Criticision : What If Titanic sank Today?

Reaction from different countries:

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U.S.A:
"A ship coming to Freedom was attacked by terrorists.

We will not sit quiet and we will teach them a lesson.

Bin Laden you can run but you cannot hide we will find you and destroy your Al-Qaeda network."

(President Bush........whoelse?)

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U.K:

"I have spoken to the President of United States and we have both agreed that the sinking of Titanic is significant prove that Saddam Hussein is clearly behind this attack, Iraq is imposing a threat to the world and this has to be dealt with."

(Prime Minister Blair)

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Iraq:

"LOL!!!" (President Saddam Hussain)

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Israel:

"These Hamas and other terrorist network is enough evidence to say that sinking of Titanic is not an accident but it was their suicide bombers who have commited such a crime.

We will now impose curfew on the Palestinians, detain them, exile them, kill them, starve them, destroy their homes and refugee camps."

(Ariel Sharon....)

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Canada:

"Titanic who?" (Canadian Prime Minister)

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India:

"Is mein Pakistan ka haath hai. We have received passports of Pakistani extremists from the Titanic debris.

Pakistanis will have to pay for such horrendous act of terrorism. We are now deploying more soldiers to the border."

(Prime Minister Vajpayee)

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Pakistan:

"Sind may Double Sawari per ghair muayyana muddat ke liye pabandi"

(President Musharraf)

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UN:

"Shit happens right??"

(Sec.Gen. Kofi Annan)

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Survivors:

"Uhh. Helllooo. Is anyone listening...it was an iceberg..hellloooooo."

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WHY ARE INDIANS EASY TO IDENTIFY

We are like this only so true, so very true..........

1. Everything you eat is savored in garlic, onion and tomatoes.

2.. You try and reuse gift wrappers, gift boxes, and of course aluminum foil.

3. You are always standing next to the two largest size suitcases at the Airport.

4. You arrive one or two hours late to a party - and think it's normal.

5. You peel the stamps off letters that the Postal Service missed to stamp.

6. You recycle Wedding Gifts, Birthday Gifts and Anniversary Gifts.

7. You name your children in rhythms (example, Sita & Gita, Ram & Shyam, Kamini & Shamini..)

8. All your children have pet names, which sound nowhere,
close to their real names.

9. You take Indian snacks anywhere it says 'No Food Allowed.'

10. You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house.

11. You load up the family car with as many people as possible.

12. HIGH PRIORITY ***** You use plastic to cover anything new in your house
whether it's the remote control, VCR, carpet or new couch. *****

13. Your parents tell you not to care what your friends think, but they won't let you do certain things because of what the other 'Uncles and Aunties' will think.

14. You buy and display crockery, which is never used, as it is for special occasions, which never happen.

15. You have a vinyl tablecloth on your kitchen table.

16.. You use grocery bags to hold garbage.

17. You keep leftover food in your fridge in as many numbers of bowls as possible.

18. Your kitchen shelf is full of jars, varieties of bowls and plastic utensils (got free with purchase of other stuff)

19. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel
(and travel means any car ride longer than 15 minutes).

20. You own a rice cooker or a pressure cooker.

21. You fight over who pays the dinner bill.

22. You live with your parents and you are 40 years old. (And they prefer it that way).

23. You don't use measuring cups when cooking.

24. You never learnt how to stand in a queue.

25. You can only travel if there are 5 persons at least to see you off or receive you whether you are traveling by bus, train or plane.

26. If she is NOT your daughter, you always take interest in knowing whose daughter has run with whose son and feel proud to spread it at the velocity of more than the speed of light.

27. You only make long distance calls after 11p.m.

28. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight .

29. You call an older person you never met before Uncle or Aunty.

30. When your parents meet strangers and talk for a few minutes, you discover you're talking to a distant cousin.

31. Your parents don't realize phone connections to foreign
countries have improved in the last two decades, and still scream at the top of their lungs when making foreign calls.

32. You have bed sheets on your sofas so as to keep them
from getting dirty.

33. Its embarrassing if you're wedding has less than 600 people.

34. All your Tupperware is stained with food color.

35. You have drinking glasses made of steel.

36. You have mastered the art of bargaining in shopping.

37. You have really enjoyed reading this mail - forward it
to as many Indians as possible.

I STILL LOVE TO BE AN INDIAN

Love, Lust and Marriage

Love: When you take a bubble bath together

Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together

Marriage: When you give the kids a bath

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Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two

Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"

Marriage: 4 McDonald's Happy Meals . . . To go

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Love: Sex every night

Lust: Sex 5 times a night

Marriage: What's sex?

