Quote of the Day

dog

Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone...

"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.

Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.

The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back ... "Good morning, Mr. Williams.... Just called to say that I don't *have* a dog."

**********

Lucky guy

A deformed and ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" asks the bartender.

"I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks; like in the movies.

I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made …. All night, all over the house. We did everything;!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the bartender. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"

"Dunno...never found the head."

*********

EASY ....... DIFFICULT

Easy is to get a place is someone's address book.
Difficult is to get a place in someone's heart.

Easy is to judge the mistakes of others
Difficult is to recognize our own mistakes

Easy is to talk without thinking
Difficult is to refrain the tongue


Easy is to hurt someone who loves us.
Difficult is to heal the wound...

Easy is to forgive others
Difficult is to ask for forgiveness

Easy is to set rules.
Difficult is to follow them...

Easy is to dream every night.
Difficult is to fight for a dream...

Easy is to show victory.
Difficult is to assume defeat with dignity...

Easy is to admire a full moon.
Difficult to see the other side...

Easy is to stumble with a stone.
Difficult is to get up...

Easy is to enjoy life every day.
Difficult to give its real value...

Easy is to promise something to someone.
Difficult is to fulfill that promise...

Easy is to say we love.
Difficult is to show it every day...

Easy is to criticize others.
Difficult is to improve oneself...

Easy is to make mistakes.
Difficult is to learn from them...

Easy is to weep for a lost love.
Difficult is to take care of it so not to lose it.

Easy is to think about improving.
Difficult is to stop thinking it and put it into action...

Easy is to think bad of others
Difficult is to give them the benefit of the doubt...

Easy is to receive
Difficult is to give

Easy to read this
Difficult to follow

Easy is keep the friendship with words
Difficult is to keep it with meanings.

************

Beauty Secrets

For attractive lips,
Speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes,
Seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure,
Share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair,
Let a child run his fingers through it once a day.

For poise, walk with the knowledge
You never walk alone.

We leave you a tradition of the future.

The tender loving care of human beings will never become obsolete.

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, redeemed and redeemed and redeemed.

Never throw anyone away.

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.

As you grow older, you'll discover that you have two hands - one for helping yourself, the second for helping others.

You've great days still ahead of you. May there be many of them.

******

A SMALL PACKET ?

WHEN THE BOY WAS RETURNING AFTER HIS MARRIAGE…HE FOUND HIS WIFE HOLDING A SMALL PACKET..

THE BOY ASKED……..WHATS THERE IN THAT PACKET..

WIFE REPLIED…..DARLING THIS IS THE SECRET OF MY LIFE...PLS NEVER OPEN IT OR ASK ME ABOUT IT FURTHER….OTHERWISE OUR MARRIAGE WILL BE IN TROUBLE....

THE COUPLE SPENT THEIR DAYS HAPPILY……BUT THE BOY WAS VERY KEEN TO KNOW WHAT WAS THERE IN THAT SMALL PACKET……

AFTER SOME DAYS THE BOY AGAIN TOLD……DARLING AFTER MARRYING YOU , I GOT THE WOMAN OF MY DREAM…BUT TELL ME WHAT THAT PACKET IS…….IT WLL NEVER AFFECT OUR RELATIONSHIP… ..AS I LOVE U MORE THAN MY LIFE………………..BUT WIFE ONLY TOLD THAT I ALSO LOVE U MORE THAN MY LIFE….THATS WHY TELLING U NOT TO ASK ABOUT THAT……….

AFTER SOME DAYS WIFE WENT TO HER OWN HOUSE AND FORGOT TO TAKE HER PACKET………THEN THE BOY COULDN'T CONTROL HIMSELF….AND OPENED THAT PACKET…………

HE WAS SHOCKED TO OPEN THAT……..THERE WAS 30 RUPEES……AND 2 WHEAT GRAINS….IN THAT PACKET……THE BOY COULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT IT WAS…AND HOW IT COULD AFFECT THEIR MARRIAGE LIFE……

THEN WHEN HIS WIFE RETURNED …..HE BURST INTO LAUGHTER…..AND TOLD …DARLING WHAT IS THIS……AND HOW IT COULD HAVE AFFECTED OUR RELATIONSHIP……..WHATEVER MAY BE……U HAVE TO TELL ME ABOUT THE SECRET…….

THE THE WIFE REPLIED…………

THAT'S NOT GOOD……………….ANY WAY…….IF U HAVE ALREADY FINALISED TO KNOW THE SECRET …..HERE IT…………

BEFORE MARRIAGE ..EACH TIME I HAD SEX WITH ANY GUY…I PUT A WHEAT GRAIN IN THAT PACKET TO REALISE THAT I HAVE DONE A MISTAKE……

THE BOY SAW THOSE TWO WHEAT GRAINS….AND AFTER WAITING FOR TWO MINUTES TOLD…..……….. ITS OK……EVERYBODY MAKES MISTAKE …….

I STILL LOVE U BECAUSE U TOLD ME THE TRUTH…….. BUT WHAT IS THAT 30 RUPEES………… THE WIFE REPLIED…..THE BOY FAINTED…………

THE WIFE SAID……I HAVE SOLD 6 KG WHEAT AT A RATE RS 5 PER KG……………..!!!

You Are Wonderful

The following story captured our heart. It happened several years ago in the Paris opera house. A famous singer had been contracted to sing, and ticket sales were booming. In fact, the night of the concert found the house packed and every ticket sold.

The feeling of anticipation and excitement was in the air as the house manager took the stage and said, Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your enthusiastic support. I am afraid that due to illness, the man whom you've all come to hear will not be performing tonight. However, we have found a suitable substitute we hope will provide you with comparable entertainment.

The crowd groaned in disappointment and failed to hear the announcer mention the stand-in's name. The environment turned from excitement to frustration.

The stand-in performer gave the performance everything he had. When he had finished,there was nothing but an uncomfortable silence. No one applauded. Suddenly, from the balcony, a little boy stood up and shouted, Daddy, I think you are wonderful! The crowd broke into thunderous applause.

We all need people in our Lives who are willing to stand up once in a while and say, I think you are wonderful.

And at times others are expecting this from you.

Are you telling them how wonderful you are . . .??????????

Say it now and make someone's day more pleasant.

********

Engagement Ring

Nowadays, the engagement ring is a staple in our Western culture. It's taken for granted that if you want to tie the knot, you'll need a ring to show you're serious about a girl. Everyday guys come in our store needing to find the perfect ring, but few know why or how a ring has become the symbol of love. I'll expound on the history a bit so you can not only be a knight in shining armor, but also an educated knight in shining armor.

The ancient Egyptians were the first civilization to use the circle as a symbol of the union between a man and a woman. The very nature of a circle, without a beginning or an end, represents the eternity of love.

The Egyptians formed the first rings from bone or simple metals.

The ancient Greeks had a different angle on the ring. For them, the ring was a symbol of betrothal, a promise to one day become engaged.

Across many cultures, there's evidence that a gold ring emerged as the traditional gift of choice for a man to give the family of his future bride.

If you're wondering when diamonds entered the engagement process, tradition has it that the first diamond engagement ring was given in 1477 to Mary of Burgundy by Archduke Maximillian of Hamburg. Because diamond is the hardest and strongest mineral on earth, it was seen to resist breakage, and thus symbolize the unbending union of a man and woman in wedlock.

So it became increasingly popular for the European super wealthy and royalty to give a diamond engagement ring at this time.

