Qualities you learn from Marriage

While celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary, John and Laila were hosting a huge party when someone asked him for the recipe for their enduring marriage.

Come on, John, spill the beans! Please reveal the truth! How does 40 years of happiness with Laila happen?

"Well, folks, marriage is a crash course in life," John remarks with a laugh. It teaches you self-control, humility, patience, loyalty, and, of course, forgiveness. It's like going on a crazy rollercoaster."

"...Plus a whole bunch of skills you never knew you needed if you had just stuck to being a solo superhero."

The Sky and the Cap: A Perspective Lesson

A teacher used the vast expanse of the sky as evidence in a small geography class to express his belief that there is no God.

"Take a good look at the sky," the teacher says.

Students: "We are looking, sir."

"Okay, what do you see?" says the teacher.

"Clouds!" exclaim the students.

"Did you see God?" asks the teacher.

"No..." students say.

"Which means there is no God," says the teacher.

When the teacher returned to the classroom, she opened the floor to questions.

"I have a question, sir."

"Yes, go ahead," says the teacher.

"Sir, can you please remove your cap?" says the class monitor.

"Of course, yes." says the teacher.

"Take a close look at his head and tell me what you see."

They say: "We can see his hair, skin, and so on."

"Did you see his brain?" asks the class monitor.

Students say, "No."

"Which means our teacher has no brain," says the class monitor.

The unexpected turn of events shocked the teacher, and he fainted, teaching the students about perspective and humility.

What a coincidence

John, a chicken farmer, went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence!" John said, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence!" says John. As they clinked glasses John asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence!" says John. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks." John replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence again!"

A real good time

Mike and Alice had been invited to an exclusive Halloween party. Unfortunately, Alice developed a severe headache just as the event was about to begin. She insisted on Mike attending the party on his own, not wanting to ruin his evening due to her discomfort.

Although Mike, being the loving and dedicated husband he was, objected at first, Alice persuaded him that he shouldn't miss out on the fun just because she couldn't. She assured him that she would take some aspirin and rest, and she encouraged him to go have fun.

Alice awoke feeling surprisingly refreshed and pain-free after taking the aspirin and sleeping for an hour or so. She decided to attend the Halloween party despite the fact that it was still early in the evening.

Alice saw an opportunity to have some fun while her costume was hidden. She wanted to watch Mike and see how he acted when she wasn't there, because he had no idea what her costume looked like.

When Alice arrived at the party, she immediately noticed Mike, who was disguised by his mask, dancing energetically on the dance floor, twirling with various partygoers and sharing flirtatious moments.

Alice approached Mike skillfully, channelling her own seductive charm, causing him to abandon his dance partner and shift his attention to her.

Given their strong bond as husband and wife, Alice let Mike take their flirtation as far as he wanted.

Mike eventually leaned in and whispered a provocative proposition into Alice's ear, to which she quickly agreed. They quietly slipped away to one of the parked cars and had an intimate encounter.

Alice quietly left the party and returned home just as the clock struck midnight. She carefully removed her costume and crawled into bed, anticipating Mike's explanation for his behaviour.

When Mike returned home, Alice remained awake and asked him how the party went. "Oh, you know, the same old thing," Mike, ever the devoted husband, replied. When you're not with me, I never have a good time."

Curious, "Did you dance much at the party?" Alice inquired.

"I didn't dance a single dance, actually," Mike chuckled. As soon as I arrived, I ran into some friends, and we spent the entire evening playing cards in the den."

Alice couldn't stop smirking. "Well, I must say, the person who borrowed your costume seemed to have quite a fantastic time!" she remarked.

Dark in here

Waiting for a Train

Mike and his wife, Alice, check into a hotel. Mike wants to go to the bar for a drink, but Alice is very tired from the trip and decides to go up to their room to rest.

Just as Alice lies down on the bed, an elevated train passes by very close to the window, shaking the room so hard that she's thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, Alice lies down once more. Again, a train goes by and shakes the room so violently that she's thrown to the floor.

Exasperated, Alice calls the front desk and asks for the manager, who says he'll be right up.

The manager is skeptical, but Alice insists the story is true. "Look.." Alice says, "Lie here on the bed, you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So, the manager lies down next to Alice.

Just then Mike enters the room. "What are you doing here??!!" Mike shouts.

"Would you believe if I say I'm waiting for a train?" the manager calmly replies.

And he was thrown right to the floor by Mike.

Keep you Mobile Loaded...!!

There was a girl called Tina whom Tejas really loved but he never had the guts to tell her how much he loves her.

One night, at around 11:00pm, Tejas summoned some courage and sent Tina a sms message saying, "I love you so much, I want to date you. Please reply and tell me how you feel about me."