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Love: French perfume

Lust: Brut aftershave

Marriage: "The baby needs changing. . ."

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Love: Long drives through the countryside

Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout

Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseat

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A wonderful story

A woman came out of her house and saw 3 old men with long white beards sitting in her front yard. She did not recognize them. She said "I don't think I know you, but you must be hungry. Please come in and have something to eat."

"Is the man of the house home?", they asked.

"No", she replied. "He's out."

"Then we cannot come in", they replied.

In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened.

"Go tell them I am home and invite them in!"

The woman went out and invited the men in"

"We do not go into a House together," they replied.

"Why is that?" she asked.

One of the old men explained: "His name is Wealth," he said pointing to one of his friends, and said pointing to another one, "He is Success, and I am Love." Then he added, "Now go in and discuss with your husband which one of us you want in your home."

The woman went in and told her husband what was said. Her husband was overjoyed. "How nice!!", he said. "Since that is the case, let us invite Wealth. Let him come and fill our home with wealth!"

His wife disagreed. "My dear, why don't we invite Success?"

Their daughter was listening from the other corner of the house. She jumped in with her own suggestion: "Would it not be better to invite Love? Our home will then be filled with love!"

"Let us heed our daughter's advice," said the husband to his wife.

"Go out and invite Love to be our guest."

The woman went out and asked the 3 old men, "Which one of you is Love? Please come in and be our guest."

Love got up and started walking toward the house. The other 2 also got up and followed him. Surprised, the lady asked Wealth and Success: "I only invited Love, Why are you coming in?"

The old men replied together: "If you had invited Wealth or Success, the other two of us would've stayed out, but since you invited Love, wherever He goes, we go with him. Wherever there is Love, there is also Wealth and Success!!!!!!"

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DICTIONARY FOR MEN/WOMEN

What MEN / WOMEN Says and What their actual Meanings.

WOMEN'S WORDS

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = you're in trouble

7. Fine, go ahead = you better not

8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you idiot!

10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

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MEN'S WORDS

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

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God's IVR

Over the past several years, we have all learned to live with IVRS - "Inter-active Voice Response System" as a necessary part of modern life. I was just wondering what would happen if God decides to go hi-tech and installs voicemail? I gave it a lot of thought and came up with various scenarios:

Let us imagine a scenario. You dialed God's number.

"Hi! Thank you for calling God. Please select one of the following:

If you are Christian, dial 1
All Hindus, dial 2
All Muslims, dial 3
All others, dial 0."

So, lets say you are a Hindu and you dialed 2. Here is what you hear:

Press 1 for Requests
Press 2 for Thank you messages for God
Press 3 for Complaints about unfulfilled promises
Press 4 for All other inquiries.
If your prayers are still not answered, dial '0' and ask for Naradmuni."

Or, if all Gods were busy, you might hear this:

"We are sorry, all Gods are busy helping other Bhaktas and Sinners. However, your prayer is important to us and your prayer will be answered in the order it was received. Please stay on line. One of the Gods will be with you soon."

Or, it could even go this way when you start praying:

"If you know your God's extension, dial it now...."

Or, you might hear this:

"If you would like to speak to Ganeshji, Press 1.
For Lord Hanuman, Press 2.
For Lord Krishna, Press 3.
To confess your sins, press 4.
To ask for favors, Press 5."

Or, you might even hear this:

"You have reached Lord Krishna's extension.. I am going to be away to conduct a special yuddha to save the humanity and will be away until the year 2012. If this is something urgent and cannot wait until then, call Shankara at GB +44 779000020000 Call. If you want to speak to someone else, for other gods' directory, Press 6 now."

Or you might even hear something like this if you call toward the end of your life cycle:

"If you think you have reservations at our Heavenly Resort, please provide your name, social security number and be ready to provide the proof of your eligibility. If you do not have the proof of eligibility, please dial 420-HELL and ask for General Manager Ravana, who will be happy to help you."

Or, depending on the purpose of your call, you might hear this:

"If you are calling to find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven, Press 5, enter his or her 'mantra' number, then press the 0 key. If you get a negative response, try area code 420-HELL."

For all you know in this day and age of quotas and all, you might even get a response like this:

"Our computer records show that you have already prayed once today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow..."