Less wealthy citizens would have given a Fede (faith) ring in the form of two clasped hands more akin to the more modern claddagh (clasped hands) engagement rings.

And why do we wear the ring on the left hand? Tradition states that a vein called the vena amoris runs directly to the heart from the third finger of the left hand.

Fashion must have moved slowly then, because it was almost another 300 years until the development of the wedding band. In 1761, Queen Charlotte was the first documented bride to wear a wedding band to "guard her engagement ring". It seems to be a nice present from her forward-thinking man, King George III. If only he knew the implications of that gift.

*********

Change my room

The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room be changed.

"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."

"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.

"Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.

"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

*********

Wife's cat

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing.

As he was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.

At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?". "Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that damn cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"

King of the jungle

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared,

"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!

Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows,

"Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars,

"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon.

The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant -

"Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"
*********

VODKA

Health Tip of the Day - Who knew?!!!!

1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The stuff dissolves adhesive.

2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mould and mildew.

3. To clean your eyeglasses,simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.

4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.

5. Spray vodka on wine stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.

6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.

7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.

8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle with vodka and spray bees or wasps to kill them.

9 Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water into a Ziploc freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshing ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.

10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.

11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.

12. To cure foot odour, wash your feet with vodka.

13 Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.

14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.

15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.

The Irish

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box ."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that, You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

Father and Son

One old man was sitting with his 25 years old son in the train.

Train is about to leave the station.

All passengers are settling down their seat.

As train started young man was filled with lot of joy and
curiosity.

He was sitting on the window side.

He went out one hand and feeling the passing air. He
shouted, "Papa see all trees are going behind".

Old man smile and admired son feelings.

Beside the young man one couple was sitting and listing all
the conversion between father and son.

They were little awkward with the attitude of 25
years old man behaving like a small child.

Suddenly young man again shouted, "Papa see the pond
and animals. Clouds are moving with train".

Couple was watching the young man in embarrassingly.

Now its start raining and some of water drops touches the
young man's hand.

He filled with joy and he closed the eyes.

He shouted again," Papa it's raining, water is
touching me, see papa".

Couple couldn't help themselves and ask the old man.

"Why don't you visit the Doctor and get treatment for your son."

Old man said,

" Yes, We are coming from the hospital as Today
only my son got his eye sight for first time in his life".

Moral: "Don't draw conclusions until you know all the facts".

How To Become A Dad

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter.

She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

'Why?' my daughter asked. 'Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs' I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, 'Momma, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.'

I was thinking quickly. 'All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mom.' We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

'OH...I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad. '

'Exactly' I replied back with a big smile on my face.

Daddy's scribbles

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

Meaning Of Love

Since a very long time ago, people have searched for the

Meaning Of love. But even the great philosophers, with their

Profound definitions, could not fully touch its true essence. In

A survey of 4-8 year olds, kids share their views on love. But

What do little Kids know about love? Read on and be surprised

That despite Their young and innocent minds, kids already

Have a simple But deep grasp of That four-letter word.

"Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets

In the way."

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over

And paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for

Her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too.

That's love."

"When someone loves you, the way she says your name is

Different. You know that your name is safe in her mouth."

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."

"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but

You don't yell at him because you know it would hurt his

Feelings."

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she

Takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired

Of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.

My mommy and daddy are like that. They look gross when

They kiss but they look happy and sometimes they dance in

The kitchen while kissing."

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop

Opening presents and listen."

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a

Friend who you hate."

"Love is hugging. Love is kissing. Love is saying no."

"When you tell someone something bad about yourself and

You're scared she won't love you anymore. But then you get

Surprised Because not only does she still love you, she loves

You even more."

"There are 2 kinds of love. Our love. God's love. But God makes

Both kinds of them."

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are

Still friends even after they've know each other so well."

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked

At all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving

And smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."

"Love is-if you hold hands and sit beside each other in the

Cafeteria. That means you're in love. Otherwise, you can sit

Across from each other and be okay."

"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone

Else kissing me to sleep at night."

"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken."

"Don't feel so bad if you don't have a boyfriend. There's lots of

Stuff you can do without one."

"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still

Says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."

"If you want somebody to love you, then just be yourself. Some

People try to act like somebody else, somebody the boy likes better.

I think the boy isn't being very good if he does this to you and you Should just find a nicer boy."

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him

Alone all day"

"When you're born and see your mommy for the first time.

"Love is what makes people hide in the dark corners of movie theaters."

"Love goes on even when you stop breathing and you pick up

Where you left off when you reach heaven."

"My enemies taught me how to love."

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her

Old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But

If you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."

"You have to fall in love before you get married. Then when

You're married, you just sit around and read books together."

"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only

Picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister

Because I love her."

"Love cards like Valentine's cards say stuff on them that we'd like

To say ourselves, but we wouldn't be caught dead saying."

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and

Little stars come out of you."

"Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't

Think it's gross."

"You never have to be lonely. There's always somebody to love,

Even If it's just a squirrel or a kitten."

"You can break love, but it won't die."

What's the difference

What's the difference between an embassy and a consulate?

A consulate is like a junior embassy. It's generally located in a busy tourist city, and takes care of minor diplomatic tasks such as issuing visas.

The word consulate literally means office of the consul, who is a diplomat appointed to foster trade and take care of expatriates. You can read some pointed essays about the role of the modern day consulate at the American Foreign Service site.

Embassies are much bigger deals. The word embassy comes from the French ambassade, or office of the ambassador. Ambassadors are high-ranking diplomatic representatives who serve as spokespersons for their national governments.

If one country recognizes the sovereignty of another, they generally establish an embassy there. Embassies take care of the same administrative duties as consulates, but they also represent their governments abroad.

This can be tricky business. For instance, the United States doesn't maintain an embassy in Taiwan (in order to maintain diplomatic relations with China), but it does operates a consulate there to take care of its overseas citizens.

For an interesting online look at another prickly diplomatic relation, check out the U.S. Embassy in Malaysia, which features a reaction statement to the recent incarceration of Malaysia's former Deputy Prime Minister, Anwar Ibrahim.

You may recall the famous photograph from 1975 of American citizens ostensibly fleeing the American embassy in Saigon.

The building was in fact an apartment complex across the street, but the message was clear: once the embassy leaves, the country symbolically leaves.
***********

Navy man and Army man

A Navy man and an Army man are driving opposite directions on a curvy mountain road. The army man hits a patch of sand, swerves, and nails the Navy man's truck. They both exit their cars with no injuries, but their vehicles are ruined.

Now, the rivalry between Army and Navy is well known, so needless to say a heated argument followed. Then suddenly the Navy man changed heart and said, "Hold on, this is dumb. It was an accident. Let's put this rivalry behind us."

The Army man agreed this was a good idea. So the Navy man offered, "Why don't we celebrate our new friendship over a fifth of vodka? I have a bottle in the truck."

The Army man thought this was an excellent idea. So the Navy man, being a gentleman, offered the Army man the first drink, and told the Army man to drink as much as he wanted. Soon half the bottle was gone and he offered the bottle back to the Navy man who said, "Thanks, but I'll wait till after the cops get here!"

******

Blood Business

A Lalloobhai Bihari needed a heart transplant.

A lots of blood was required in case of emergency need of his rare type of blood. This blood was nowhere to be found.

Finally, a Makhichus Marwari with matching blood came forward from Marwar, for this price-less gift to others and next life punya merit it brought for free, to Patna for this free trip at Bihari's expense.