A few seconds later Tejas received a message alert on his phone. Tejas was so excited but at the same time was also scared and too tensed to open it that night, so he decided not to check the reply until the next morning when he will be less tensed.

When Tejas woke up the next day, he said his prayers, did his morning chores, brushed his teeth, ate his breakfast, took his bath and combed his hair, then jumped back to his bed and gently picked up his phone to read the message.

Tejas started reading:
"Dear customer, you have insufficient balance to complete your request. Kindly reload your account and try again. Thank you."

Mystery of Beard

Mukesh is married to Geeeta but he is having an extra-marital affair with another girl called Meeta.

One afternoon when Mukesh was with Meeta, she asked that he shave his beard.

"I do like your beard, Mukesh, but I would really love to see your handsome face." Meeta said.

"My wife loves this beard, honey." Mukesh replied. "I couldn't possibly shave it. She would kill me."

"Oh, please..." Meeta purred.

"Really, I can't." Mukesh replied. "My wife loves this beard!"

Meeta asked once more, and Mukesh sighed and finally gave up.

That night, Mukesh crawled into bed while Geeeta was sleeping.

Geeeta stirred, felt his face, and said, "Oh, Mahesh, you shouldn't be here! My husband will be home any time soon!"

Dont do it AGAIN...

Wife was making fried eggs for her husband, for breakfast. Suddenly Husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful... Careful!!! Put in some more butter! Oh my God! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful... Careful!!! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"

Wife stared at Husband and asked, "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

Husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."

Who is Father???!!!

A baby was born to a couple, John and Rosy.

When he was 1, he could talk like an adult. When he was 2, he could read anything. When he was 3, he could do advanced calculus. When he was 4, he could predict the future.

One day, he made three predictions: "1 year from today, I will die. 2 years from today, my mother will die. 3 years from today, my father will die."

Sure enough, a year later the young boy died.

John, getting the picture in a big way, loaded up his wife, Rosy, with a million dollars in life insurance. A year later Rosy died.

John collected the million dollar insurance benefit, and, figuring he only had a year before his own death, he went on a 364-day binge... Fast cars, faster women, exotic vacations, and flings with supermodels.

John's timing was perfect, for on the 364th day, he blew the last penny on a Blue Sapphire martini and an exotic dancer with a taste for overpriced champagne and sexy lingerie.

At midnight, John toasted himself, "What a way to go..." and slipped off into what he assumed would be his big sleep.

To his amazement, John woke up the next morning. He had cheated death! He was invincible!

Then the exotic dancer with whom John had spent the night broke the news. "Honey, better come quick, the gardener's dead!!!"

Wall of Clocks

A woman dies. In heaven she sees a large Wall full of Clocks.

She asks angel: What are these for?

Angel answers: These are Lie Clocks, every person has a lie clock! Whenever you lie on earth, clock moves.

The woman points towards a clock and asks: Whose clock is this? ...

Angel says: Its Mother Teresa's. It never moved, showing that she never told lie.

The woman asks: Where are the clocks of our Married men?

The angel replies: Those are in our office, We use them as 'OFFICE FANS'

She then asked, what of the Married women?

The angel replied, 'those are out there generating electricity!'

10 again

Jack was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, Sophia, turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since Sophia's birthday was not far off, Jack asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

"I'd like to be 10 again!" Sophia replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of Sophia's birthday, Jack arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to a theme park. What a day!

Jack put Sophia on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was!

5 hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Sophia's head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

Jack then took Sophia to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and Sophia's favourite sweets, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally Sophia wobbled home with Jack and collapsed into bed exhausted.

Jack leaned over Sophia with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being 10 again?"

Sophia's eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed, "I meant my dress size, you idiot!!"

Family, Food or Philosophy

A rather awkward and shy John asked his best friend, Jonny, how he was always so successful with the ladies.

"It's easy.." explained Jonny. "The trick is to get the conversation rolling. I always start with one of three topics: family, food or philosophy. Any girl in the world is bound to have something to say about one of those subjects. Once you get her talking, it's easy from there."

The next night, John had a date with Rosy, but in the first 5 minutes a complete silence had fallen over the table.

Finally, remembering Jonny's advice, he cleared his throat and began, "So, do you have a brother?"

"No." Rosy replied.

Noting that hadn't gone very well and Rosy hadn't offered any kind of follow-up information, John thought perhaps he would have better luck with food. "So, do you like Italian food?" John asked.

"No." replied Rosy.

Now desperate, John thought and thought, trying to come up with some kind of philosophical question.

Finally, John said, "So, tell me, If you had a brother, would he have liked Italian food?"