Or you might even here this if you call on the wrong day:

"This Main Office of Heaven is closed for DIWALI holidays. If this is an emergency, you may try our Himalayan Retreat in the mean time by dialing 6000-31,000."

So, let us hope and pray that God never learns about computers And IVR systems - because if he does, we are in BIG trouble!

HRD Notice of a company to employees!

Dear STAFF,

Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.

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1) TRANSPORTATION:

It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.

A) If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

B) If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.

C) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

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2) ANNUAL LEAVE :

Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year ( Wow! Said 1 employee).

- They are called SATURDAYs AND SUNDAYs.

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3) LUNCH BREAK:

A) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

B) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

C) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

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4) SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness.

- If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

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5) SURGERY :

As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.

- You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.

- To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

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6) INTERNET USAGE :

All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges

Will be deducted from your salary.

- Important Note: Charges applicable as Rs.20 per minute as we have 10MB connection.

Just for information, 73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their Internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed somewhere else.

Best Regards,
HRD

After 50 years

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling a sleep, but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.

She said, "You use to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said. "Then you use to bite my neck.

"Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going ?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

Software engineer and his wife

Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.

Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.

Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.

Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.

Wife - hae bhagwan !forget it where's your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.

Wife - at least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.

Wife - I made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch.

Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.

Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.

Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.

Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.

Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.

Wife - I will go to my dad's house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.

Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.

Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.

Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer

26 reasons

26 REASONS WHY MEN HAVE 2 DOGS AND NOT TWO WIVES

1. The later you come home the more excited your dogs are to see you.

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2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

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3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don`t hate it.

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4. Dogs don`t notice if you call them by another dog`s name.

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5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

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6. A dog`s parents never visit.

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7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.

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8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

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9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.

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10. Dogs seldom outlive you.

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11. Dogs can`t talk.

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12. You never have to wait for a dog; they`re ready to go 24 hours a day.

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13. Dogs find you amusing when you`re drunk.

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14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

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15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.

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16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

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17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

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18. A dog will let you put a studded collar and a leash on it without calling you a pervert.

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19. A dog won`t hold out on you to get a new car.

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20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don`t get mad. They just think it`s interesting.

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21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.

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22. Dogs don`t let magazine articles guide their lives.

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23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.

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24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

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25. Dogs are not allowed in Maceys, Bloomingdales or Neiman-Marcus.

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And, last but not least:

26. If a dog leaves, it won`t take half of your stuff.

Seasonal Excitement

A statue of a Macho athlete was displayed in a Museum.

Husband and Wife came walking there appreciating and arguing everything they saw so far. Husband would not let wife win the battles of wits.

So wife relaxed watching this nude statue with just a couple of leaves to cover its privates, hoping husband goes to other displays.

The husband says, "Marvelous, but really darling there is not much to appreciate here. What is it that you are waiting for?"

Wife says, "Dear, the season when the Leaves Fall."

6 BEST SMART-ARSED ANSWERS OF THE YEAR

6 BEST SMART-ARSED ANSWERS OF THE YEAR (in reverse order)

SMART ARSED ANSWER 6

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.


SMART ARSED ANSWER 5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'


SMART ARSED ANSWER 4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a supermarket but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'


SMART ARSED ANSWER 3

The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said.

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


SMART ARSED ANSWER 2

A truck driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read 'Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab and said to the driver, 'Got stuck, he?'

The truck driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!'


SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR

A teacher at a TAFE college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-arse at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

Dictionary for Women

Argument (AR*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (ER*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n.
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so that men can understand them.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
An appliance designed to eat socks.

Eternity (e*ter*in*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*ER*siz) v.
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*ER) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again.

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n.
Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Park (park) v./n.
Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children.

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (Val*en*tinez dae) n.
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Bicycles are better than women......!

1. Bicycles don't pregnant.

2. You can ride your bicycle any time of the month.

3. Bicycles don't have parents.

4. Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.

5. You can share your bicycles with your friends.

6. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you've ridden.

7. When riding, you and your bicycle can arrive at the same time.

8. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you have now.

9. Bicycles don't care if you look at other bicycles.

10. Bicycles don't care if you buy bicycle magazines.

11. You'll never hear, "Surprise, you're goning to own a new bicycle" unless you go out and buy one yourself.

12. If your bicycle goes flat, you can fix it.

13. If your bicycle is too loose, you can tighten it.

14. If your bicycle gets misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.

15. You can have a black bicycle and bring it home to your parents.

16. You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your bicycle.

17. If you say bad things to your bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.

18. You can ride your bicycle as long as you want and it wont get sore.

19. You can stop riding your bicycle as soon as you want and it wont get frustrated.

20. Your parents wont remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it.

21. Bicycles don't get headaches.

22. Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.