Surgery was accomplished with success. Bihari sent a thank you note, a beautiful car, a diamond ring, and tons of political money to the Marwari for his sense of philanthropy.

Soon in a few months need to attend to Bihari's heart again became necessary.

Marwari was called upon from Rajasthan to Jharkhand at his own expense.

He came flying, stayed like king, gave the blood again and left.

Bihari was cured, sent a simple "Thank you and may God bless you" note.

Marwari was furious

Came running on his feet from one end of the country to the other, loosing half his weight, for his just reward in this life, demanded an explanation why it was such a miserly sense of gratitude from this world famous filthy rich political Bihari now.

Bihari calmly explained, "Ha Bhaia, what I do? I now have Marwari blood in me, remember, you are the one who gave it to me?"

*******

Work Attitude

An elderly carpenter was ready to retire. He told his employer-contractor of his plans to leave the house-building business and live a more leisurely life with his wife enjoying his extended family. He would miss the paycheck, but he needed to retire.

They could get by. The contractor was sorry to see his good worker go and asked if he could build just one more house as a personal favor. The carpenter said yes, but in time it was easy to see that his heart was not in his work.

He resorted to Shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials. It was an unfortunate way to end a dedicated career. When the carpenter finished his work the employer came to inspect the house. He handed the front-door key to the carpenter. "This is your house" he said, "my gift to you."

The carpenter was shocked! What a shame! If he had only known he was building his own house, he would have done it all so differently.

So it is with us. We build our lives, a day at a time, often putting less than our best into the building. Then with a shock we realize we have to live in the house we have built. If we could do it over, we'd do it much differently. But we cannot go back.

You are the carpenter. Each day you hammer a nail, place a board, or erect a Wall. "Life is a do-it-yourself project" someone has said . Your attitudes and the choices you make today, build the "house" you live in tomorrow. Build wisely!

******

MONKEY IN THE PLANE

Once in Brazil a plane crashed, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive. Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions.
The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.

Officer: "When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Tying their belts"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Saying Hello! Good morning!"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Checking the system"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Looking for my people"

Officer: "After 10' minutes what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Having beverages and snacks"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Serving the travelers"
Officer: "What were the Pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the steering"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Eating & throwing"

Officer: "After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Some were sleeping and some were reading"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Make up"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the steering"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Nothing"

Officer: "Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "All were sleeping"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the air hostess"
Officer: What were you doing?
Monkey: Handling the steering!!!! !

No more Questions!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!

*******

HAPPY COUPLE

Once upon a time a couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret.

Editor: "Sir. It's unbelievable. How did you make this possible?" Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: "We had our honeymoon after marriage. we selected the horse riding, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one.

On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said "This is your first time". She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm and said "This is your second time" and continued. When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead!!

I shouted at my wife: "What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?".

She gave a silent look and said: "This is your first time!!!".

Husband: "That's it. I understood her, I accepted her as it is, and hence we are happy ever after. "

One of the Secrets to become Happy is:

"ACCEPT THE PERSON AS IT IS"

Christmas shopping

It was nearly Christmas and Judge Judy was in a happy mood. She asked the defendant, "What are you being prosecuted for?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping too early," replied the defendant.

"That's not a crime," replied Judge Judy.

"How early were you doing you Christmas shopping?"

"Before the store opened," replied the defendant!

put the glass down

A professor began his class by holding up a glass with some water in it.

He held it up for all to see; asked the students,' How much do you think this glass weighs?'

'50gms!' .... '100gms!' ......'125gms' ......the students answered.

'I really don't know unless I weigh it,' said the professor,'but, my question is: What would happen if I held it up like this for a few minutes?'

'Nothing' the students said.

'Ok what would happen if I held it up like this for an hour?' the professor asked.

'Your arm would begin to ache' said one of the students.

'You're right, now what would happen if I held it for a day?'

'Your arm could go numb, you might have severe muscle stress; paralysis;

Have to go to hospital for sure!'ventured another student; all the students laughed.

'Very good. But during all this, did the weight of the glass change?' asked

The professor. 'No' the students said.

Then what caused the arm ache & the muscle stress?'

The students were puzzled.

'Put the glass down!' said one of the students.

'Exactly!' said the professor.' Life's problems are something like this.

Hold it for a few minutes in your head; they seem OK.

Think of them for a long time & they begin to ache. Hold it even longer & they begin to paralyze you. You will not be able to do anything.

It's important to think of the challenges (problems) in your life, but

EVEN MORE IMPORTANT to 'put them down' at the end of every day before you go to sleep.

That way, you are not stressed, you wake up every day fresh & strong & can handle any issue, any challenge that comes your way!'

Remember to 'PUT THE GLASS DOWN TODAY!

*********

BEST THOUGHTS

BEST THOUGHTS ----- who is..
*********
Best Teacher ----- EXPERIENCE
*********
Best Book ----- LIFE
*********
Best Student ----- DILIGENCE
*********
Best Lesson ----- PATIENCE
*********
Best Friend ----- PRAISE
*********
Best Sport ----- DUTY
*********
Best Dress ----- SMILE
*********
Best Shelter ----- TRUTH
*********
Best Medicine ----- LAUGH
*********
Best Manners ----- COURTESY
*********
Best Hobby ----- SERVICE
*********
Best Religion ----- HUMANITY
*********
Best Relation ----- LOVE
*********
Best Insurance ----- GOOD DEEDS.....!! !
*********

A young peasant girl

A young peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory. After 2 months she gave the boss a two-week notice.

The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hard working, knew her tasks etc. He called her into his office, "But why?" he asked.

"Nothing, I just wanna quit that's all," she said sullenly.

"Look, I'll give you a raise."

"No," she said

"You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me."

"Okay if you must know..." said the girl, and she took off her underwear and pointed to her pubic hair, "Look I haven't had this before, it's the broom's bristles, I tell you..."

Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and showed his, and said, "Ha ha...my dear it's nature. Look I have it too...."

"Oh no!" the girl cried, "I can't wait two weeks, I quit now! Not only do you have the bristles, but you've grown the handle as well."

A Simple Calculation! - But Stunning!

Amazing Growth of INFOSYS

We all know about the growth story of Infosys. How about the stock? Lets find out.

Infosys was founded by Narayana Murthy along with some others in 1981. It came with an IPO in 1993 at the price of Rs. 95.

Everybody who applied got the shares. Many missed the Diamond opportunity by not applying.

Suppose that a person applied for 100 Shares. It would cost him Rs. 9500.

Let us assume that he is holding the same position till today. What will be the value now?

Let us calculate.

Remember that in these 13 years Infosys would have offered many dividends.

Let us keep this aside and calculate the value of shares alone. Soon after IPO, Infy gave 1:1 bonus in 1994.

So, our 100 shares will be 200 in 1994. Again they gave 1:1 bonus in 1996.

That will take the count to 400 shares. And again in 1998 they offered bonus of 1:3 shares. That will take our count to 1600 shares.

In 2000, they split the stocks (Rs. 10 FC to Rs. 5 FC). This will take our count to 3200 shares. In 2004, again they announced 1:1 bonus. It will take our count to 6400 shares.

Recently, two months back they gave bonus shares in the ratio of 1:1. Now, the count of ours would be 12800.

Today(13/10/ 2006), I checked the CMP of Infosys. Its Rs. 2070. So, what will be the value of our shares?

12800 x 2070 = Rs. 2,64,96,000. Yes, its Two Crores Sixty Four Lakh and Ninety Six Thousand only.

