Telephonic assistance is on its way!

Most of us have now learned to live with automated telephony as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if the god decided to install it? Imagine praying and hearing the following:

Thank you for calling Jehovah/Allah/and all the rest.

For English press 1

For Spanish press 2

For Arabic press 3

For all other languages press 4

Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for request

Press 2 for thanksgiving

Press 3 for complaints

Press 4 for Virgins website (mobile phones only)

Press 5 for all others

I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:

Jehovah (Jewish) press 1

Jehovah (RC) press 2

Jehovah (Anglican) press 3

Jehovah (OPD) press 4

Allah (Sunni) press 5

Allah (Shia) press 6

E-meter press 7

Other deities press 8

To find a loved one who has been assigned to Heaven/Paradise/Nirvana/Sheol press 9, then enter his social security number followed by the $ sign. If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666.

For reservations to Heaven/Nirvana/Paradise/Sheol, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers 3:16.

For answers to nagging questions about gods, dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive for the specifics.

Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.

The office is now closed to observe a religious holiday.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor/imam/shaman/conman/witch doctor.

Thank you and have a nirvanaly day.

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