THE FUNNIES ON LIFE

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.

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Marriage is a threering circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

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For Sale: Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.

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There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage.

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Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

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Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: All the DNA is the same.

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I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the checkout line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.

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The reason congressmen try so hard to get reelected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down he aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives." Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

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Smith climbs to the top of Mt.Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."

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A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!"

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A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi! replied, "Take the poison."

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33 Facts about Guyz

1. Guys like their gadgets & bikes more than a girl. Guys don't actually look after good-looking girls. They prefer neat and presentable girls.

2. Guys hate flirts.

3.When a guy says he doesn't understand you, it simply means you're not thinking the way he is.

4. Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about.

5. When a guy really likes you, he'll disregard all your bad characteristics.

6. Guys go crazy over a girl's smile.

7. Guys will do anything just to get the girl's attention.

8. When you touch a guy's heart, there's no turning back.

9. When a girl says "no", a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow". ... so true.

10. You have to tell a guy what you really want before he gets the message clearly.

11. Guys love their moms.

12. A guy would sacrifice his money for lunch just to get you a couple of roses.

13. A guy often thinks about the girl who likes him. But this doesn't mean that the guy likes her.

14. You can never understand him unless you listen to him.

15. If a guy tells you he loves you once in a lifetime. He does.

16. Beware. Guys can make gossips scatter through half of the face of the earth faster than girls can.

17. Like Eve, girls are guys' weaknesses.

18. Guys are very open about themselves.

19. It's good to test a guy first before you believe him. But don't let him wait that long.

20. Guys hate it when their clothes get dirty.. Even a small dot.

21. Guys really admire girls that they like even if they're not that much pretty.

22. If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him. You don't need to give advice ... very true.

23. A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you.

24. Guys keep secrets that girls tell them.

25. Guys think too much.

26. Guys fantasies are unlimited.

27. Girls' height doesn't really matter to a guy but her weight does! ... very true.

28. Guys tend to get serious with their relationship and become too possessive. So watch out girls!!!

29. Guys are more talkative than girls are especially when the topic is about girls.

30. You can truly say that a guy has good intentions if you see him praying sometimes.

31. If a guy says you're beautiful, that guy likes you.

32. Guys hate girls who overreact.

33. Guys love you more than you love them IF they are serious in your relationships. Doesn't this all make sense?

Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character

The Japanese have always loved fresh fish. But the water close to Japan has not held many fish for decades. So to feed the Japanese population, fishing boats got bigger and went further than ever. The further the fishermen went, the longer it took to bring the fish. If the return trip took more time, the fish were not fresh. To solve this problem, fish companies installed freezers on their boats. They would catch the fish and freeze them at sea. Freezers allowed the boats to go further and stay longer. However, the Japanese could taste the difference between fresh and frozen fish. And they did not like the taste of frozen fish. The frozen fish brought a lower price. So, fishing companies installed fish tanks. They would catch the fish and stuff them in the tanks, fin to fin. After a little thrashing around, they were tired, dull, and lost their fresh-fish taste. The fishing industry faced an impending crisis! But today, they get fresh-tasting fish to Japan .

How did they manage? To keep the fish tasting fresh, the Japanese fishing companies still put the fish in the tanks but with a small shark. The fish are challenged and hence are constantly on the move. The challenge they face keeps them alive and fresh!

Have you realized that some of us are also living in a pond but most of the time tired and dull ? Basically in our lives, sharks are new challenges to keep us active. If you are steadily conquering challenges, you are happy. Your challenges keep you energized. Don't create success and revel in it in a state of inertia. You have the resources, skills and abilities to make a difference. Put a shark in your tank and see how far you can really go!

'Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character' - Albert Einstein

Become a Lie Detector

Introduction to Detecting Lies:

The following techniques to telling if someone is lying are often used by police, and
security experts. This knowledge is also useful for managers, employers, and for anyone to use in everyday situations where telling the truth from a lie can help prevent you from being a victim of fraud/scams and other deceptions.
Warning: Sometimes Ignorance is bliss; after gaining this knowledge, you may be hurt when it is obvious that someone is lying to you.

Signs of Deception:

Body Language of Lies:

• Physical expression will be limited and stiff, with few arm and hand movements. Hand, arm and
leg movement are toward their own body the liar takes up less space.
• A person who is lying to you will avoid making eye contact.
• Hands touching their face, throat &
mouth. Touching or scratching the nose or behind their ear. Not likely to touch his chest/heart with an open hand.

