Qualities you learn from Marriage

John and Laila were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.

During the celebration banquet, John was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us John, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

John responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness..."

"...And a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

There is no God

A teacher was teaching his students in a geography class and he told them that there is no God. Trying to prove his point, the teacher took the students out and asked them to look up the sky.

Teacher: Look at the sky very well
Students: we are looking sir

Teacher: OK,what do you see??
Students: cloud!!!

Teacher: did you see God?
Students: No.............

Teacher: which means there is no God.

(After that,they went back to the class).
Teacher: Any question?
Class monitor: I have question sir

Teacher: yes go on
Class monitor: sir can you please remove your cap?
Teacher: of course,yes

Class monitor: look at his head very well and tell me what you see
Students: we can see his hair,skin and so on

Class monitor: did you see his brain??
Students: No

Class monitor: which means our teacher has no brain ( Teacher fainted)

What a coincidence

John, a chicken farmer, went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence!" John said, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence!" says John. As they clinked glasses John asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence!" says John. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks." John replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence again!"

A real good time

Mike and Alice were invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. Unfortunately, Alice had a horrible headache and told Mike to go to the party alone.

Being the devoted husband, Mike protested, but Alice argued that there was no need for his good time to be spoiled just because she wasn't going.

Alice was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and urged Mike to go to the party and enjoy himself.

After taking some aspirin and sleeping for an hour or so, Alice awakened without any pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party.

Since Mike had no idea what Alice's costume was, Alice thought she would have some fun by watching Mike to see how he acted when she wasn't with him.

Alice joined the party and quickly spotted the masked Mike cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every chick he could, copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

Alice casually sidled up to Mike and being a seductive woman herself, Mike left his partner high and dry and turned his attentions to Alice.

Naturally, since Mike was her husband, Alice allowed him to go as far as he wanted.

Eventually, Mike leaned closer to Alice and whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. The two of them went out to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, Alice slipped away and went home. She put the costume away and got into bed wondering what kind of explanation Mike would have for his behavior.

Alice was still awake when Mike came in so she asked him what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never enjoy myself when you're not with me." Mike replied.

"Did you dance very much?" Alice asked.

"I never even danced one dance." Mike said. "When I got there, I met up with a few of the guys, so we went into the den and played cards all evening."

"But I'll tell you... the guy that borrowed my costume sure had a real good time!"

Dark in here

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work.

Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes it is."

Boy: I have a baseball.

Man: That's nice.

Boy: Want to buy it?

Man: No, thanks.

Boy: My dad's outside.

Man: OK, how much?

Boy: $250.

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: Dark in here.

Man: Yes, it is.

Boy: I have a baseball glove.

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy: $750.

Man: Fine.

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says, "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to a church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

Waiting for a Train

Mike and his wife, Alice, check into a hotel. Mike wants to go to the bar for a drink, but Alice is very tired from the trip and decides to go up to their room to rest.

Just as Alice lies down on the bed, an elevated train passes by very close to the window, shaking the room so hard that she's thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, Alice lies down once more. Again, a train goes by and shakes the room so violently that she's thrown to the floor.

Exasperated, Alice calls the front desk and asks for the manager, who says he'll be right up.

The manager is skeptical, but Alice insists the story is true. "Look.." Alice says, "Lie here on the bed, you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So, the manager lies down next to Alice.

Just then Mike enters the room. "What are you doing here??!!" Mike shouts.

"Would you believe if I say I'm waiting for a train?" the manager calmly replies.

And he was thrown right to the floor by Mike.

Keep you Mobile Loaded...!!

There was a girl called Tina whom Tejas really loved but he never had the guts to tell her how much he loves her.

One night, at around 11:00pm, Tejas summoned some courage and sent Tina a sms message saying, "I love you so much, I want to date you. Please reply and tell me how you feel about me."

A few seconds later Tejas received a message alert on his phone. Tejas was so excited but at the same time was also scared and too tensed to open it that night, so he decided not to check the reply until the next morning when he will be less tensed.

When Tejas woke up the next day, he said his prayers, did his morning chores, brushed his teeth, ate his breakfast, took his bath and combed his hair, then jumped back to his bed and gently picked up his phone to read the message.

Tejas started reading:
"Dear customer, you have insufficient balance to complete your request. Kindly reload your account and try again. Thank you."

Mystery of Beard

Mukesh is married to Geeeta but he is having an extra-marital affair with another girl called Meeta.

One afternoon when Mukesh was with Meeta, she asked that he shave his beard.

"I do like your beard, Mukesh, but I would really love to see your handsome face." Meeta said.

"My wife loves this beard, honey." Mukesh replied. "I couldn't possibly shave it. She would kill me."

"Oh, please..." Meeta purred.

"Really, I can't." Mukesh replied. "My wife loves this beard!"

Meeta asked once more, and Mukesh sighed and finally gave up.

That night, Mukesh crawled into bed while Geeeta was sleeping.

Geeeta stirred, felt his face, and said, "Oh, Mahesh, you shouldn't be here! My husband will be home any time soon!"

Dont do it AGAIN...

Wife was making fried eggs for her husband, for breakfast. Suddenly Husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful... Careful!!! Put in some more butter! Oh my God! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful... Careful!!! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"

Wife stared at Husband and asked, "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

Husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."