23. Your bicyle never wants a night out with other bicycles.

24. Bicycles don't care if you're late.

25. You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.

26. If your bicycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.

27. You can ride your bicycle the first time you meet it without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.

28. The only protection you need to wear when riding your bicycle is a decent helment.

29. When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your bicycle

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HANDBOOK 2009

Health:

1. Drink plenty of water.

2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.

3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.

5. Make time to practice meditation, yoga, and prayer.

6. Play more games.

7. Read more books than you did in 2008.

8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.

9. Sleep for 7 hours.

10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk every day. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:

11. Don't compare your life to others'.

You have no idea what their journey is all about.

12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control.

Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

13. Don't over do. Keep your limits.

14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.

16. Dream more while you are awake.

17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

18. Forget issues of the past.

Don't remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past.

That will ruin your present happiness.

19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.

20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn.

Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and

fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

23. Smile and laugh more.

24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Society:

25. Call your family often.

26. Each day give something good to others.

27. Forgive everyone for everything.

28. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.

29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

30. What other people think of you is none of your business.

31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick.

Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:

32. Do the right thing!

33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

34. GOD heals everything.

35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

37. The best is yet to come.

38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.

39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

Last but not the least:

40. Please Forward this to everyone you care about

Drunk and a nun

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.

As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.

Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.

This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.

By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much, so then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said.........."Not so strong tonight, are you Batman?"

Facts under lined

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

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To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.

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The road to success??.. Is always under construction.

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Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.

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In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.

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All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.

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Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.

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Everyone has a scheme of getting rich.. Which never works.

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If at first you don't succeed.. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

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You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.

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Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.

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42.7% of all statisticsare made on the spot.

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If you have paper, you don't have a pen??. If you have a pen, you don't have paper?? If you have both, no one calls.

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If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.

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You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.

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After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other.

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The last person to be fired or quit is responsible for all the errors until another person is fired or quits.

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Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker

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New Recruitment

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe.

5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is Kantibhai Shah.

Bill Gates: Thank you for coming. Those who do not know JAVA may leave.

2000 people leave the room.

Kantibhai says to himself, 'I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try'

Bill Gates: Candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people may leave.

2000 people leave the room.

Kantibhai says to himself ' I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?' So he stays.

Bill Gates: Candidates who do not have management diplomas may leave.

500 people leave the room.

Kantibhai says to himself, 'I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?' So he stays in the room.

Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo - Croat to leave.

498 people leave the room.

Kantibhai says to himself, ' I do not speak one word of Serbo - Croat but what do I have to lose?' So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate. Everyone else has gone.

Bill Gates joined them and said 'Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo - Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.'

Calmly, Kantibhai turns to the other candidate and says 'Kem Chho'

The other candidate answers 'Ek Dam Majama'

He vs she in Office :)

How the company views its employees. (HE VS SHE)

1. The family picture is on HIS desk.
Ah, a solid, responsible family man.

The family picture is on HER desk.
Umm, her family will come before her career.

2. HIS desk is cluttered.
He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man.

HER desk is cluttered.
She's obviously a disorganised scatterbrain

3. HE is talking with his co-workers.
He must be discussing the latest deal

SHE is talking with her co-workers.
She must be gossiping.

4. HE's not at his desk.
He must be at a meeting.

SHE's not at her desk.
She must be in the ladies' room.

5. HE's not in the office.
He's meeting with customers.

SHE's not in the office.
She must be out shopping.

6. HE's having lunch with the boss.
He's on his way up.

SHE's having lunch with the boss.
They must be having an affair.

7. The boss criticised HIM.
He'll prove his performance.

The boss criticized HER.
She'll be very upset.

8. HE got an unfair deal.
Did he get angry?

SHE got an unfair deal.
Did she cry?

9. HE's getting married.
He'll get more settled.

SHE's getting married.
She'll get pregnant and leave.

10. HE's having a baby.
He'll need a raise.

SHE's having a baby.
She'll cost the company money in maternity benefits.

11. HE's going on a business trip.
It's good for his career.

SHE's going on a business trip.
What does her husband say?

12. HE's leaving for a better job.
He knows how to recognise a good opportunity.

SHE's leaving for a better job.
Women are not dependable.