Emotional Gestures & Contradiction

• Timing and duration of emotional gestures and emotions are off a normal pace. The display of emotion is delayed, stays longer it would naturally, then stops suddenly.
• Timing is off between emotions gestures/expression s and words. Example: Someone says "I
love it!" when receiving a gift, and then smile after making that statement, rather then at the same time the statement is made.
• Gestures/expression s don't match the verbal statement, such as frowning when saying "I love you."
• Expressions are limited to mouth movements when someone is faking emotions (like happy, surprised, sad, awe, )instead of the whole face. For example; when someone smiles naturally their whole face is involved: jaw/cheek movement, eyes and forehead push down, etc.

Interactions and Reactions

• A guilty person gets defensive. An innocent person will often go on the offensive.
• A liar is uncomfortable facing his questioner/accuser and may turn his head or body away.
• A liar might unconsciously place objects (book, coffee cup, etc.) between themselves and you.

Verbal Context and Content

• A liar will use your words to make answer a question. When asked, "Did you eat the last cookie?" The liar answers, "No, I did not eat the last cookie."
•A statement with a contraction is more likely to be truthful: " I didn't do it" instead of "I did not do it"
• Liars sometimes avoid "lying" by not making direct statements. They imply answers instead of denying something directly.
• The guilty person may speak more than natural, adding unnecessary details to convince you.... they are not comfortable with silence or pauses in the conversation.
• A liar may leave out pronouns and speak in a monotonous tone. When a truthful statement is made the pronoun is emphasized as much or more than the rest of the words in a statement.
• Words may be garbled and spoken softly, and syntax and grammar may be off. In other
words, his sentences will likely be muddled rather than emphasized

Other signs of a lie:

• If you believe someone is lying, then change subject of a conversation quickly, a liar follows along willingly and becomes more relaxed. The guilty wants the subject changed; an innocent person may be confused by the sudden change in topics and will want to back to the previous subject.
• Using humor or sarcasm to avoid a subject.

Final Notes:

Obviously, just because someone exhibits one or more of these signs does not make them a liar. The above behaviors should be compared to a persons base (normal) behavior whenever possible

Laws of Life

Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.

First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.

Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.

Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.

The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is always hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

A Potatoes Story

A kindergarten teacher has decided to let her class play a game.

The teacher told each child in the class to bring along a plastic bag containing a few potatoes. Each potato will be given a name of a person that the child hates, so the number of potatoes that a child will put in his/her plastic bag will depend on the number of people he/she hates.

So when the day came, every child brought some potatoes with the name of the people he/she hated. Some had 2 potatoes; some 3 while some up to 5 potatoes.

The teacher then told the children to carry with them the potatoes in the plastic bag wherever they go (even to the toilet) for 1 week.

Days after days passed by, and the children started to complain due to the unpleasant smell let out by the rotten potatoes.

Besides, those having 5 potatoes also had to carry heavier bags. After 1 week, the children were relieved because the game had finally ended.

The teacher asked: "How did you feel while carrying the potatoes with you for 1 week?"

The children let out their frustrations and started complaining of the trouble that they had to go through having to carry the heavy and smelly potatoes wherever they go.

Then the teacher told them the hidden meaning behind the game. The teacher said: "This is exactly the situation when you carry your hatred for somebody inside your heart.

The stench of hatred will contaminate your heart and you will carry it with you wherever you go. If you cannot tolerate the smell of rotten potatoes for just 1 week, can you imagine what is it like to have the stench of hatred in your heart for your lifetime?"

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Moral of the Hatred (Human Vices) story:

Throw away any hatred for anyone from your heart so that you will not carry sins for a lifetime. Forgiving others is the best attitude to take. "Learn to Forgive and Forget."

Quotes about Wives

Famous Quotes about Wives

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

David Bissonette

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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry

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After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Hemant Joshi

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By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

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Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Dumas

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The great question... Which I have not been able to answer... Is, "What does a woman want?

Sigmund Freud

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I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Anonymous

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"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Henny Youngman

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"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

Sam Kinison

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"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

James Holt McGavran

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"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."

Patrick Murray

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Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming

1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Nash

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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

Anonymous

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You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Henny Youngman

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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

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A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Milton Berle

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Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

Anonymous

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A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Anonymous

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First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Generation Gap

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one !", the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.

"The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, BPS, light-speed processing .... And..."

...pausing to take another drink of beer.... The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young, so we invented them. Now, you - arrogant little shit - what are you doing for the next generation?"

The Rib

(story) - The Rib

A girl in love asked her boyfriend.

Girl: Tell me. Who do you love most in this world?

Boy: You, of course!

Girl: In your heart, what am I to you?