What other investment would have taken to this level? Real-Estate? Bank Deposit? Gold? I don't think so.

A Bank deposit of Rs. 9500 in the same year at the rate of 12% would have hardly fetched us Rs.38,000 by this time.

Can u find ONE MORE INFOSYS..... ......... ....now and tell me also :)

Don't break the elastic

In April, Maya Angelou was interviewed by Oprah on her 70+ birthday.

Oprah asked her what she thought of growing older.
And there on television, she said it was 'exciting.'

Maya Angelou said this:

'I've learned that no matter what happens or how bad it seems today, life does go on and it will be better tomorrow.'

'I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage and tangled Christmas tree lights.'

'I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.'

'I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as 'making a life.'

'I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.'

'I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands . You need to be able to throw some things back.'

'I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.'

'I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.'

'I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug or just a friendly pat on the back.'

'I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.'

'I've learned that people will forget what you said; people will forget what you did; but people will never forget how you made them feel.'

Mind Blowing Facts

1. Turtles have no teeth.

2. Prehistoric turtles may have weighed as much as 5,000 pounds.

3. Only one out of a thousand baby sea turtles survives after hatching.

4. Sea turtles absorb a lot of salt from the sea water in which they live. They excrete excess salt from their eyes, so it often looks as though they're crying.

5. Helium is a colourless, odourless, tasteless inert gas at room temperature and makes up about 0.0005% of the air we breathe.

6. Helium Balloon Gas makes balloons float. Helium is lighter than air and just as the heaviest things will tend to fall to the bottom, the lightest things will rise to the top.

7. Helium Balloon Gas makes balloons float. Helium is lighter than air and just as the heaviest things will tend to fall to the bottom, the lightest things will rise to the top.

8. Camels can spit.

9. An ostrich can run 43 miles per hour (70 kilometers per hour).

10. Pigs are the fourth most intelligent animal in the world.

11. Dinosaurs didn't eat grass? There was no grass in the days of the dinosaurs.

12. Dolphins can swim 37 miles per hour (60 kilometers per hour).

13. A crocodile's tongue is attached to the roof of its mouth? It cannot move. It cannot chew but its Digestive juices are so strong that it can digest a steel nail, Glass pieces, etc

14. Sharks are immune to disease i.e they do not suffer from any Disease.

15. Animals are either right- or left-handed? Polar bears are always left-handed, and so is Kermit the Frog.

16. Paris, France has more dogs than people.

17. New Zealand is home to 70 million sheep and only 40 million people.

18. Male polar bears weigh 1400 pounds and females only weight 550 pounds, on average.

19. Bison are excellent swimmers? Their head, hump and tail never go below the surface of the water.

20. There are 6 to 14 frogs species in the world that have no tongues. One of these is the African dwarf frog.

21. A frog named Santjie, who was in a frog derby in South Africa jumped 33 feet 5.5 inches.

22. The longest life span of a frog was 40 years

23. The eyes of a frog flatten down when it swallows its prey

24. The name `India' is derived from the River Indus

25. The Persian invaders converted it into Hindu. The name `Hindustan' combines Sindhu and Hindu and thus refers to the land of the Hindus.

26. Chess was invented in India.

27. The' place value system' and the 'decimal system' were developed in 100 BC in India.

28. The game of snakes & ladders was created by the 13th century poet saint Gyandev. It was originally called 'Mokshapat.' The ladders in the game represented virtues and the snakes indicated vices.

29. India has the most post offices in the world

30. 'Navigation' is derived from the Sanskrit word NAVGATIH

31. The word navy is also derived from the Sanskrit word 'Nou'.

32. Until 1896, India was the only source for diamonds to the world

33. The' place value system' and the 'decimal system' were developed in 100 BC in India.

34. A snail can sleep for 3 years.

35. The names of the continents all end with the same letter with which they start

36. Twenty-Four- Karat Gold is not pure gold since there is a small amount of copper in it. Absolutely pure gold is so soft that it can be molded with the hands.

37. Electricity doesn't move through a wire but through a field around the wire.

38. The first bicycle that was made in 1817 by Baron von Drais didn't have any pedals? People walked it along

39. The first steam powered train was invented by Robert Stephenson. It was called the Rocket.

40. A cheetah does not roar like a lion - it purrs like a cat (meow).

41. The original name for the butterfly was 'flutterby'

42. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

43. Ants don't sleep.

44. Dolphins usually live up to about twenty years, but have been known to live for about forty.

45. Dolphins sleep in a semi-alert state by resting one side of their brain at a time

46. A dolphin can hold its breath for 5 to 8 minutes at a time

47. Bats can detect warmth of an animal from about 16 cm away using its "nose-leaf".

48. Bats can also find food up to 18 ft. away and get information about the type of insect using their sense of echolocation.

49. The eyes of the chameleon can move independently & can see in two different directions at the same time.

50. Cockroach: Can detect movement as small as 2,000 times the diameter of a hydrogen atom.

51. Dragonfly: Eye contains 30,000 lenses.

52. Pig's Tongue contains 15,000 taste buds. For comparison, the human tongue has 9,000 taste buds.

53. The number system was invented by India. Aryabhatta was the scientist who invented the digit zero.

54. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

55. Earth weighs 5,972,000,000, 000,000,000, 000 tons

56. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

57. A duck's quack doesn't echo anywhere

58. Man is the only animal who'll eat with an enemy

59. The average woman uses about her height in lipstick every five years.

60. The first Christmas was celebrated on December 25,

61. AD 336 in Rome.

62. A Cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.

63. A chimpanzee can learn to recognize itself in a mirror, but monkeys can't

64. A rat can last longer without water than a camel can

65. About 10% of the world's population is left-handed

66. Dolphins sleep with one eye open

67. Snakes have no external ears. Therefore, they do not hear the music of a "snake charmer". Instead, they are probably responding to the movements of the snake charmer and the flute. However, sound waves may travel through bones in their heads to the middle ear.

68. Many spiders have eight eyes.

69. The tongue of snakes has no taste buds. Instead, the tongue is used to bring smells and tastes into the mouth. Smells and tastes are then detected in two pits, called "Jacobson's organs", on the roof of their mouths. Receptors in the pits then transmit smell and taste information to the brain.

70. Birds don't sweat

71. The highest kangaroo leap recorded is 10 ft and the longest is 42 ft

72. Flamingo tongues were eaten common at Roman feasts

73. The smallest bird in the world is the Hummingbird. It weighs 1oz

74. The bird that can fly the fastest is called a White it can fly up to 95 miles per hour.

75. The oldest living thing on earth is 12,000 years old. It is the flowering shrubs called creosote bushes in the Mojave Desert

76. Tea is said to have been discovered in 2737 BC by a Chinese emperor when some tea leaves accidentally blew into a pot of boiling water.

77. A person can live without food for about a month, but only about a week without water.

If the amount of water in your body is reduced by just 1%, you'll feel thirsty.

If it's reduced by 10%, you'll die.

78. Along with its length neck, the giraffe has a very long tongue -- more than a foot and a half long. A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue

79. Ostriches can kick with tremendous force, but only forward. Don't Mess with them

80. An elephant can smell water three miles away

81. If you were to remove your skin, it would weigh as much as 5 pounds

82. A hippopotamus can run faster than a man

83. India never invaded any country in her last 10000 years of history

84. The world's known tallest man is Robert Pershing Wadlow. The giraffe is 5.49m (18 ft.), the man is 2.55m (8ft. 11.1 in.).

