Real Woman - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking,that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "Imade it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Real Woman - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink.. You might still have the headache, but who cares?

Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Real Woman - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone,for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feetup, eating it anyway.

Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Real Woman - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, usea bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

Real Woman - Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate it for you.

Ladies - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

Real Woman - Swanson frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.

Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latexdishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jarseasy.

Real Woman - Go ask the very cute neighbour to do it.

And finally the most important tip....

Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Real Woman - LEFTOVER WINE ?????
A little girl asked her father: 'How did the human race appear?'

The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.

The mother answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her father and said, 'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?'

The father answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your mother told you about hers.'

Some Wife Bashers

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!

**********
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

**********
Married life can be very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

**********
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.The wife decided to make a wish too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled "It really works!"

**********
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!"

The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

**********
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

**********
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

**********
Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him.

**********
There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go thru hell for her. They got married and now he is going thru hell.

**********
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing : either the car is new or the wife is

**********
A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The letter said, "If you don't promise to send us $100,000, we promise you we will kidnap your wife."

The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I can't keep my promise but I hope you will keep yours."

**********
"What's the matter, you look depressed." "I'm having trouble with my wife."
"What happened?" "She said she wasn't going to speak to me for 30 days."
"But that ought to make you happy." "It did, but today is the last day."

**********

Worlds AIDS day

HIV can never survive in any other liquid medium also other than blood or semen (& please for God sake ... never in Pani Puri wala pani)

************
Even if one drinks an HIV infected blood (or semen) of someone

(ingest through Gastro Intestinal track), the virus can not survive in the acidic pH of stomach. Highest extent of acidity is 0 (practically not possible) so imagine 1 as pH which is in our stomach. (This pH can burn

your own finger in less than a second if you dip in that acid).

************
Exposure of less than 1 second in AIR KILLS the HIV virus(hence story of needle pricks in Cinema theatres is a crap). Even if blood from a wound (of infected person) dries up (blood clot), the virus diesand can not infect anyone else

************
HIV transmission is ONLY an INFECTION i.e.entrance of virus in one's body. It DOES NOT MEAN AIDS.

************
An HIV-infected person (after entrance of virus) can progress to a condition of AIDS only after 8 to 10 YEARS (not in 15 days as in the Pani Puri story)

************
It is not HIV (virus) that kills a human .....the virus attacks immune cells (cells that fight against foreign pathogens/antigens)

and hence a person's ability to fight against infections & diseases slowly diminishes and person ultimately dies of a disease which could be as simple as TB

************
Most importantly, HIV is no longer a dreadful disease ... it is "CHRONIC MANAGEABLE DISEASE" just like Diabetes or Hypertension.

************
If there is anything you need to be careful from to prevent HIV is Unsafe sex, Blood transfusion (check before taking) /Blood donation (use sterilized needles only) and any blood contact during an accident or so where amount of bleeding is very high.

************
PLZ O PLZ spread this message to avoid rumors and to educate people.

************

Some light jokes

Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

~~~~~~
A drunkard was brought to court.
Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda."

~~~~~~~
Customer :Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter :Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.

~~~~~~
Customer:Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter:Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer:No, I can't.
Waiter:Then does it really matter?

~~~~~~
Little Susie came running into the house after school one day, shouting,
"Daddy!Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"
"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy.
"Come in to the living room and tell me about it."
"Well, "began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math's and 20 in science."

~~~~~~
Customer:Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter:Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.

~~~~~~
Customer:Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter:That' s all right sir, he won't drink much.

~~~~~~
Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.

~~~~~~~~~
Customer:Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter: So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
~~~~~~~
Customer :Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter :I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.

~~~~~~~
1st thief :Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief:But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief :Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.

~~~~~~~~
Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born.

~~~~~~~~~
Customer:Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter: Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?

~~~~~~~
Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter: Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time.

~~~~~~~
An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
'How long has what been going on?' said the man.

~~~~~~~
Girl : Do you love me?
Boy:Yes Dear.
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy :No, mine is undying love.

~~~~~~~~
There was a brilliant student and his General Knowledge (*GK*) was excellent.
He won every GK Quiz he took part in ....
Then one day he fell in love with a girl...
He proposed the girl, but she flatly rejected him The poor Indian fellow was heart-broken. .
Strangely, after this episode, he became very weak at GK, he stopped taking part in GK Quizzes.....
Now, can u tell WHY ???
Jab Dil Hi Toot Gaya Toh GK Kya Karenge!!

~~~~~~~~
Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband:Sure, what are my choices?
Wife :Yes and no.

~~~~~~~

Business Ethics

Father: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son: 'I will choose my own bride!'

Father: 'But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter.'
Son: 'Well, in that case...ok'

Next Day Father approaches Bill Gates.

Father: 'I have a husband for your daughter.'
Bill Gates: 'But my daughter is too young to marry!'

Father: 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.'
Bill Gates: 'Ah, in that case...ok'

Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Father: 'I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.'
President: 'But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!'

Father: 'But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law.'
President: 'Ah, in that case...ok'

This is how business is done!!

Moral: Even If you have nothing, You can get Anything.. But your
Attitude should be +ve...

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