Boy: The boy thought for a moment and looked intently in her eyes and said, "You are my rib. It was said that God saw that Adam was lonely, during his sleep, God took one of Adam's rib and created Eve. Every man has been searching for his missing rib, only when you find the woman of your life, you'll no longer feel the lingering ache in your heart."

After their wedding, the couple had a sweet and happy life for a while.However, the youthful couple began to drift apart due to the busy schedule of life and the never-ending worries of daily problems, their life became mundane.All the challenges posed by the harsh realities of life began to gnaw away their dreams and love for each other. The couple began to have more quarrels and each quarrel became more heated.

One day, after the quarrel, the girl ran out of the house. At the opposite side of the road, she shouted, "You don't love me!"The boy hated her childishness and out of impulse, retorted, "Maybe, it was a mistake for us to be together! You were never my missing rib!"Suddenly, she turned quiet and stood there for a long while. He regretted what he said but words spoken are like thrown away water, you can never take it back. With tears, she went home to pack her things and was determined in breaking-up. Before she left the house, "If I'm really not your missing rib, please let me go." She continued, "It is less painful this way. Let us go on our separate ways and search for our own partners."

Five years went by...

He never remarried but he had tried to find out about her life indirectly. She had left the country and back. She had married a foreigner and divorced. He felt anguished that she never waited for him.In the dark and lonely night, he lit his cigarette and felt the lingering ache in his heart. He couldn't bring himself to admit that he was missing her.

One day, they finally met. At the airport, a place where there were many reunions and good byes. He was going away on a business trip. She was standing there alone, with just the security door separating them. She smiled at him gently. Boy: How are you?

Girl: I'm fine. How about you? Have you found your missing rib?

Boy: No.

Girl: I'll be flying to New York in the next flight.

Boy: I'll be back in 2 weeks time. Give me a call when you are back. You know my number. Nothing has changed.

With a smile, she turned around and waved good bye.

Good bye...

One week later, he heard of her death. She had perished in New York, in the event that shocked the world.Midnight, once again, he lit his cigarette. And like before, he felt the lingering ache in his heart. He finally knew. She was the missing rib that he had carelessly broken.

The Best 50 of Murphy's Law

(The Best 50 of Murphy's Law)

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

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Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence..

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Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool

discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.

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Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

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If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,

then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

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The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.

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The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.

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An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.

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Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you.

Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.

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All great discoveries are made by mistake.

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Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.

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Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

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All's well that ends.

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A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

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The first myth of management is that it exists.

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A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.

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New systems generate new problems.

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To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

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We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.

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Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

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Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

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A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.

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The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a crashed state.

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Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.

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Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.

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The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.

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To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.

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After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.

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Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts

which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.

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A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.

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If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.

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Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.

Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.

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Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File."

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Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume,

humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.

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If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.

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The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.

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In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totalled correctly after 4:30 p.m. On Friday.

The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. On Monday.

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Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.

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All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.

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The only perfect science is hind-sight.

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Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.

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If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.

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If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

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When all else fails, read the instructions.

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If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

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Everything that goes up must come down.

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Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.

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Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.

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Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.

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The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.

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Different types of Man

Men are of different types

Some Examples -

INTERNET man - Man of difficult access

SERVER man - Always busy when you need him

WINDOWS man - Everyone knows that he can't do a thing right, but no one can live without him

EXCEL man - They say he can do a lot of things, but you mostly use him to achieve your basic requirements

D.O.S. Man - Everyone had him, but no one wants him any more

VIRUS man - Also known as spouse, when you are not expecting him, he comes , install himself and uses all your resources, if you try to uninstall him you will lose something, if you don't uninstall him you will lose everything.

SCREENSAVER man - he is not worth for anything, but at least he is fun

RAM man - he forgets everything you say when you disconnect him

HARD DISK man - he remembers everything forever

MULTIMEDIA man - he makes horrible things look beautiful

USER man - he messes up everything he does and he ask always more than he needs

CD-ROM man - he is always faster and faster

Before & After Marriage

Before Marriage

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She: Do you want me to leave?

He: NO! Don't even think about it.

She: Do you love me?

He: Of course! Over and over!

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

He: NO! Why are you even asking?

She: Will you kiss me?

He: Every chance I get!

She: Will you hit me?

He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!

She: Can I trust you?

He: Yes.

She: Darling!