85. The world's tallest woman is Sandy Allen. She is 2.35m (7 ft. 7 in.).

86. The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning its head are the rabbit and the parrot.

87. The blue whale is the largest animal on earth. The heart of a blue whale is as big as a car, and its tongue is as long as an elephant.

88. The largest bird egg in the world today is that of the ostrich. Ostrich eggs are from 6 to 8 inches long. Because of their size and the thickness of their shells, they take 40 minutes to hard-boil. The average adult male ostrich, the world's largest living bird, weighs up to 345 pounds.

89. Every dolphin has its own signature whistle to distinguish it from other dolphins, much like a human fingerprint

90. The world's largest mammal, the blue whale, weighs 50 tons i.e. 50000 Kg at birth. Fully grown, it weighs as much as 150 tons i.e. 150000 Kg.

91. 90 % of all the ice in the world in on Antarctica

92. Antarctica is DRIEST continent. Antarctica is a desert

93. Antarctica is COLDEST continent, averaging minus 76 degrees in the winter

94. Mercury is the closest planet to the sun and it doesn't have a moon. Its atmosphere is so thin that during the day the temperature reaches 750 degrees, but at night it gets down to -300 degrees.

95. Jupiter is the largest planet. If Jupiter were hollow, you could fit 1000 earths inside! It is made up of gas and is not solid. The most famous feature on Jupiter is its Red Spot, which is actually an enormous hurricane that has been raging on Jupiter for hundreds of years! Sixteen moons orbit Jupiter.

96. Saturn is a very windy place! Winds can reach up to 1,100 miles per hour. Saturn is also made of gas. If you could find an ocean large enough, it would float. This planet is famous for its beautiful rings, and has at least 18 moons.

97. Uranus is the third largest planet, and is also made of gas. It's tilted on its side and spins north-south rather than east-west. Uranus has 15 moons.

98. Neptune takes 165 Earth years to get around the sun. It appears blue because it is made of methane gas. Neptune also has a big Spot like Jupiter. Winds on Neptune get up to 1,200 mile per hour! Neptune has 8 moons.

99. Pluto is the farthest planet from the sun... usually. It has such an unusual orbit that it is occasionally closer to the sun than Neptune. Pluto is made of rock and ice.

100. Just about everyone listens to the radio! 99% of homes in the United States have a least one radio. Most families have several radios.

101. Sound is sent from the radio station through the air to your radio by means of electromagnetic waves. News, music, Bible teaching, baseball games, plays, advertisements- these sounds are all converted into electromagnetic waves (radio waves) before they reach your radio and your ears.

102. At the radio station, the announcer speaks into a microphone. The microphone changes the sound of his voice into an electrical signal. This signal is weak and can't travel very far, so it's sent to a transmitter. The transmitter mixes the signal with some strong radio signals called carrier waves. These waves are then sent out through a special antenna at the speed of light! They reach the antenna of your radio. Your antenna "catches" the signal, and the radio's amplifier strengthens the signal and sends it to the speakers. The speakers vibrate, and your ears pick up the vibrations and your brain translates them into the voice of the radio announcer back at the station. When you consider all the places the announcer's voice travels

103. Every radio station has its own frequency. When you turn the tuning knob on your radio, you are choosing which frequency you want your antenna to "catch."

104. Mountain lions are known by more than 100 names, including panther, catamount, cougar, painter and puma. It's scientific name is Felis concolor, which means "cat of one color." At one time, mountain lions were very common!

105. The large cats of the world are divided into two groups- those that roar, like tigers and African lions, and those that purr. Mountain lions purr, hiss, scream, and snarl, but they cannot roar.

106. They can jump a distance of 30 feet, and jump as high as 15 feet. It would take quite a fence to keep a mountain lion out!

107. Their favorite food is deer, but they'll eat other critters as well. They hunt alone, not in packs like wolves. They sneak up on their prey just like a house cat sneaks up on a bird or toy- one slow step at a time. A lion can eat ten pounds of meat at one time! That's equivalent to 40 quarter-pounder hamburgers!

108. Queen ants can live to be 30 years old

109. Dragonflies can flap their wings 28 times per second and they can fly up to 60 miles per hour

110. As fast as dragonflies can flap their wings, bees are even faster... they can flap their wings 435 times per second

111. Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.

112. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath

113. Your heart beats over 100,000 times a day

114. Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people

115. The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump!

116. Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails!

117. Women blink nearly twice as much as men

118. Honey is the only food that does not spoil. Honey found in the tombs of Egyptian pharaohs has been tasted by archaeologists and found edible

119. Coca-Cola would be green if colouring weren't added to it.

120. More people are allergic to cow's milk than any other food.

121. Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from blowing sand

122. Earth is the only planet not named after a god.

123. It's against the law to burp, or sneeze in a church in Nebraska, USA.

124. Some worms will eat themselves if they can't find any food!

125. It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open

126. Queen Elizabeth I regarded herself as a paragon of cleanliness. She declared that she bathed once every three months, whether she needed it or not

127. Slugs have 4 noses.

128. Owls are the only birds who can see the colour blue.

129. Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end

130. More than 1,000 different languages are spoken on the continent of Africa.

131. There was once an undersea post office in the Bahamas.

132. Abraham Lincoln's mother died when she drank the milk of a cow that grazed on poisonous snakeroot

133. After the death of Albert Einstein his brain was removed by a pathologist and put in a jar for future study.

134. Penguins are not found in the North Pole

135. A dentist invented the Electric Chair.

136. A whip makes a cracking sound because its tip moves faster than the speed of sound

137. Alexander Graham Bell's wife and mother were both deaf

138. Cockroaches break wind every 15 minutes.

139. Fish scales are an ingredient in most lipsticks

140. Canada" is an Indian word meaning "Big Village".

141. 259200 people die every day.

142. 11% of the world is left-handed

143. 1.7 litres of saliva is produced each day

144. The worlds oldest piece of chewing gum is 9000 years old!

145. The largest beetle in the Americas is the Hercules beetle, which can be 4 to 6 inches in length. That's bigger than your hand!

146. A full-grown male mountain lion may be 9 feet long, including his tail!

147. There are two kinds of radio stations: AM and FM. That's why there are two dials on your radio. AM is used mostly for stations that specialize in talking, such as Christian stations that have Bible stories and sermons; sports stations that broadcast live baseball and football games; and stations that specialize in news programs and "talk shows," where listeners call the station and discuss various topics. FM is used mostly for stations that specialize in music.

148. The average lead pencil can draw a line that is almost 35 miles long or you can write almost 50,000 words in English with just one pencil

149. The Wright Brothers invented one of the first airplanes. It was called the Kitty Hawk.

150. The worst industrial disaster in India, occurred in 1984 in Bhopal the capital of Madhya Pradesh. A deadly chemical, methly isocyanate leaked out of the Union Carbide factory killing more than 2500 and leaving thousands sick. In fact the effects of this gas tragedy is being felt even today.

151. Mars is nicknamed the "Red Planet," because it looks reddish in the night sky. Mars has 2 moons.

152. Venus is nicknamed the "Jewel of the Sky." Because of the greenhouse effect, it is hotter than Mercury, even though it's not as close to the sun. Venus does not have a moon but it does have clouds of sulfuric acid! If you're gonna visit Venus, pack your gas mask!

153. Tens of thousands of participants come from all over the world, fight in a harmless battle where more than one hundred metric tons of over-ripe tomatoes are thrown in the streets.

The Phone Call

The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear.

"How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?"