Who is Father???!!!

A baby was born to a couple, John and Rosy.

When he was 1, he could talk like an adult. When he was 2, he could read anything. When he was 3, he could do advanced calculus. When he was 4, he could predict the future.

One day, he made three predictions: "1 year from today, I will die. 2 years from today, my mother will die. 3 years from today, my father will die."

Sure enough, a year later the young boy died.

John, getting the picture in a big way, loaded up his wife, Rosy, with a million dollars in life insurance. A year later Rosy died.

John collected the million dollar insurance benefit, and, figuring he only had a year before his own death, he went on a 364-day binge... Fast cars, faster women, exotic vacations, and flings with supermodels.

John's timing was perfect, for on the 364th day, he blew the last penny on a Blue Sapphire martini and an exotic dancer with a taste for overpriced champagne and sexy lingerie.

At midnight, John toasted himself, "What a way to go..." and slipped off into what he assumed would be his big sleep.

To his amazement, John woke up the next morning. He had cheated death! He was invincible!

Then the exotic dancer with whom John had spent the night broke the news. "Honey, better come quick, the gardener's dead!!!"

Car in the lake

As soon as Sophia arrived home, she said to John, "Honey, the car won't start, but I do know what the problem is."

"What do you mean? What's wrong with it?" John asked.

"There's water in the carburetor." Sophia replied.

"Sweetheart.." John said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but you wouldn't know a carburetor from an accelerator."

"No, really honey, there's water in the carburetor." insisted Sophia.

"Ok, dear, I'll go take a look at it. Where is it?" John asked.

"In the lake!" Sophia replied.

Wall of Clocks

A woman dies. In heaven she sees a large Wall full of Clocks.

She asks angel: What are these for?

Angel answers: These are Lie Clocks, every person has a lie clock! Whenever you lie on earth, clock moves.

The woman points towards a clock and asks: Whose clock is this? ...

Angel says: Its Mother Teresa's. It never moved, showing that she never told lie.

The woman asks: Where are the clocks of our Married men?

The angel replies: Those are in our office, We use them as 'OFFICE FANS'

She then asked, what of the Married women?

The angel replied, 'those are out there generating electricity!'

10 again

Jack was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, Sophia, turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since Sophia's birthday was not far off, Jack asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

"I'd like to be 10 again!" Sophia replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of Sophia's birthday, Jack arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to a theme park. What a day!

Jack put Sophia on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was!

5 hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Sophia's head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

Jack then took Sophia to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and Sophia's favourite sweets, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally Sophia wobbled home with Jack and collapsed into bed exhausted.

Jack leaned over Sophia with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being 10 again?"

Sophia's eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed, "I meant my dress size, you idiot!!"

Family, Food or Philosophy

A rather awkward and shy John asked his best friend, Jonny, how he was always so successful with the ladies.

"It's easy.." explained Jonny. "The trick is to get the conversation rolling. I always start with one of three topics: family, food or philosophy. Any girl in the world is bound to have something to say about one of those subjects. Once you get her talking, it's easy from there."

The next night, John had a date with Rosy, but in the first 5 minutes a complete silence had fallen over the table.

Finally, remembering Jonny's advice, he cleared his throat and began, "So, do you have a brother?"

"No." Rosy replied.

Noting that hadn't gone very well and Rosy hadn't offered any kind of follow-up information, John thought perhaps he would have better luck with food. "So, do you like Italian food?" John asked.

"No." replied Rosy.

Now desperate, John thought and thought, trying to come up with some kind of philosophical question.

Finally, John said, "So, tell me, If you had a brother, would he have liked Italian food?"

Positive Approach in Life

Once upon a time, there was a Kingdom. The king there only had one leg and one eye, but he was very intelligent and kind. Everyone in his kingdom lived a happy and a healthy life because of their king. One day the king was walking through the palace hallway and saw the portraits of his ancestors. He thought that one day his children will walk in the same hallway and remember all the ancestors through these portraits.

But, the king did not have his portrait painted. Due to his physical disabilities, he wasn’t sure how his painting would turn out. So he invited many famous painters from his and other kingdoms to the court. The king then announced that he wants a beautiful portrait made of himself to be placed in the palace. Any painter who can carry out this should come forward. He will be rewarded based on how the painting turns up.

All of the painters began to think that the king only has one leg and one eye. How can his picture be made very beautiful? It is not possible and if the picture does not turn out to look beautiful then the king will get angry and punish them. So one by one, all started to make excuses and politely declined to make a painting of the king.

But suddenly one painter raised his hand and said that I will make a very beautiful portrait of you which you will surely like. The king became happy hearing that and other painters got curious. The king gave him the permission and the painter started drawing the portrait. He then filled the drawing with paints. Finally, after taking a long time, he said that the portrait was ready!

All of the courtiers, other painters were curious and nervous thinking, How can the painter make the king’s portrait beautiful because the king is physically disabled? What if the king didn’t like the painting and gets angry? But when the painter presented the portrait, everyone in the court, including the king, left stunned.

The painter made a portrait in which the king was sitting on the horse, on the one-leg side, holding his bow and aiming the arrow with his one eye closed. The king was very pleased to see that the painter has made a beautiful portrait by cleverly hiding the king’s disabilities. The King gave him a great reward.

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