After marriage...
Simply read from bottom to top.

still women loves man

Interesting facts

Men are like computers – hard to figure out and never have enough memory Still Women likes man

Men are like coolers – load them with beer and you can take them anywhere Still Women likes man

Men are like chocolate bars – sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips Still Women likes man

Men are like coffee – the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night Still Women likes man

Men are like horoscopes – they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong Still Women likes man

Men are like cement – after getting laid they take a long time to get hard Still Women likes man


Men are like laxatives – they irritate the shit out of you Still Women likes man

Men are like parking spots – the good ones are already taken and what's left is handicapped Still Women likes man

A man is like a snowstorm – you never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long he will last Still Women likes man

What should you give a man who has everything? – A woman to show him how to work it Still Women likes man

How does a man show he's planning for the future? – He buys two cases of beer instead of one. Still Women likes man

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? – The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Still Women likes man

Why are husbands like lawn mowers? – They're hard to get started, emit foul odours and don't work half the time. Still Women likes man

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? – After a year the dog is still excited to see you. Still Women likes man

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? – Breasts don't have eyes. Still Women likes man

What's the difference between men and government bonds? – Bonds mature Still Women likes man

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? – We don't know, it's never happened Still Women likes man

Why are men like tile floors? – If you lay ' em properly the first time, you can walk over them for years. Still Women likes man

What do you call a man with half a brain? – Gifted. Still Women likes man

AND FINALLY …… Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? – Because these men already have boyfriends! Still Women likes man

I can sleep when the wind blows

Years ago, a farmer owned land along the Atlantic seacoast.

He constantly advertised for hired hands. Most people were reluctant to work on farms along the Atlantic . They dreaded the awful storms that raged across the Atlantic , wreaking havoc on the buildings and crops.

As the farmer interviewed applicants for the job, he received A steady stream of refusals.

Finally, a short, thin man, well past middle age, approached the farmer. "Are you a good farm hand?" the farmer asked him. "Well, I can sleep when the wind blows," answered the little man.

Although puzzled by this answer, the farmer, desperate for help, Hired him. The little man worked well around the farm, busy from dawn to dusk, and the farmer felt satisfied with the man's work.

Then one night the wind howled loudly in from offshore. Jumping out of bed, the farmer grabbed a lantern and rushed next door to the hired hand's sleeping quarters. He shook the little man and yelled, "Get up! A storm is coming! Tie things down before they blow away!"

The little man rolled over in bed and said firmly, "No sir. I told you, I can sleep when the wind blows."

Enraged by the response, the farmer was tempted to fire him on the spot. Instead, he hurried outside to prepare for the storm.

To his amazement, he discovered that all of the haystacks had been covered with tarpaulins. The cows were in the barn, the chickens were in the coops, and the doors were barred.

The shutters were tightly secured. Everything was tied down.

Nothing could blow away. The farmer then understood what his hired hand meant, so he returned to his bed to also sleep while the wind blew.

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When you're prepared, spiritually, mentally, and physically, you have nothing to fear. Can you sleep when the wind blows through your life?

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A Rebellious Little Bird

There was once a little bird who decided to rebel against tradition, and when it came time to fly south for the winter, he decided to stay behind. All the other birds flew south for the warmer weather, leaving the rebellious one alone.

Of course, it wasn't long before the little bird discovered he had made a terrible mistake. Winter set in and it became very cold. So, he decided that he had better take off and fly south like his friends.

He started flying, but didn't get very far before the cold north wind began to freeze his wings, and he went plummeting down, down, down ... He fell straight down from the sky, through an open hole in the rooftop of a nearby barn, and directly into a fresh pile of cow dung.

Well, the warmth thawed out his wings, and soon he was feeling fine again. But, as his little head popped out from the smelly dung, along came a cat who plucked him up and ate him.

Moral : Whenever you end up in a pile of DoDo it may not necessarily be a bad thing, and everyone that comes to pull you out of your DoDo may not necessarily be a good thing.

The Monk and The Baby

Once there was a monk who lived in a village. One day a young village girl became pregnant and was unmarried. She did not want to expose her boyfriend. Out of fear when her parents asked her who is responsible, she pointed her finger to that monk.

Her parents were infuriated. The next day, the whole village turned up to blame the him. "How could you?" "You dirty old man!" "You are a disgrace!" "Get out of our village, you hypocrite!" Some villagers even threaten the his life.

After listening to all the accusations, what he said was "Is that so?" and went back to meditate. Months went by; the young girl gave birth to a baby. The parents of the young girl were forced to find a father for the child.

The parents and the villagers went up to approach him saying "You are responsible for this baby; therefore you should bring up the baby!" Once again, he said "Is that so?" He took the young baby in his arms and went back.

By this time the he has lost his reputation but it did not trouble him. He took very good care for this baby and he manages to obtain milk and everything the child needed from his neighbors.

After a year, he young girl felt ashamed and guilty and wanted to see her baby. She finally told the real story to her parents. When all the villagers came to know the truth, they all felt ashamed of having wrong him.