"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples over for dinner tonight."

The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy.

"Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."

"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"

"Why, George! Your husband!... Isn't this 223-1374?"

"No, this is 232-1374."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."

There was a short pause and the housewife said,

"Does this mean you're not coming over?"

*******

This is how we thank our mother

When you came into the world, she held you in her arms. You thanked her by wailing like a banshee.

When you were 1 year old, she fed you and bathed you. You thanked her by crying all night long.

When you were 2 years old, she taught you to walk. You thanked her by running away when she called.

When you were 3 years old, she made all your meals with love. You thanked her by tossing your plate on the floor.

When you were 4 years old, she gave you some crayons. You thanked her by coloring the dining room table.

When you were 5 years old, she dressed you for the holidays. You thanked her by plopping into the nearest pile of mud.

When you were 6 years old, she walked you to school. You thanked her by screaming, "I'M NOT GOING!"

When you were 7 years old, she bought you a baseball. You thanked her by throwing it through the next-door-neighbor' s window.

When you were 8 years old, she handed you an ice cream. You thanked her by dripping it all over your lap.

When you were 9 years old, she paid for music lessons. You thanked her by never even bothering to practice.

When you were 10 years old, she drove you all day, from soccer to gymnastics to one birthday party after another. You thanked her by jumping out of the car and never looking back.

When you were 11 years old, she took you and your friends to the movies.You thanked her by asking to sit in a different row.

When you were 12 years old, she warned you not to watch certain TV shows. You thanked her by waiting until she left the house.Those teenage years -

When you were 13, she suggested a haircut that was becoming.You thanked her by telling her she had no taste.

When you were 14, she paid for a month away at summer camp.You thanked her by forgetting to write a single letter.

When you were 15, she came home from work, looking for a hug.You thanked her by having your bedroom door locked.

When you were 16, she taught you how to driver her car.You thanked her by taking it every chance you could.

When you were 17, she was expecting an important call.You thanked her by being on the phone all night.

When you were 18, she cried at your high school graduation.You thanked her by staying out partying until dawn.Growing old and gray -

When you were 19, she paid for your college tuition, drove you to campus, carried your bags.You thanked her by saying good-bye outside the dorm so you wouldn't be embarrassed in front of your friends.

When you were 20, she asked whether you were seeing anyone.You thanked her by saying, "It's none of your business."

When you were 21, she suggested certain careers for your future.You thanked her by saying, "I don't want to be like you."

When you were 22, she hugged you at your college graduation.You thanked her by asking whether she could pay for a trip to Europe.

When you were 23, she gave you furniture for your first apartment.You thanked her by telling your friends it was ugly.

When you were 24, she met your fiancé and asked about your plans for the future.You thanked her by glaring and growling, "Muuhh-there, please!"

When you were 25, she helped to pay for your wedding, and she cried and told you how deeply she loved you.You thanked her by moving halfway across the country.

When you were 30, she called with some advice on the baby.You thanked her by telling her, "Things are different now."

When you were 40, she called to remind you of an relative's birthday.You thanked her by saying you were "really busy right now."

When you were 50, she fell ill and needed you to take care of her.You thanked her by reading about the burden parents become to their children.And then, one day, she quietly moved. And

Everything you never did came crashing down like thunder. Let us take a moment of the time just to pay tribute/show appreciation to the SPECIAL person called MOTHER though some may not say it openly to their mother.

There's no substitute for her. Cherished every single moment. Though at times she may not be the best of friends, may not agree to our thoughts, she is still your mother!!!

She will be there for you...to listen to your woes, your bragging, your frustrations, etc.

Ask yourself. have you put aside enough time for her, to listen to her "blues" of working in the kitchen, her tiredness??? Be tactful, loving and still show her due respect though you may have a different view from her.

************ **

Confession

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly , sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet , not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says , "Dark in here."

The man says , "Yes , it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No , thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK , how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks , it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes , it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover , remembering the last time , asks the boy , "How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later , the father says to the boy , "Grab your gloves , let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says , "I can't , I sold my ball and my glove."

The father asks , "How much did you sell them for?"

The boy says , "$500"

The father says , "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.

I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says , "Dark in here."

The priest says , "Don't start that shit again , you're in my closet now.

*******

Life is Nothing without Friends

My Mom always told me that we could never measure our wealth by money but by our friends. She would surely be glad to meet you and know how rich I turned out to be!

Tiny but wonderful seeds of blessings are sprinkled on earth each day...and I just caught one that's so nice and true..

And it's you!

I may have forgotten to say that I care. I may have failed to open up and share, but though no words have been spoken, my promise of friendship won't be broken .

Time and distance are important between friends. When a friend is in your heart, they remain there forever. I may be busy, but I assure you, you are always in my heart!

Friends are like the walls of a house. Sometimes they hold you up, sometimes you lean on them. But sometimes, it's enough to know they're just standing by.

If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them; I'd be at the bottom to catch them.

One tree can start a forest, one smile can start a friendship.

One touch can show you care, one friend can make life worth living for.

Letter to God

A little boy wanted Rs.50 very badly and prayed for weeks,but nothing happened.

Finally he decided to write God a letter requesting the Rs.50. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God - INDIA ,they decided to forward it to the President of the India as a joke.

The President was amused, but thought Rs.50 would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy, and he did not want to spoil the kid.

So he instructed his secretary to send the little boy Rs.30.

The little boy was delighted with Rs. 30, and decided to write a thank you note to God,

which read: "Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money.. However, I noticed that you sent it through the President's Office . . and those donkeys
deducted Rs.20 as tax"

Height of Communication GAP

Mr.Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, Mrs.Sharma receives a telephone call from Electric Company because the electricity bill has not been paid. " Am I speaking to Mrs.Sharma ? " "Yes...... speaking"

guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the guy .

"What are you saying? It's in your files ...... HOW ?????"

"Yes ........... We have a system of finding out who's overdue "

"GOD !!!!!!...... ... this is too much........ .."

"Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue"

"I know that ........ let me talk to my husband about this tonight. ..... he will speak to your company tomorrow "

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to Electric Company's office the next day morning.

"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at Elecric Company , "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

********

interesting facts

1) Human birth control pill work on gorillas.

2) The right lung takes in more air than the left.

3) it is illegal to own a red car in shanghai china.

4) A hard-boiled egg will spin. An uncooked or soft-boiled egg will not.

5) Astronauts cannot burp in space.

6) The snowiest city in the U.S.A. is blue canyon, California

7) Lake Nicaragua in Nicaragua is the only fresh water lake in the world that has sharks.

8) Kite flying is a professional sport in Thailand.

9) The great warrior Genghis khan died in bed while having sex.

10) No matter how cold it gets gasoline will not freeze.

30 Fascinating Cigarette Smoking Facts

The world’s view on smoking cigarettes has changed dramatically over the last century. The habit was once considered to be cool, sexy, good for your health, and widely enjoyed by many people. It was promoted by sportsmen, and advertised all over television. No one could be seen acting in a movie without a lit cigarette in their hand! Today, smoking is considered to be a nasty addictive habit that can kill you and those around you. You wont find them advertised anywhere - nor will you see anyone smoking inside a public building. It seems that these days smokers are considered to be anti-social and are often frowned at if seen smoking outside in crowded places. Below is a list of interesting facts about cigarettes.

1. Cigarettes are the single-most traded item on the planet, with approximately 1 trillion being sold from country to country each year. At a global take of more than $400 billion, it’s one of the world’s largest industries.