The Innocent Bottle

A man woke up in the morning deeply repentant after a bitter fight with his wife the previous night. He noticed with dismay the crate of beer bottles that had caused the fight.

He took it outside and started smashing the empty bottles one by one onto the wall.

He smashed the first bottle swearing,
"you are the reason I fight with my wife".

He smashed the second bottle,
"you are the reason I don't love my children".

He smashed the third bottle,
"you are the reason I don't have a decent job".

When he took the fourth bottle, he realized that the bottle was still sealed and was full.

He hesitated for only a moment and said

"you stand aside, I know you were not involved".

The Various Versions

Original Version:
If you love something, set it free...
If it returns, it's yours;
If it doesn't, it never truly was.

Pessimist Version:
If you love somebody, release them...
If they return, they may be yours,
If they don't, well, they probably never were.

Optimist Version:
If you love somebody,
Let them go...
Trust that they'll return.

Suspicious Version:
If you love somebody, set them free...
If they come back, inquire why.

Impatient Version:
If you love somebody, set them free...
If they don't return within a reasonable time, move on.

Patient Version:
If you love somebody, set them free...
If they don't return, continue to wait for their return...

Playful Version:
If you love somebody,
Set them free...
If they return and you still love them,
Release them again, repeat the cycle.

Lawyer's Version:
If you love somebody, set them free...
Refer to Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act for details...

Bill Gates Version:
If you love somebody, set them free...
If they come back,
Consider charging a re-installation fee and offer an upgrade.

Statistician's Version:
If you love somebody, set them free...
If they love you, the probability of their return is high.
If they don't, your relationship was unlikely from the start.

Possessive Version:
If you love somebody, never let them go.

MBA Version:
If you love somebody, release them...
Immediately...
While exploring other opportunities simultaneously.

Psychologist's Version:
If you love somebody, release them...
If they return, their superego may be dominant.
If they don't, their id might be in control.
If they neither go nor return, they might be dealing with some issues.

Finance Expert Version:
If you love somebody, set them free...
If they return, it's time to seek new investments.
If they don't, consider it a loss.

Marketing Version:
If you love somebody, set them free...
If they return, they display brand loyalty.
If they don't, consider repositioning the brand in different markets.

Three old men went to see God

Three old men went to see God.

The first old man, an American, asked God when will his country come out of recession. "100 years," God said.
The American started weeping profusely. "I will not live to see that day"

Second man, a Russian asked God "When will my country become prosperous?"  "Fifty years," came the reply.
Russian too started weeping profusely. "I will not live to see that day"

Finally the Indian asked God, "When will my country become corruption-free?"
God started weeping profusely. "I will not live to see that day"

How does it know?

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name
the greatest invention of all time.
The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.
The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space.
The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over
symbols.
The mystic chose the thermos bottle.
"Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.
"Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold
in summer."
"Yes - so what?"
"Think about it." said the mystic reverently. "That little bottle - how
does it know?"

Can't take that chance

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man  replied, "Long ago a man called Jesus Christ died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.

Swarg me pravesh.....

Swarg ke dwar pe 3 log khade the....

God : Sirf 1 hi andar ja sakta hai....

1st : Main mandir ka pujari hu, sari umar aapki seva ki hai. Swarg pe mera hak hai.... Bhagwan Kuch Nahi bole

2nd : Main Doctor hu, sari umar logo ki seva ki hai. Swarg pe mera haq hai.... Bhagwan Kuch Nahi bole

3rd : Main sari umar Private Company mein kam kiya hai.... ......

Bhagwan Bole : Bus......... aage kuch mat bol..... Rulaayega kya pagle..? Andar aa ja......... Tere forwarded mails, follow-ups, promotion nahi milne ka wo 6 saal, month end, quarter end, year ends me woh night shifts, data nahi milne se doosra departments se panga, CTC se zaada deductions, raat me ghar jane ka lafda, family ko na time dene ki frustrations, boss se meetings, delivery dates, week ends mein
kaam etc etc..... mere ko senti kar diya re....aja andar aja..........

Smart Train Driver

A train got off rails, started running in fields all  around and ultimately stopped. Inquiry was made. Driver was strongly rebuked and  asked the reason.

He explained "Well this idiot was standing right on the track of  the train, was not paying attentions to horns, making vulgar funny gestures  ridiculing me and not moving away.

The inquirers angrily asked, "Well you idiot, you should  have crushed and killed him rather than getting off track and risk so many  passengers' life to save his."

The driver said, "Sir, I wanted exactly to do that, I was  angry at his vulgar gestures at me, so I raised the speed of the train to crush  him. When train came closer, that jerk got off track and started running in the  fields and I started chasing to kill him."