So all of them gathered and went to the monk asking for forgiveness. Once again, after listening to them said "Is that so?" He handed the baby back to the young girl.

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When you are right, one thousand angels swearing that you are wrong does not matter. But when you are wrong, ten thousand angels swearing that you are right will not make any difference.

Never Lie To Your MOM

A Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner.....who lives with a girl roommate Sunita. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates." About a week later, Sunita came! to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Kumar said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, jjust to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Kumar

Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read

Dear Son:

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now under the pillow...

Love,

Mom.

Lesson of the day:

Don't Lie to Your Mother...........especially if she is Indian !

INTERESTING DEFINITIONS

School:
A place where Papa Pays and Son Plays.

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Life Insurance:
A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.

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Nurse:
A person who works up to give you sleeping pills.

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Love Affairs:
Something like the game of Cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test match.

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Marriage:
It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.

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Divorce:
Future tense of Marriage.

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Tears:
The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.

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Lecture:
An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

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Conference:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

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Compromise:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

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Dictionary:
A place where success comes before work.

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Conference Room:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

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Classic:
Books, which people praise, but do not read.

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Smile:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

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Office:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

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Yawn:
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

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Etc.:
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

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Committee:

Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

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Experience:
The name men give to their mistakes.

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Atom Bomb:
An invention to end all inventions.

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Philosopher:
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

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Diplomat:
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

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Opportunist:
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

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Optimist:
A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

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Miser:
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

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Father:
A banker provided by nature.

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Criminal:
A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.

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Boss:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

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Politician:
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

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Doctor:
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

TOP 10 WAYS TO HANDLE STRESS

1. Jam 39 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.

2. Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa.

3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.

4. When someone says, "Have a nice day," say you have other plans.

5. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.

6. Forget the Diet Center and send yourself a candygram.

7. Make a list of things to do that you've already done.

8. Dance naked in front of your pets.

9. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him off to preschool as if nothing were wrong.

10. Retaliate for tax woes by filling out your tax forms with Roman Numerals

DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license!

They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Salty Coffee

He met her on a party. She was so outstanding, many guys chasing after her, while he was so normal, nobody paid attention to him. At the end of the party, he invited her to have coffee with him, she was surprised, but due to being polite, she promised. They sat in a nice coffee shop, he was too nervous to say anything, she felt uncomfortable, she thought, please, let me go home.. Suddenly he asked the waiter:

"Would you please give me some salt? I'd like to put it in my coffee."

Everybody stared at him, so strange! His face turned red, but, still, he put the salt in his coffee and drank it.

She asked him curiously: why you have this hobby?

He replied: "when I was a little boy, I was living near the sea, I liked playing in the sea, I could feel the taste of the sea, just like the taste of the salty coffee. Now every time I have the salty coffee, I always think of my childhood, think of my hometown, I miss my hometown so much, I miss my parents who are still living there".

While saying that tears filled his eyes. She was deeply touched.

That's his true feeling, from the bottom of his heart. A man who can tell out his homesickness, he must be a man who loves home, cares about home, has responsibility of home.. Then she also started to speak, spoke about her faraway hometown, her childhood, her family.

That was a really nice talk, also a beautiful beginning of their story. They continued to date. She found that actually he was a man who meets all her demands; he had tolerance, was kind hearted, warm, careful. He was such a good person but she almost missed him!

Thanks to his salty coffee! Then the story was just like every beautiful love story, the princess married to the prince, then they were living the happy life... And, every time she made coffee for him, she put some salt in the coffee, as she knew that's the way he liked it.

After 40 years, he passed away, left her a letter which said: "My dearest, please forgive me, forgive my whole life lie. This was the only lie I said to you---the salty coffee. Remember the first time we dated? I was so nervous at that time, actually I wanted some sugar, but I said salt It was hard for me to change so I just went ahead.

I never thought that could be the start of our communication! I tried to tell you the truth many times in my life, but I was too afraid to do that, as I have promised not to lie to you for anything..

Now I'm dying, I afraid of nothing so I tell you the truth: I don't like the salty coffee, what a strange bad taste.. But I have had the salty coffee for my whole life! Since I knew you, I never feel sorry for anything I do for you. Having you with me is my biggest happiness for my whole life. If I can live for the second time, still want to know you and have you for my whole life, even though I have to drink the salty coffee again".

Her tears made the letter totally wet.

Someday, someone asked her: what's the taste of salty coffee? It's sweet. She replied.

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Love is not 2 forget but 2 forgive

Not 2 c but 2 understand

Not 2 hear but 2 listen

Not 2 let go but HOLD ON !!!!

Letters to a Landlord

Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off.

This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink.

Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away.

Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.