2. The nicotine content in several major brands is reportedly on the rise. Harvard University and the Massachusetts Health Department revealed that between 1997 and 2005 the amount of nicotine in Camel, Newport, and Doral cigarettes may have increased by as much as 11 percent.

3. In 1970, President Nixon signed the law that placed warning labels on cigarettes and banned television advertisements for cigarettes. The last date that cigarette ads were permitted on TV was extended by a day, from December 31, 1970 to January 1, 1971 to allow the television networks one last cash windfall from cigarette advertising in the New Year’s Day football games.

4. U.S. cigarette manufacturers now make more money selling cigarettes to countries around the globe than they do selling to Americans.

5. The American brands Marlboro, Kool, Camel and Kent own roughly 70% of the global cigarette market.

6. Cigarettes contain arsenic, formaldehyde, lead, hydrogen cyanide, nitrogen oxide, carbon monoxide, ammonia and 43 known carcinogens.

7. In the early 1950s, the Kent brand of cigarettes used crocidolite asbestos as part of the filter, a known active carcinogen.

8. Urea, a chemical compound that is a major component in urine, is used to add “flavor” to cigarettes.

9. The ‘Cork Tip’ filter was originally invented in 1925 by Hungarian inventor Boris Aivaz, who patented the process of making the cigarette filter from crepe paper. All kinds of filters were tested, although ‘cork’ is unlikely to have been one of them.

10. In most countries around the world, the legal age for the purchase of tobacco products is now 18, raised from 16, while in Japan the age minimum is 20 years old.

11. Contrary to popular social belief, it is NOT illegal to smoke tobacco products at any age. Parents are within the law to allow minors to smoke, and minors are within the law to smoke tobacco products freely. However, the SALE of tobacco products is highly regulated with legal legislation.

12. Smoking bans in many parts of the world have been employed as a means to stop smokers smoking in public. As a result, many social businesses have claimed a significant drop in the number of people who go out to pubs, bars and restaurants.

13. Scientists claim the average smoker will lose 14 years of their life due to smoking. This however does not necessarily mean that a smoker will die young - and they may still live out a ‘normal’ lifespan.

14. The U.S. states with the highest percentage of smokers are Kentucky (28.7%), Indiana (27.3%), and Tennessee (26.8%), while the states with the fewest are Utah (11.5%), California ( 15.2%), and Connecticut (16.5%).

15. Cigarettes can contain more than 4,000 ingredients, which, when burned, can also produce over 200 ‘compound’ chemicals. Many of these ‘compounds’ have been linked to lung damage.

16. The United States is the only major cigarette market in the world in which the percentage of women smoking cigarettes (22%) comes close to the number of men who smoke (35%). Europe has a slightly larger gap (46% of men smoke, 26% of women smoke), while most other regions have few women smokers. The stats: Africa (29% of men smoke, 4% of women smoke); Southeast Asia (44% of men, 4% of women), Western Pacific (60% of men, 8% of women)

17. Nicotine reaches the brain within 10 seconds after smoke is inhaled. It has been found in every part of the body and in breast milk.

18. Sugar approximates to roughly 20% of a cigarette, and many diabetics are unaware of this secret sugar intake. Also, the effect of burning sugar is unknown.

19. ‘Lite’ cigarettes are produced by infusing tobacco with CO2 and superheating it until the tobacco ‘puffs up’ like expanding foam. The expanded tobacco then fills the same paper tube as ‘regular’ tobacco.

20. Smokers draw on ‘lite’ and menthol cigarettes harder (on average) than regular cigarettes; causing the same overall levels of tar and nicotine to be consumed.

21. ‘Lite’ cigarettes are manufactured with air holes around the filter to aerate the smoke as it is drawn in. Many smokers have learned to cover these holes with their fingers or their lips to get a stronger hit.

22. The immune systems of smokers has to work harder every day than non-smokers. As a result, a smokers’ blood will contain less antioxidants, although a smokers immune system may be quicker to respond to virus attacks due to its more active nature.

23. Smokers often smoke after meals to ‘allow food to digest easier’. In fact, this works because the bodies priority moves away from the digestion of food in favor of protecting the blood cells and flushing toxins from the brain.

24. Some people (mostly males) can be aroused by the sight of smoker smoking (usually females). This is called the Smoking Fetish, and affects a small number of the population. As with most fetishes, the reason for this arousal can usually be traced back to incidents in childhood. However, cigarettes - particularly menthols, force blood away from the penis if smoked while aroused.

25. According to the World Health Organization, approximately 25% of cigarettes sold around the world are smuggled.

26. Most smokers take up the habit in their mid teens, well before the legal age for purchasing them, and is seen as a right of passage towards adulthood. Other perceived rights of passage include: aftershave, wearing stilettos, alcohol, drugs and sexual intercourse; with a combination of these sometimes being cited as the main causes of teenage pregnancy.

27. Smoking tobacco is the ultimate gateway drug in that it is legally available, and involves mastering a unique method of intake - much more so than alcohol (which has such a significant effect that users need look no further for stimulation). Smokers looking to get ‘high’ will very rarely do so from cigarettes after the initial stages of taking up the habit.

28. Smokers generally report a variety of after-effects; such as calmness, relaxation, alertness, stimulation, concentration and many others. In fact, smoking will produce a different effect in each individual depending on ‘what they expect to get’; turning the cigarette into the worlds most popular placebo (satisfying the brains hunger for nicotine being the only ‘relaxing’ factor). The smoker will then use these expectations as a means to continue the habit.

29. Several active ingredients and special methods of production are involved in making sure the nicotine in a cigarette is many times more potent than that of a tobacco plant.

30. ‘Toppings’ are added to the blended tobacco mix to add flavor and a taste unique to the manufacturer. Some of these toppings have included; clove, licorice, orange oil, apricot stone, lime oil, lavender oil, dill seed oil, cocoa, carrot oil, mace oil, myrrh, beet juice, bay leaf, oak, rum, vanilla, and vinegar.

*****

Birthday gift

The wife was very unhappy with her car and complained a lot to her husband:

Knowing her birthday was coming up shortly, she said to her husband...

'Buy me a surprise for my birthday!' she said.

'Something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds! And I would prefer a blue one!'

Happy and excited she was counting down the days to her birthday.

And on the day she finally she got the beautiful present her husband thoughtfully bought....
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Scroll Down……

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A Weight Machine
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The poor guy is dead today, and his wife's in jail for murder !
*********

Is windows a virus ???

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus. It's a bug

Certain Things In Life

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

*********
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

*******

A mother's advise

O my daughter, you are about to leave the home in which you grew up, where you first learned to walk, to go to a place you do not know, to a companion with whom you are unfamiliar.

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Take from me ten qualities, which will be a provision and a reminder for you.

************
The first and second of them are: be content in his company, and listen to and obey him, for contentment brings peace of mind, and listening to and obeying one's husband pleases Allah.

************
The third and fourth of them are: make sure that you smell good and look good; he should not see anything ugly in you, and he should not smell anything but a pleasant smell from you. Kohl is the best kind of beautification to be found, and water is better than the rarest perfume.

************
The fifth and the sixth of them are: prepare his food on time, and keep quiet when he is asleep, for raging hunger is like a burning flame, and disturbing his sleep will make him angry.

************
The seventh and eighth of them are: take care of his servants (or employees) and children, and take care of his wealth, for taking care of his wealth shows that you appreciate him, and taking care of his children and servants shows good management.

************
The ninth and tenth of them are: never disclose any of his secrets, and never disobey any of his orders, for if you disclose any of his secrets you will never feel safe from his possible betrayal, and if you disobey him, his heart will be filled with hatred towards you.

************
KNOW, O my daughter that you will not achieve what you would like to until you put his pleasure before your own, and his wishes before yours, in whatever you like and dislike.

************

10 rules to stay young.

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height.Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them!"

***********
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

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3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

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4. Enjoy the simple things.

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5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

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6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

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7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

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8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable,improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

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9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

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10. Tell the people that you love them, at every opportunity.

***********
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

***********

Sensible Humour

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel... Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her
speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75. He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..

Up to 80. "I want the car, too," he continues.

85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he asks, "so
what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph.The wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

**********
Moral of the Story :
Women are crazy!!!!
Don't mess with them!!

**********

Pregnant unwed daughter

A young unmarried girl discovers that she is pregnant. Scared, She confides this ' news' to her mother.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did This to you?

I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature And distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the Girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the Problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family Situation, but I'll take responsibility. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However,

If there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand

Firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You can try again !"

************

MARRIED LIFE

MARRIED LIFE - MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP, SUCH A HAPPY ENDING !!

************ ******

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love,

Couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered.

"I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer,

Brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan , India , etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was,

"Yes, Lollipop... But at the bar... You know... They have frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,

"You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?"

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that

She was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said,

"Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...

I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?"

She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

"But my sweet honey... At the bar.... You know there's swearing, dirty words and all that.."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?

LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR BLOODY ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"

And...they lived happily ever after.

************

Attitude Follows Perspective

Shifting The Mood

We all have days when we are faced with chores, errands, or responsibilities that we don't want to do. At times like these, it's easy to get into a bad mood and stay in one as we tackle these tasks.

However, given the fact that our bad mood will not change the fact that we have to do these things, and will most likely make things worse, we could also try to shift our attitude. Many wise people have pointed out that it is not so much what we do as it is how we do it that makes the difference in our lives.

It's important when we're facing something that's really hard for us, whether it's doing taxes, paying bills, or visiting a challenging relative, that we lovingly support ourselves through the process.

The more supported we feel, the easier it is to open our minds to the idea that we could change our way of looking at the situation.

In truth, most of the chores we don't like doing are intimately intertwined with our blessings. When we remember this, we feel gratitude, which makes it hard to stay in a dark mood.

We can shift our attitude by considering how much we love our home as we clean it and how lucky we are to have a roof over our head. Any task can be transformed from a burden to a necessary aspect of caring for something we love.

All we have to do is shift our perspective, and our attitude follows shortly behind.

The Law of the Garbage Truck

One day, I hopped into a taxi and took off for the airport . We were driving in the right lane when suddenly, a black car, jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed the brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. I mean, was really friendly. So I asked, "Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!" This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, 'The Law of the Garbage Truck'

He explained, "Many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. NEVER take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on with the routine life." Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home or on the streets.

The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so...... 'Love the people who treat you right.. Pray for the ones who don't.'

A very rightly said quote: Life is 10% what you make and 90% how you take!!!!

THE MOST THINGS TO KNOW

The most useless thing to do.......... ...... Worry

The greatest Joy.......... ...... Giving.

The greatest loss.......... ...... Loss of self-respect.

The most satisfying work.......... ...... Helping others.

The ugliest personality trait.......... ...... Selfishness.

The most endangered species.......... ...... Dedicated leaders.

The greatest "shot in the arm".......... ...... Encouragement.

The greatest problem to overcome.......... ...... Fear.

The most Effective sleeping pill.......... ...... Peace of mind.

The most crippling failure disease.......... ...... Excuses.

The most powerful force in life.......... ...... Love.

The most dangerous pariah.......... ...... A Gossiper.

The world's most incredible computer.......... ...... The Brain.

The worst thing to be without.......... ...... Hope.

The deadliest weapon.......... ...... The tongue.

The two most power-filled words.......... ...... "I Can".

The greatest asset.......... ...... Faith.

The most worthless emotion.......... ...... Self-pity.

The most prized possession.......... ...... Integrity.

The most beautiful attire.......... ...... A Smile.

The most powerful channel of communication.......... ...... Prayer.

The most contagious spirit.......... ...... Enthusiasm.

The most important thing in the life.......... ...... God.

HAVE A LAUGH

LIFE AFTER DEATH:
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES.
"YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.
"WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON.
"AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!

*******
SUPPORT A FAMILY:
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?"
THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."

*******
GRANDMA STUFF
LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA! HOW OLD SHE WAS.
GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."
JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID,
"AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"

*******
PALM SUNDAY:
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER.
WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES.
THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY" "WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT,"
THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"

*******
CHILDREN'S SERMON:
ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON,
HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG.
HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN,
"WHAT'S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE!"

*******
FIRST TIME USHERS! :
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.
WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY. I'M UNDER FIVE."

*******
PRAYERS:
THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED, "NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME, DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE EATING?"
"NO SIR," HE REPLIED, "WE DON'T HAVE TO, MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!"

*******
CLIMB THE WALLS:
"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU,"
THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US."
THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED.
"I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT" THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.

*******
THE MOOD RING:
MY HUSBAND BOUGHT ME A MOOD RING THE OTHER DAY. WHEN I'M IN A GOOD MOOD IT TURNS GREEN.
WHEN I'M IN A BAD MOOD, IT LEAVES A RED MARK ON HIS FOREHEAD.

*******
THE WATER PISTOL:
WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL.
HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK. I WAS NOT SO PLEASED.
I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?"
MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... "YEAH, I REMEMBER"

*******

Good Read

A nurse took the tired, anxious serviceman to the bedside.

"Your son is here," she said to the old man.


She had to repeat the words several times before the patient's eyes opened.


Heavily sedated because of the pain of his heart attack, he dimly saw the young uniformed


Marine standing outside the oxygen tent. He reached out his hand. The Marine wrapped his toughened fingers around the old man's limp ones, squeezing a message of love and encouragement.

The nurse brought a chair so that the Marine could sit beside the bed. All through the night the Young Marine sat there in the poorly lighted ward, holding the old man's hand and offering him words of love and strength. Occasionally, the nurse suggested that the Marine move away and rest awhile.

He refused.

Whenever the nurse came into the ward, the Marine was oblivious of her and of the night noises of the hospital - the clanking of the oxygen tank, the laughter of the night staff members exchanging greetings, the cries and moans of the other patients.

Now and then she heard him say a few gentle words. The dying man said nothing, only held tightly to his son all through the night.

Along towards dawn, the old man died. The Marine released the now lifeless hand he had been holding and went to tell the nurse. While she did what she had to do, he waited.

Finally, she returned. She started to offer words of sympathy, but the Marine interrupted her.

"Who was that man?" he asked.

The nurse was startled, "He was your father," she answered.

"No, he wasn't," the Marine, replied. "I never saw him before in my life."

"Then why didn't you say something when I took you to him?"

"I knew right away there had been a mistake, but I also knew he needed his son, and his son just

Wasn't here. When I realized that he was too sick to tell whether or not I was his son, knowing how much he needed me, I stayed."

The next time someone needs you ... Just be there. Stay.

*********

WE ARE NOT HUMAN BEINGS GOING THROUGH A TEMPORARY SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE.

WE ARE SPIRITUAL BEINGS GOING THROUGH A TEMPORARY HUMAN EXPERIENCE.

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